Mid-Week Mundaneness

While I'd planned for myself a four day weekend, it inadvertently turned into a five day weekend for myself. Making today my first day back since last Thursday. And I can't remember a time I've felt so out of place just wearing the uniform. 

I mean, I normally feel a little less like my real self when I wear the thing. And I'm OK with that. I've decided the tradeoff between wearing the uniform and being able to live the lifestyle I currently do vs. feeling like I'm fully being true to who I am in how I present myself, to be worth it. Normally my biggest problem with wearing the uniform is not being allowed to have a beard. That and the colors really don't help to bring out my eyes. But today it was something else. Like I was trying to live a completely fraudulent life.

Don't get me wrong, I have no plans of quitting any time soon. For starters, I signed a contract to keep serving until at least April 2028 and I plan to honor that contract. Also, I'm in no position financially to quit right now. At best I could stretch my finances out for about three months before I start missing payments on something and I don't think that would be nearly enough time for me to find a comparable job. 

Anyways, the point is that it really threw me off my game at work today just by having that initial feeling of uneasiness when I put the uniform on. By the end of the day of course I felt mostly back to normal, but there's still this lingering "what the fuck was that?" feeling in back my mind. Hopefully it was just a one-off thing, at least for the foreseeable future - too much to be doing these days to have feelings like that distracting me. 

Song of the Day