Once again, my job crushes my soul

 I had quite the diatribe prepared in my head for tonight. First I was gonna talk about this really cringy crush I had in high school where I was just too dumb to see the signs this girl wasn't into me. And then I was going to compare it to a crush I have in my current life and how I find myself once again not seeing the signs. At least until recently (and even then we can't be sure I'm completely passed the crush). And then I was going to finish things off with some remorseful paragraph about how much it sucks to realize someone isn't into you when you were at one point so sure they were.

I'm telling you, it would've been one of my best posts yet.

But then I got stuck at work late. Not even that late, like 30 minutes. But it was enough to throw off my writing mojo by like a mile. (It probably doesn't help that someone at work had baseball on the TV most the night).

I guess I didn't really have to write anything, but then that defeats the purpose of this exercise/experiment/whatever the fuck I'm doing. 

Anyways, guess it's (past) time to go lay down, stare at the ceiling, and wonder if I should be admonishing myself for continually making the same kind of mistake for over 30 years or congratulate myself for being so consistent. I'll probably do both. 

Song of the Day 

Oh the nature we will know

 I saw this black bear while walking Hamlet today. And while normally I'd say seeing a black bear in Alaska isn't at all uncommon or maybe not even one in Anchorage, I would say seeing one in the heart of Anchorage, where I was walking is quite uncommon. I've lived in this house nearly twelve years and this is my first time seeing one over here. 

And to think, had my treadmill not decided to quit working this morning, I may have not been in the right place at the right time to catch a glimpse of this little guy. Of course the treadmill thing might become a more annoying issue in the coming weeks/months, but I did some research and ordered some stuff and I'm hoping I can get it back to working on my own before any drastic measures must be taken.  

Sometimes I really do find it absolutely amazing that I can step outside my door and within five minutes of walking, I'll be on a paved trail where I might see moose, foxes, otters, muskrats, and the occasional bald eagle. And now even possibly black bears. Pretty awesome to be surrounded by so much nature while still being less than a five minute drive away from a major shopping center or the nation's highest grossing independently owned pizzeria (depending on which direction I want to drive). Though it would be even more awesome if I could find one of them wild and super rare briefcases full of cash.

Song of the Day 

 

Undercooked Onions

I made chili tonight. It did not turn out as well as it normally does. I guess that's what I get for not having made it in so long. At least it wasn't inedible and I've got lunch for most the week.

The problem with chili (as well as a few other dishes) is that it's great when I'm in the mood for it. But it doesn't take more than a couple days of eating it before the mood has left and then it becomes a chore to eat. And I've yet to find a way of making it than produces only a couple days worth. 

The most obvious solution is freezing what I don't want, but then I run into the problem of not having lunches for the week. Which has the obvious solution of making a couple different dishes on Sunday night and I can freeze some and alternate the others to not get bored with the food so fast. But I just don't like cooking that much. I'm kind of jealous of those that do. Though to be fair, those that do enjoy it tend to be cooking for more than one. 

I know, I'm complaining about a first world problem. It's just been a frustrating day. A lot of stupid little shit to inconvenience my day (like Firefox crashing right when I tried to submit a message board post for the last bit of homework I needed to do). I thought today would be a lot more relaxing than it turned out to be and now I'm trying to get things ready for work over the next 11 days (I'm working next weekend, so it's going to be 11 days until my next day off) and for all I've gotten done, I feel like there's still a bunch more to do. 

At least the Bills won.

Song of the Day 

If only I could take up hibernation

Sometime ago, I decided I'm going to leave my alarm set on weekends, even though I absolutely hate the sound of the thing and in my dream perfect life, I never have to wake up to an alarm clock. I think I was thinking that maybe by doing that, I might someday turn into one of those normal adults that gets up at the same time every day, work day or not, and does productive things. There has yet to be a non-work day I haven't just turned the alarm off and gone back to sleep. Usually that sleep lasts about a whole our or so. Maybe two hours if I was up particularly late the night before. 

Today I went back to sleep for four hours. Which is how I know I've been a lot more tired lately than normal. Suffice to say, oversleeping like that, I did not make it out to another prerelease event for Magic. Which is kind of a bummer as I did want to try and give it another go, but oh well. I took care of what needed to be taken care of, which was homework and grocery shopping. 

Anyways, I've been feeling off lately. Or in a funk as some might say. And unlike a lot of other times I've felt in a funk, I know why this time. Or at least I know most the why, there's always more than one reason for these kinds of things and I think often no matter how much we do know, there's always a little more that we don't know. 

I normally love fall. It's a great time for introspection and wearing your favorite hoodie more than any other clothing item you own. The excitement of the holiday season can be sensed, but its additional stress still seems far away. Warm drinks hit just right and don't get cold too soon. And it's when nature shows most the most color, something I really, really love about the season.

But I don't love this fall. I don't think I loved last fall either, but I think I was more prepared for not loving fall last year. My breakup still felt fresh at that point and I knew it was time I'd need alone. (I also had hope that my next relationship wouldn't be too far away, which is a story for another time (maybe)).

Truth be told, I've been missing my ex lately. Not in a "I wish we never broke up/I hope we get back together" kind of way, just more of a miss having someone in my life to be excited about things with, like the changing of seasons. When fall came here, we'd decorate the house together and make lots of plans for the winter. Of course most the plans were wishful thinking and would never come to fruition (which was one of the things that bothered me in the relationship), but it was fun to make them nonetheless. 

When I saw the first couple yellow leaves, I told myself I was gonna be excited for the season no matter how hard it was - I'd fake it til I made it. Now most the leaves are yellow and quite a few have fallen and I just don't have faking it in me. Instead now I just want to be a recluse that can sleep away fall and winter and the dirty part of early spring too. 

Song of the Day 

Reality Fracture Prerelease after action report

TL;DR - I went 1-1-0 and quit early so I could get food before Eye Tooth closed. 

As mentioned yesterday, I made the mistake of scheduling a Dr appointment this morning. (The good news on that front is that the issue shouldn't require surgery or anything like that). I tried to nap later in the afternoon so I wouldn't be so tired at the prerelease, but I think I dozed off for all of ten minutes and that did more harm than good. Really, what I should've done is gone out and got some food, but I'm sure if I'd done that I'd just wish I had slept instead. C'est la vie. 

At the prerelease I was in a mixed mood. I was hungry and tired, but after opening some packs earlier in the day, I was a bit more excited for this set than I'd previously been feeling. Then I opened my prerelease kit. There was very little synergy for the supported archetypes. I ended up building a green/white deck with a splash of red. I was sure it would do horrible.

To my surprise, it did quite well in round one. Much better than I was thinking it would do. But then I got obliterated in round two. To a red/black deck that splashed some white. Red and black, the colors I already called out that would dominate sealed for this set. So losing round two as I did, and being as hungry as I was, I called the quits there. 

(Honestly, it's kind of hard for me to feel excited to continue you on after a round loss since none of the game stores around here offer prize support beyond first and second place, maybe third place. But there's no getting to those places when you lose in the first few rounds). 

So after getting food, I came home and checked the full list of cards that comprise this set and my suspicions were confirmed - the designers for this set gave black and red plenty of removal tools, but green and white are nearly completely missing the protection spells they normally get. But I'll rant about that later.

In game one of round two, I made a couple misplays that I think cost me the game, or at least a good chance at winning the game. Game two I didn't have a chance because my opponent had all the removal he could need and I just couldn't get shit going. 

Oh well, wasn't my best night playing Magic. Could've been worse. 

I also saw that the new season of the Great British Bake Off has started. I haven't decided how I feel about the judge taking Prue's place, but I'm still happy to have new GBBO to watch over the next couple months. Who knows, maybe this season will be the one to inspire me enough to actually do some backing of my own.

Song of the Day 

Someday I'll be better at planning ahead

On most weeknights, I get off work at 11 pm. I usually don't get to bed until around 130 am though. Two days a week, I have to be at class at 1130 am. The other three days, I have to be at work by 230 pm, though I'm usually there a little earlier. So on most nights, I'm usually able to get 6-7 hours of sleep. I could probably get more a lot of times, but it takes me FOREVER to get ready in the morning. Mostly due to my first hour of being up I'm not really awake and I'm moving like a zombie, and that's without being hungover (it was way worse in my drinking days). I also enjoy not feeling rushed in the morning, even if that means feeling a little more tired (and that tiredness usually goes away after that zombie hour).

On my days off, I like to sleep in a little more. I know the medical community recommends keeping the same schedule, but they also recommend lots of other things I like to ignore.

Anyways, the point to saying all that is because I took tomorrow off. Mostly so I could go play in the pre-release for the new Magic set. But I also made a mistake - I scheduled a Dr appointment at 10 am. Meaning I have to get up much earlier than I would like, especially for it being a day off. 

When the Dr office called, they said they had a 1 pm and 10 am available. And for some reason, my brain thought 1 pm would be too late for me to have enough time to get ready for the Magic pre-release. That starts at 6 pm. 

I'm also questioning if I needed to schedule it at all. The appointment is for some pain in my shoulder looks to be from a benign issue that should fix itself over time. But because I'm a little bit of a hypochondriac, I wanted to be sure and see a specialist. Also, I want to be sure I can return to BJJ with this issue. That doesn't mean I will, I just want to know that I can.

It's also too late now to reschedule unless I want to incur a no-show fee. And I just don't have that kind of money to throw around right now. 

So instead of sleeping in tomorrow, I will be waking up early. Hopefully being extra tired brings me luck for the pre-release (which I've never heard of being the case, but there's got to be a first at some point).

Song of the Day 

Snapcaster back to reality

I know that's not a great pic of the northern lights, but it was taken in the heart of Anchorage (where the northern lights are often hard to see due to light pollution) in September. So I like it and I'm keeping it.

Anyways...

There's a new Magic set coming out this weekend, Reality Fracture. A lot of people are super hyped for it. It's back in the Magic universe and it'll be a full size set. I'd say there's good reason to by hyped. Yet I am not. I was for a good while, but as previews for the set have been coming out, that hype has left me.

For starters, the story is OK at best, but I've already talked about that. The thing more taking the wind out of my sails for this set is that the set design itself seems uninspired to me. They're using a lot of call backs to old cards that were popular, almost to the point it feels like too much for me. 

They're also going to be doing this thing where they're pairing cards together (called "echoed pairs") in such a way that every pack you open will have an echoed pair in it. Considering most those echoed pairs, by a large number, are at uncommon rarity, I feel like people are going to be pulling a whole lot of the same echoed pairs over and over. It's honestly lazy and Wizards of the Coast's part and a pathetic marketing gimmick that a lot of people seem to think sounds great. (Probably because Magic fanboys are absolutely insufferable idiots, but that's a post for another time). 

Also, after watching some gameplay video, the set feels like it has some major power creep in it, particularly at lower rarity levels. I know power creep is inevitable, especially from a design team that is obviously running out of ideas and a company (Hasbro) that can't figure out how to turn a profit from any other product they make, so they keep pushing Magic in a way that would make Lee Iacocca proud. I will note, I often overestimate the power level of a lot of sets and it turns out not as bad as I thought it would be. But I'm going to be very surprised if we don't see a few of these cards become instant power houses in the pauper format.

It also looks like the limited environment is going to be removal heavy for red and black (again) with not much protection afforded or the other colors. We just went through a set (The Hobbit) where players figured out the limited environment in a matter of days and made draft an almost pointless endeavor for the set. Again, I may be wrong, this is definitely a time will tell kind of thing. But the little bit of gameplay I've already watched has me worried this will be another set I skip going to any draft nights for.

All that said, I'm still planning to go to at least one pre-release event this weekend, possibly even two depending on how much homework I can get done before the weekend. There's a certain excitement at pre-release events that's hard to beat, even when I'm not excited for the new set.

Song of the Day
 

Beards for all! Man, woman, and child too!

A coworker asked me tonight if I could make any one change across the military, what would it be. My answer, at first, as allowing beards for all men. But I realized that really isn't far enough. The dress and appearance standards used by the modern US military are antiquated and quite honestly, just embarrassing on the world stage. 

I would make a complete overhaul of the current dress and appearance styles. No more regulating hair length for men or women. Or hair color. Same for nail polish. And while I wouldn't go so far as to allow unlimited piercings, but I'd certainly allow more than what there currently is, for both sexes.

I think pretty much, I'd keep the current regulations for how the uniform must be worn, but beyond that, it would become much more relaxed.

Why? Because anyone willing to serve a nation that claims to be the world's beacon of freedom should be given a bit more of that freedom. So much as your hair, piercings, etc aren't causing a safety issue at work and you're not getting offensive words/symbols tattooed on your face, than who cares what you're choosing to do with your body? 

I know it's not so simple as just saying this is the way it should be and then it happens (despite what some "leaders" seem to think), but I know it can be worked out. I know this because NEARLY EVERY OTHER MILITARY IN THE WORLD IS ALREADY MAKING IT HAPPEN! It's absolutely mind boggling to me that our military leaders refuse to get on board with something most the military wants or is apathetic about and those against it have had their arguments disproven or just dismissed for being nonsensical. 

I used to believe there was a decent chance I'd see beards allowed in the military, but that was before Trump 2.0; instead we've gone backwards. But even when I'm out of the military, I will fight for our service members to be able to have more personal expression in their appearance. I think for most of them, they'd actually be better soldiers/sailors/airmen/marines if they could present themselves in a way that they felt better represents them. I know I would.  

Song of the Day 

Should've called in sick

Today was a training day at work. Which for me and my office, meant we didn't have much of anything to do. Normally, when I know there's a training day coming up, I call in sick. But because I'm feeling especially masochistic lately, I decided to go in to work. 

It was so slow we watched a movie. Not Another Teen Movie to be exact. And I gotta say, that movie holds up, at least for a xennial like me. 

Anyways, Monday through Thursday, there's an evening meeting I'm usually expected to go to. And any time I call in sick and say someone else has to cover for me, I get a bunch of shit about it from my active duty counterparts. Which, to a degree, I get - someone not expecting to stay late suddenly has to stay a little late. But also, to be fair, they're all SNCOs and can easily take the time off somewhere else. Still, I hate hearing the whining, even when it's in jest (because most jest has some truth to it), so even though I really didn't want to be at work today, I went in.

And because of the training day, the evening meeting was cancelled. 

Funny enough, I had a feeling that would happen. I should've trusted my instinct, but I feel like when I often do that, things turn out the opposite for me. 

I'm just so tired of work these days and even though I just had two weeks off not that long ago, a spontaneous day off really could've helped my mood. I could've gotten a god amount of school reading done in the comfort of my home and then played some video games. Or, I could've just spent the whole time playing video games! 

Regardless, the point is that earlier today I had an opportunity to give myself some dedicated me-time. And I blew it. On the plus side, I already put in for Friday off, but that's for social me-time and while I look forward to it, before too long I'm gonna need to find me a work day to play hooky and enjoy doing whatever the hell I want. (And let's be honest, there's a certain element of playing hooky that makes that alone time better than other planned alone time). 

 Song of the Day

Less bah humbug, more just blah

 (Update/correction for my 5k yesterday: official times came out today and I ran it in 30:55, so a little quicker than I thought. I would still like to get it below 30 minutes, and now I'm already closer to doing so!)

Last year, I didn't do any real decorating at home for any holidays. And I'm on the fence about decorating for Halloween this year (and will probably feel the same about Christmas). I used to love decorating for the holiday season. Not only did it give the house a different look and feel for a few months, it helped to stave off the dreariness of Alaskan winter. But decorating when you live alone and don't plan to have anyone over is kind of like putting on a fancy outfit to go to dinner alone. At a chain restaurant. 

I'm also not sure I'm going to decorate the office at work, which was something I even did last year (and have done every year I've worked in my current shop). This isn't so much about not feeling the spirit, but that a lot of my coworkers just suck now. They're completely disrespectful of other people's property and unappreciative of other people's work. Like I'm not expecting a bunch of kudos for putting up decorations, but it'd be nice if when people knocked things over they picked them up and put them back how they were. Or if they break something, they let you know and offer to replace it or in some way try to make it right. None of that happened last year. 

I'll still put up some lights; pretty much have to with how dark it gets at my house. But other than that, barring some huge change in life, I think it's going to be another season where the only reason I know it's the holiday season is because my heating bill gets ridiculously high and my electric bill isn't far behind. (Though I do hope to do better when it comes to sending out cards this year). 

Song of the Day 

I need new knees. Maybe new lungs too.

 

For the first time in (roughly) a year and a half, I ran an official 5k. (Official meaning it was an event with sponsors and time keepers and all that good stuff). My time was 31:05, which was a little slower than I thought I'd do, but at least gives me a solid personal goal to beat next time. I thought for sure I'd come in under 30 minutes just due to training at home at a nine minute mile on a treadmill with a slight incline. But I think a few factors played into my slower than expected performance. 

First off, outside running is a lot different. I was not prepared for the chill, nor did I bring headphones for music and that threw me off (as I always have music going at home). I also woke up a little earlier than I needed to so I could have some breakfast and not run on an empty stomach. But when I run at home, I always do it first thing, before breakfast. Like maybe I'll have an apple, but that's it. Today I had cereal and coffee and I think that threw my system for a loop. And the biggest factor, I think, was a hill about 2/3rds the way into the run. I wasn't prepared for any sort of real incline and once I slowed down for going uphill, it was almost impossible for me to get my pace back up when going downhill. But oh well, now I know.

Anyways, what I'm more proud of myself for today is even going at all. When my alarm went off today, my brain started making a lot of reasons not to go. "You already paid your fee, they got their money," my brain said in a voice that sounded suspiciously like mine, "just stay home and jog on the treadmill. Avoid the crowds and be comfortable." It turns out, sometimes I have a little social anxiety, especially when going to events where I'm not sure I'll know anyone at all. And this time, that anxiety was really kicking in. In a way it hasn't done in a long time. It got to a point I told myself that I had to go just in spite of the anxiety. Somehow that worked. 

So yay me, I did the thing I told myself I was going to do a long time ago. Took me longer than I intended to get there, but that just seems to be a theme for my life.  

Now I have to figure out do I really want to chance doing any of the winter runs that happen in this city (where it's not unheard of for temps to be in the single digits on race day) or just wait til next spring for another outdoor "official" run. Guess we'll find out...

Song of the Day 

Matter of fact, I do think I could do better

My biggest complaint/criticism of Magic: The Gathering (not to be confused with my criticisms of the makers of the game, Wizards of the Coast/Hasbro) is its story. It is easily one of the worst fantasy storylines ever written and the fact it continues to be so is literary tragedy. Even more tragic to me though is the number of fans of the game that are fans of the story. Like generally, I try not to yuck in anyone's yum these days, but when someone says they're a fan of the story, I automatically assume less of them. I don't mean less like they're less of a human being, but definitely that they're critical thinking skills aren't on par with more developed adults. 

This was brought to the forefront of my mind tonight while listening to a Magic podcast where the story was brought up. And one of the presenters talked about how much he enjoyed the developments in the story coming with the next set. Fortunately this was a presenter I already didn't have much respect for, so I didn't have to feel any sort of letdown. But it made me think about the fact that there are lots of people out there that follow the story and seem to think it's good. And that just makes me sad.

I do try to give some leeway to the various writers for the story (of which there are many) as when the game came out, it didn't really have a story. There were some characters on the cards and little flavor text references to something resembling a story, but nothing really official. It wouldn't be until a few years later that the game's makers decided it needed a more fleshed out story with reoccurring characters. A decisions I would have agreed with had I still been actively playing at the time; the world that was created was teeming with story possibilities. And, for all I know, when the story first came out it was alright (I haven't gone back to see how things were in the beginning). I will say what I have read in the past few years, some of the writers do well with what they're given and other writers make me envious of all those people I know that can read, but choose not to. 

But no matter how well a story is written, if it's a bad story it's still going to be a bad story. 

It probably shouldn't bother me as much as it does. The game itself is still fun (most the time) and there's engaging with the story does nothing to help one's gameplay abilities. I think I'm more annoyed by the fact there are people that treat the story as though it's on par with actual good fantasy. I'm not saying it's a crime to enjoy it - even I'd say it has some good moments - just that it's cringe to see/hear people treat it as actual literature. 

Oh well, I guess it could be worse. I need to lay down and question myself on the decision commit to plans on a weekend day when I know tomorrow I'm just going to want to stay in bed.

Song of the Day 

I collect tools and they collect dust

 Was talking with a guy at work today about weekend plans and he said he's going to spend the weekend taking a chunk of his downstairs ceiling out to make sure there isn't a leak effecting his upstairs sub-floor and if he has the time he's going to start working on some huge product in his garage. That's going to take up his whole weekend and he's perfectly happy with it. And I'm kinda envious.

I don't think I can get more than two hours into a home improvement project before I'm bored with it and ready to do just about anything else. And that sucks because my house needs a lot of work. Not just before I (hopefully) sell it one day, but a lot of work just to make living in it more comfortable. 

I know there's a lot I can't do on my own, like install a wood stove insert into the fireplace. And a lot of people I know with better handyman skills than me recommend leaving carpet installation to professionals. But I feel like there's still a lot I could figure out if I put my mind to it. Like putting in vinyl or laminate flooring. Or putting in a new bedroom door (including swapping the frame). But the thought of that being how I spend my whole day is absolutely dreadful. 

I like to imagine one day I'll have enough money to just pay someone to do it all for me. But at the rate I'm going, I'll be lucky if I have the money to pay professionals to do the work I can in no way do on my own, so I definitely don't want to count on being able to pay to have someone do the work I could possibly do.

I also like to think I'm getting ahead of myself by thinking about home improvement projects right now. But some of those are closer to being home repair projects and are probably going to need to be dealt with sooner than I'd like. 

Song of the Day 

Prioroties

 No real time to write tonight as I decided to knock out some homework. Even crazier is I wrote out way more for the homework than I intended; hopefully it makes sense to the professor. 

Also, despite a huge desire to sleep in this morning, I got up and jogged a practice 5k on my treadmill. And my shin splints seem to be gone, so thank God for that; I really didn't want to go do an actual 5k while my shins felt like they were on fire. 

Song of the Day 

Anywhere but a Carnival cruise

 There are two realistic scenarios in which I see myself ever drinking again. 

1) I give up on the idea of having a better life for myself, assuming that which I truly want out of life will never happen anyways, and just say "fuck it" and start the slow (but quicker than one often thinks) process of drinking myself to death. I'm sure I'd have moments during that time in which I think maybe this isn't such a good idea and I take a break and try to pull myself back together, but I'm also pretty sure that once I've given up, I'm committing to it. 

2) I'm on vacation or out of state for work and I decide to just let loose. I'll tell myself I can have fun while I'm away from home and once I get back home I'll get sober again. After all, I've already proven I can stop without much issue. It won't work of course and eventually I'll find myself struggling to do much of anything besides drink. 

I think scenario 1 is more likely than 2, but I can definitely see 2 happening if I'm not careful.  

This isn't to imply I'm thinking of starting drinking again. I still remember all too well the many mornings hungover feeling like I might just be clinically dead and the later in the day bathroom emergencies. And I don't care won't deal with either of those.

But I do still think about drinking quite a bit and I'm still a bit on guard for what might take me back to it.

Song of the Day 

Zone defense

 A long, long time ago, I had a crush on a girl and she put me in the "friendzone." (Sadly not the first time this happened) I stayed in that zone and bitched to anyone foolish enough to ask me "what's up?" I lamented life and cursed love because of my unrequited feelings. All the while, I kept hanging out with this girl every chance I got, believing one day I would do or say the right thing that would get her to realize she actually did feel the same way about me and then we'd both live happily ever after. 

Unfortunately, when her and I weren't hanging out, I was imagining us hanging out. And in those imagined scenarios, that's when I was able to say and do the right thing to change how she saw me. Those constant daydreams would consume way too much of my time. And since I was in control of how the daydreams went, she was always the perfect woman for me. Even when I tried to imagine her as true to who she was as I knew her, my subconscious was filling in the spots I didn't know about with qualities that would make her seem perfect. 

The more time I spent in these daydreams, the more I came to conflate the her I was making up with who she really was. So that when the real life version of her did or said something that didn't match up with my imagined version of her, I'd be mad and/or sad. I'm not just talking about things between her and I either, but really inconsequential things. For instance, one evening we were hanging out and she said she had to be home sooner than normal for the start of a new season of a show she liked. When she told me the show, I was absolutely incredulous. The version of her I knew in my head would never watch something so stupid, yet here was the real her saying she enjoyed the show. 

I took her home and asked if I could watch with her, thinking maybe it would be something we'd share a new bond over. I hated it, but I pretended not to. Somewhere in the back of my mind was a new daydream forming where she would fall in love with me simply for the time we spent together watching this show. 

Obviously, things between her and I never went beyond being friends. And it would be all too many years before I'd be able to look back upon those times and see how foolish I was. Even now I cringe at a lot of what I said and did. Somehow, we're still friends and talk on occasion. We've even talked about some of my dumb antics back then, which I've apologized over more times than I can count at this point. Each time she laughs it off and says it's fine, but that rarely helps me to feel better about any of it. 

But I guess if there's any upside to it, it's that I finally (at least to some degree) realized that when I have a crush on someone, it's best to avoid daydreaming myself with them. 

Song of the Day 

Three day weekends should be the standard

 

I know this is a first world problem, but it's also something I think should be applied to the general working public the whole world over. I'm tired of getting to Sunday night and feeling like I either haven't gotten the rest I need, didn't get things done I needed to get done, and/or didn't get any time for my hobbies. 

And I know there's bootlickers out there that'll say you can knock multiple things out in one day, but it's crazy to me that the common person is expected to run errands, do housework, catch up on TV, and indulge in whatever hobbies they may have all in the span of 48 hours. We should be given a day for rest, a day for taking care of what we need to take care of, and a day for doing whatever the hell we want. How people with kids manage to get anything done for themselves is beyond me. I'm assuming most of them don't and that's why so many of them seem so miserable most the time.

My ideal weekend - 

Day 1: Rest. I want to do nothing by sleep in and then sit on the couch and eat junk food. Maybe I'll go out to eat somewhere since I'm definitely not in the mood to cook. But running errands that involve me dealing with crowds is out of the question.

Day 2: Get thins done. Errands, meal prepping, housework - it all happens here. 

Day 3: Me time. Which for me would be either hiking or gaming. Not video games as those are more of a rest activity for me, but social gaming. Most likely Magic, but I like board games too. And maybe if I had an extra day out of the week in which I didn't have to work, I could get back into Dungeons & Dragons. 

Of course, the order of these days isn't set in stone, but I imagine this is how I would prefer to do it. Yesterday, I slept in and ran errands. Today I slept in and did some work around the house (I'm beginning to hate folding laundry as much as the rest the world it seems) and am now meal prepping for the work week. So I got to do the resting thing and the personal productivity thing. But there was no me time. In order to get me time in, I would likely have had to sacrifice meal prepping. Or I would have to sacrifice rest in order to stay up too late meal prepping. Regardless, I'm going to go back to work feeling like I didn't get a complete weekend. 

Again, I know this is truly a first world problem. I know there are people in this world (even in American these days sadly) working every day of the week and not by choice. And again, I feel it's bullshit for anyone to be working so much. I think we have the knowhow and technology that we could make the four day work week the standard the world over and humanity would move on just fine. But I'm no oligarch, so the only thing I can really do about it is whine like most people. 

Song of the Day 

Meh, Bleh, and Eh?

I don't really have it in me tonight. I spent much of the day driving around Anchorage pretty much aimlessly. I had homework to do, but I just didn't want to be home. And I didn't feel like hiking cause even though it was sunny in Anchorage, all the mountain tops were covered in clouds. 

I knocked out most the weekend errands I needed to do so I can at stay home tomorrow should I want to. Though I get the feeling I'll want to escape the house again.

I went to Fred Meyer and looked at Halloween decorations. And then I got sad. I don't miss my ex that much, but getting ready for Halloween together was always fun. And then I laughed at the absurdity of feeling sentimental about my ex while I was in Fred Meyer - before we broke up I used to make excuses to go to the store just to be away from her for a little bit. 

I would walk around the furniture and home decor sections of the store daydreaming how I'd change the house when we broke up. Which is absurd because there was, and is, no way I'd buy furniture from Fred Meyer. Well, not any furniture I intend to sit or sleep upon; I have bought some bookshelves from there. 

And then I passed by Turnagain Brewing on the way home - one of my favorite places. And I thought of how great it would be to go in and have a beer. But not just one beer, I'd have my limit there and go to the liquor store nearby and get a bunch more beer and get absolutely tanked tonight and worry about my real life tomorrow. But the thought was short lived as I drove by. I'm not saying it doesn't, to some extent, still sound great. But I know I wouldn't get to my real life tomorrow then. Not sure I'd ever get back to it again if I ever make that decision.

So I finally went home, did homework, and now I stare at bare walls while my dog whines for me to go to bed. 

Song of the Day 

None of this would matter if I could just meet and marry a rich woman

 I might die tomorrow. I don't mean that I think I'll die tomorrow, just that I might. In the same way that any of us might because the possibility of death exists for any and all of us and any given moment. Obviously some moments are more likely than others, but there's never a 0% chance of dying for anyone. At least not so far as I know.

And if tomorrow, something should happen that would bring about my death, but that death isn't instantaneous and instead I get a few minutes to think about my life before succumbing to whatever it is that's killing me, I'm gonna spend those moments very likely regretting a few things. And one of those big regrets will likely be whatever available credit remains on my credit cards. 

I know when a person dies that creditors get to go after the estate to collect what they're owed. My estate should have more than enough to cover that. Not a lot more, but banks should get what they're owed. And since I don't have a wife or kids to worry about being taken care of when I pass, there's really no point in worrying about there being enough money for anyone. I also don't have to worry about anyone else taking on whatever debt I leave behind. At worst, my house that is currently set to go to next of kin by default would instead have to be sold to pay remaining debt. 

So I'm pretty sure if I tomorrow I was hit by a car but had a few minutes of laying in the middle of the road dying, I'd be a bit peeved about not using my credit cards to have more a little more fun in life (most notably doing more traveling and buying more Magic cards). 

On the other hand, I may not die tomorrow. I might even go on to live for a few more decades. And credit card debt is quite the burden to keep around. I should know, I'm still paying on some from long ago, as well as paying on a little more from some other somewhat recent ("recent" meaning within the last couple years) bad financial decisions. I often like to think I'm not as bad with credit cards as I once was, but I'm still far from good.

And who knows, maybe someday I do find a woman that I click with well enough for us to get married. I'm OK with taking a little debt into marriage, but I certainly wouldn't want it to be at the amount I have now.  So I have to think, if I'm laying there not dying, do I really want to add to my debt for some temporary fun when that might end up creating a road block in a relationship in the future.

But even if marriage never happens, do I want to grow old counting pennies (or I guess nickels at this point) because I'm still paying off debt from years/decades ago? Do I want to get to a point where I'm constantly cycling between which credit card to use for emergencies because there's no money in my bank account and as an old person I undoubtedly have to go to the hospital a lot (even if it's only to hold up the pharmacy line)?

The above arguments literally happen in my head damn near daily. When I was drinking, the bad money decisions won out more often than not. I guess fortunately since getting sober I don't reach for the credit cards nearly as often. But even sober, there's the thought that I could die tomorrow and I should be allowing myself more fun now because of that. 

Song of the Day

What to write about...

 First off, my primary (sole?) reason for writing in/on this thing is that I'm trying to see if I can make a real habit of writing (nearly) daily. I know I could use a journal for that (and sometimes I do also write in a journal), but for some reason this feels like a way of making myself more accountable for the writing. Even though no one reads this anyways. 

Often, I find myself throughout the day thinking of what to write about later. Like I'll go get coffee and something at the coffee shop will catch my eye and I think to myself "I bet I could go a blog post about that." And this often happens multiple times a day. And then on the drive home from work, when I'm not yelling at other drivers, I like to compose in my head what I think I'll write about as soon as I get the chance. 

And then I get home, open the laptop, and my mind goes blank. Or, as is often the case these days, the exhaustion form work sets in and all I want to do is lay down. I've gotten to the point in life I don't even care to play video games after work; I just want to zone out and relax. But I tell myself I need to write, because that's how I'm going to build a habit out of doing so. And I just stare and stare at the screen until something comes to me that I can at least form a few semi-comprehensible sentences about. And that's rarely whatever it is I originally thought I'd be writing about. 

So anyways, here are some of the many things I've thought about writing about and hope to one day...

- Driving home from work at 11 pm at night (it gets interesting sometimes)

- The greatest "alternative" rock album of the 90's (Smashing Pumpkins - Siamese Dream)

- The greatest "alternative" rock song - (Live - Lightning Crashes)

- Some of my cringiest memories (the ones I can look back upon and laugh about, not the ones that still keep me awake some nights)

- Some thoughts about the current presidential administration ([redacted])

- Some thoughts on American capitalism (it's not for everyone)

- Some thoughts on American Christianity (I don't think Jesus approves) 

- Lots of thoughts on gaming (especially, but not limited to, Magic)

- Plans for world domination/destruction (I'm way behind on both)

- A girl named Angel (or perhaps it was Angelica, but I'm pretty certain it wasn't Angela)

So yeah, plenty to write about. It's just getting the time in which I have to write about these things to meet with the time in which I want to write about these things that's the issue.  

Song of the Day 

Seventy-Two pages

That's how many pages I have to read for my historiography class this week. The first week, it was like 15 pages. Then like 20 pages for the second week. I thought things would keep scaling in similar fashion. But no, it's 72 pages this week. 

I know that's not a lot for some people. Heck, if it were 72 pages of Dungeon Crawler Carl, I'd probably be done already. But it's 72 pages of very specific history written by an historian that writes in the typical way of historians. It's not even that I don't like the subject - the treatment of slave women in urban settings of the Caribbean in the late 1700s - it's just how it's written. 

I know I could feed it into AI and get a summary back and do the assigned work from that; I don't doubt that's what some of my classmates are doing. But just not how I want to do things. For starters, I actually learning history, even some of the more horrible things that have happened. And I know only by taking in as much of it as I can do I have any chance of remembering any of it. But also I know people that started using AI to help them out with school stuff and now it's like they're completely dependent on it; I don't want to get to that point.

I'm just venting. I read the intro tonight and started with the first chapter and it's such a struggle to keep my focus for it. I want to be reading other stuff (like Dungeon Crawler Carl), but for awhile it's going to be these history texts and that makes the next 14 weeks look rather dreadful. 

I know, I need to just focus and get through it and then I'll be that much closer to being done. And then I can really wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.

Song of the Day 

Maybe someday eventually

Nothing much to write about. First day back to work in over two weeks. It was simultaneously worse and better than I expected. 

I did call a doctor's office to make an appointment today. Just for an annual physical (which I haven't done in a few years), but I figure I should start there before moving on to anything else. And it felt good, it felt like a step in the right direction. The problem for me though is that I'm inpatient and whenever I make a step in the right direction, it's not long before I find myself frustrated that everything else hasn't already magically fallen into place for me.  

 I've never been good with time management. Like I've always felt like I'm in a rush to get through things and as soon as I realize I can't rush them, I abandon them. But I think that habit of mine has gotten even worse as I've gotten older. And now it feels like if I can't rush something, it's not worth my time because I'm not sure how much time is remaining, so if I'm going to make any goals, they need to be obtainable quickly. 

And I really need to learn to slow down a bit. Not so much "enjoy the process" but at least accept the process.  

 Song of the Day 

Maybe it's the mid-life crisis talking

I've been doing a lot of thinking over the past few days, most specifically about where I am vs where I want to be. I'm not gonna lie, there's a lot of despair in all that. A lot of wondering what is even the point of trying to change at this point in life. Not so much change who I am (though definitely some of my habits), but changing the direction I feel I'm headed in. Or at least attempting to change that. 

I wonder what the point is because I think I've talked it about changing things so much that I've become skeptical of my ability to do so. I also wonder what the point is because if I fail, I'm pretty sure I'll end up in an even more miserable position. And finally, what if I'm completely wrong about the change I think I need to make?

Oh, and I'm not trying to be vague - I mean a career change. I mean going in the direction I feel God has been telling me to go for a long time. I mean finding something that doesn't fill me with dread when my alarm goes off in the morning.

Now I won't be leaving my job any time soon, or at least I certainly don't plan to. I signed a contract last April when I got promoted to give three more years and I told my boss I was going to try and make those three years good enough to hopefully make up for all the shitty years I gave while being constantly hungover and miserable at work. 

But at the same time, I'm going to be working towards other goals. And that's going to begin with me doing something I should have done a long time ago - making an appointment with a mental health professional and seeing about the possibly getting put on ADHD meds. 

I've been diagnosed as ADHD by every mental health professional I've ever talked to for more than a few minutes. They've all said I should probably be medicated. And for a short time I was going in that direction, but then I was misinformed about the military's policy on the use of ADHD meds and not wanting to be jobless (and homeless), I avoided the use of them. Then when I learned that I could in fact be on such meds, I just needed to disclose it with the military, I decided to wait because I felt things were going fine. Then the current administration came in and the current SecDef has made it clear he wants to look into kicking people out for using nearly any mental health meds. But it doesn't look like he's going to get his way. Also, I'm just tired of waiting. 

I'm tired of feeling like I should be doing something else with my life, yet not doing it because I feel physically comfortable where I'm at and emotionally scared of being somewhere else.  

Song of the Day 

Rooms don't rearrange themselves

 One of those nights my brain feels like it's going 1000 mph, but the thoughts aren't going anywhere. I'm pacing the house looking at the things that need to be done, but unable to find where to begin. Also, it's past 10 p.m., so I'm pretty sure doing anything will annoy the neighbors. Not sure why I even care about that, I'm not particularly fond of the neighbors. But I like their cats.

I haven't done anything in over a month for my supposed future home office. Partly because I need help getting the book shelves downstairs. And partly because I don't see myself ever using it when/if it gets finished. It'll be all the way downstairs. I know me, I'm not going to walk down the stairs to do any work that can just as easily be done on my dining table. The reality is, or at least what I think in retrospect the reality is, that I started turning an old bedroom into a home office because it wasn't getting used as a gaming room and some girl I had a crush on suggested making it an office instead. 

At least as a gaming room it was a room that looked like it had a purpose. And who knows, maybe someday I'll have a friend group for inviting over for gaming...

But also, how sad is it that I still let crushes influence my decisions? I was thinking about it the other day and it feels like I should be too old for that shit, yet somehow I still let the thoughts and opinions of women I'm attracted to mean more than they should. It's weird because I know the majority of women I'll have a crush on, based on past experience, I'll only have a crush on for a short time. Yet somehow in that short time I let my interactions with them determine how I feel about my day/week/life. And even though I can recognize that's what I'm doing and that it's stupid, I can't seem to stop myself. 

Somehow my treadmill that's nearly ten years old still works, but once that thing dies, I'll have to find what to do with that room too. Not that I wouldn't want to get a new treadmill, but I think I can make room in the garage for that. I obviously won't need to worry about keeping two cars at a time in there any time soon.  

Song of the Day 

Inconceivable rant

 Woke up to the sun shining (not the rain I saw forecast when I checked before bed) and thought to myself I should do another hike today. Then I got out of bed and my legs were sorer than they'd been in awhile, as if my hike from a couple days ago waited to catch up with me. So I scratched that idea. But I also didn't go play Magic like I'd been thinking about doing last night. Mostly because it was standard format and I took apart my standard deck awhile ago after its poor performance at the last regional championship qualifier (RCQ) I did awhile ago and I haven't built a new one since. I know I need to as it's RCQ season and I wouldn't mind hitting up at least one of them, but I've been focused elsewhere.

So instead I used the day to try and relax a little, which I think overall I did OK at, but probably not as well as I could have. But when I think about it, I'm not sure I'm even capable of true relaxation. Whenever I'm sitting down just trying to unwind/rest, my brain starts thinking about everything else I could be doing. So at the beginning of my attempt to relax today, I decided to go to Costco so I wouldn't have to worry about doing that tomorrow. And then since I was up, I went across town to get other groceries.

I didn't need to go across town, but I felt I was tired of the nearby grocery store, so decided to go to one I hadn't been to in a long time. And it was quite horrible.

Then I went and got coffee at my favorite coffee shop where I always feel weird going in on the weekends. Like I should only go there during the work week, even though that's actually a preposterous way to live.

Then I decided to try out an Indian restaurant near me that I've known about for a bit, but hadn't yet given a chance. It's definitely got that hole-in-the-wall vibe that kinda had me excited, like maybe I'd be finding a place in Anchorage that was actually really good, but a well kept secret. Unfortunately that was not the case, at least not today. It wasn't so bad I won't give them a second chance, but I'm definitely not excited about going back again. 

I don't know, been in kind of a weird mood all day. I know the end of summer is coming (practically here already really, though one wouldn't know from the weather lately) and I'm equally excited yet nervous for winter. I'm hoping to do some winter hiking, but I'm also looking forward to more indoor activities. But I'm really dreading being single for the holidays. I don't know why, just means I get to buy myself more presents. But whereas last year I felt I was still in the getting over things phase, now I'm just in a stuck being single and not sure how to not be single phase. And unlike my 20's and early 30's, there's not much hope for leaving that phase. 

Song of the Day 

Commander Night at Bosco's, 9/4/2026

I was a in foul mood today (been happening to me a lot of days lately) and almost didn't go to play Magic tonight. Mostly because I'm a bit mad at my LGS. In fact I'm mad at all the LGSs around me, but that's a story for another time. Nonetheless, I once again told myself I have way too many cards to not go play at least every once in awhile when I have the opportunity. And once again, I'm glad I just got up and did it.

It would probably bore 99% of the potential readers of this blog if I were to go into detail about the night's games. But I don't want to deprive the imaginary 1% of a good read.

I was playing the Avengers Assemble pre-con, no changes. I've never played it before and my only time even looking at any of the cards in the deck is when I was sleeving it up. But I'd heard good things about it and figured I may as well give it a go.

In my first pod, one guy was playing a spider-man themed deck that was only blue and white colors. Another guy was playing the World Shaper pre-con with one change. And the other guy was playing an enchantment matters deck he made. This first round started off slow and I was sure the World Shaper guy was going to dominate, but funny enough he was struggling to get land. And by the time he did, the enchantment matters deck had pulled pretty far ahead. And enchantment matters guy would go on to win and I'm pretty sure I had no chance of keeping that from happening.

The second pod was just the three reaming players from the first pod while the winner went on to another bracket. In this pod, the spider man player struggled to get much of anything going while the world shaper kid was in prime position to when it all. However, he decided to take it a little easier on me for whatever reason and focus some efforts on the spider man kid, which allowed me to pull a board wipe at the perfect time and remove all his creatures and swing in with my remaining creature and finish him off. It's not often I get to win a round at commander night, so it felt nice. I even decided to stick around for round 3, this being the first time I'd ever done so as I usually leave after round 2 regardless of how I'm doing.

Round 3 was a full pod again, though the world shaper guy and I got placed together again. One of the other guys was playing a deck based around making defenders into attackers and doing damage equal to their toughness. The other guy had a bear themed deck. This match was much more exciting to me and it felt like anyone had the chance to win at any time. And somehow, I ended up winning. I say "somehow" but what I really mean is the other three were trying to disrupt each other and weakening one another's positions and then suddenly we were out of time and since I was the only one with a decent board state left, they allowed me to attack and no one blocked so we could have a definitive winner instead of just a draw. Which was cool of them all and something I've done the same of before and probably will again.

Anyways, was a pretty good night all considered. There's a regional championship tomorrow that I half considered going to, but it's standard format and I don't have a standard deck built at the moment. Nor do I see myself getting one built in the next 12 hours. Maybe next weekend...

Song of the Day 

Baldy, Hamlet's favorite hike

 OK, I don't know if Hamlet really has a favorite hike, but if I had to say he did, it would be Baldy. I say that because the minute he realizes I've turned onto the road to go to the trailhead, he starts whining for me to hurry up and get us there. For any other hike, including those he's done many times, it takes him a lot longer to realize that's where we're headed. Which makes me think to some degree he's figured out this one hike over all the others.

Anyways, while it's not actually a tradition for me to take Hamlet up Baldy on Labor Day weekend, I've decided this year to claim it is. However, I had to take him up a couple days early due to an inconsistent and iffy weather forecast. Here's the pics from the day.

This little pond is formed by an artesian well and while Hamlet seemingly loves all natural bodies of water (but hates getting baths), I feel much like the Baldy hike, this pond is his favorite.

Song of the Day

F is for fuck my life

No matter how I try to write about my day, I come across as an asshole. I come across as a selfish asshole that values my time over the well being of others, most notably family. And I grew in a culture where "family comes first," which as I get older I think is just something Americans like to say because they know they're going to treat some of their family like shit and they want zero accountability for it. Regardless, family ruined my plans for the day and while I wouldn't say it was the kind of day that made me think I should start drinking again, it certainly made me wish I had never quit. 

To summarize my day, while driving home from all the BS, the car in front of me kicked up a small rock that put a nice new chip in my windshield.  Which is always a hazard up here and I'm sure I'll get over it, but it sure as hell pissed me off when it happened (especially as this chip is pretty front and center of the windshield) and it's going to take quite awhile before the chip's presence becomes normal to me.

Song of the Day 

Peak 3 threepeat

The sun was shining and there was still a little snow on the mountains, so rather than use the day for something productive like homework or even housework, I decided to go hiking. I'd like to say it was mainly for Hamlet's benefit since he's been cooped up the past couple days, but it's been like a week since I've gotten into the mountains and I needed it just as much, if not more than, he did.

Anyways, I've written about Peak 3 before and there really isn't much to add. I did try a different route down this time and it turned out to be a lot steeper than I was anticipating. I think in the future I'll maybe use an alternate route up if I want to make the ascent a little more of a work out, but in the interest of keeping my knees working as long as possible, I'm going to stick to the main route coming down. 

Here's a few pics from today...

 

Song of the Day

A rather boring day

Woke up a little late. Not that late, but later than intended.

Saw that there was some snow on the mountains and decided to cancel whatever plans I only half had anyways so I could hike and let Hamlet play in the snow. Then I noticed it was also a bit colder than I thought and a lot windier, so I canceled the new plans and went back to the half plans. 

Decided I was going to stick with my original plan of taking the whole week off from work. 

Took me way too long to get ready to get out of the house, but since I decided I'm not going to go into work at all this week, it's not like I needed to be in a rush anyways. 

Visited my uncle in the hospital. I hate hospitals (mostly cause they stink). 

Went to my favorite coffee shop and got my regular order. Maybe tomorrow I'll switch it up on them, though I'd probably feel bad as they've gotten used to my normal order that many times they have it ready for me before I even get to the register.

Went to the base to buy some groceries. I hate going on base when I'm not going to work, but when buying anything more than just a couple grocery items, the commissary is much cheaper than off base alternatives. Plus I want to see if the BX got any new Magic product in. They hadn't. Or if they had it's all sold out already (very possible).

Went to a local gaming store. Spent more than I told myself I was going to, but less than I honestly expected myself to.

Went to another gaming store. Wasn't planning on buying anything as I tend to hate this store, but they had a deck box I hadn't seen anywhere else and I wanted it. 

Went to my brother's house to check on his cats while he's out of town. The older cat is going blind and kept bumping into things as he tried to follow me around. It was kinda sad, but also kinda funny. 

Remembered reading the Best Buy is having a sale on some Magic items so I swung by there. They were all sold out already of the things I was hoping to grab.

Went to yet another gaming store. Bought a few cards, but left there without remembering to look for the very thing that I'd said out to find at the first gaming store (a very specific card storage box). 

Came home and watched Chapelle's Show. Laughed at a lot of it and cringed at a little bit as well. They weren't simpler times, they were just different in a way that's much more familiar than the present. 

Stared at my computer to wonder what I should write about.

Song of the Day