If only I could take up hibernation

Sometime ago, I decided I'm going to leave my alarm set on weekends, even though I absolutely hate the sound of the thing and in my dream perfect life, I never have to wake up to an alarm clock. I think I was thinking that maybe by doing that, I might someday turn into one of those normal adults that gets up at the same time every day, work day or not, and does productive things. There has yet to be a non-work day I haven't just turned the alarm off and gone back to sleep. Usually that sleep lasts about a whole our or so. Maybe two hours if I was up particularly late the night before. 

Today I went back to sleep for four hours. Which is how I know I've been a lot more tired lately than normal. Suffice to say, oversleeping like that, I did not make it out to another prerelease event for Magic. Which is kind of a bummer as I did want to try and give it another go, but oh well. I took care of what needed to be taken care of, which was homework and grocery shopping. 

Anyways, I've been feeling off lately. Or in a funk as some might say. And unlike a lot of other times I've felt in a funk, I know why this time. Or at least I know most the why, there's always more than one reason for these kinds of things and I think often no matter how much we do know, there's always a little more that we don't know. 

I normally love fall. It's a great time for introspection and wearing your favorite hoodie more than any other clothing item you own. The excitement of the holiday season can be sensed, but its additional stress still seems far away. Warm drinks hit just right and don't get cold too soon. And it's when nature shows most the most color, something I really, really love about the season.

But I don't love this fall. I don't think I loved last fall either, but I think I was more prepared for not loving fall last year. My breakup still felt fresh at that point and I knew it was time I'd need alone. (I also had hope that my next relationship wouldn't be too far away, which is a story for another time (maybe)).

Truth be told, I've been missing my ex lately. Not in a "I wish we never broke up/I hope we get back together" kind of way, just more of a miss having someone in my life to be excited about things with, like the changing of seasons. When fall came here, we'd decorate the house together and make lots of plans for the winter. Of course most the plans were wishful thinking and would never come to fruition (which was one of the things that bothered me in the relationship), but it was fun to make them nonetheless. 

When I saw the first couple yellow leaves, I told myself I was gonna be excited for the season no matter how hard it was - I'd fake it til I made it. Now most the leaves are yellow and quite a few have fallen and I just don't have faking it in me. Instead now I just want to be a recluse that can sleep away fall and winter and the dirty part of early spring too. 

Song of the Day