Possibly probably the #1 lie I tell myself

I normally work swing shift (3 pm - 11 pm) and that works pretty well with my natural sleep cycle. Unfortunately, every now and then I have to work day shift, which is 7 am - 3 pm. And I feel like it damn near kills me every time. 

Most notably because it gives me this habit, that I had even back in the days I worked day shift as my regular shift, of getting home and telling myself I'm just going to lay down for a few minutes while I try to figure out how I want to go about what I want to do with my evening. Sometimes, albeit rarely, that works. I catnap for about 15 minutes and then I'm up and doing things. Most the time though, it backfires and creates a seemingly endless cycle of bad sleep patterns and low productivity.

If I'm lucky, like today, I'll wake up around 6 pm and still have time to get something done (though rarely what I'd originally been hoping to do for the evening).  Sometimes I don't wake up til 8 or 9 pm. Those evenings I try to immediately fall back asleep, but it rarely happens. Usually, regardless of waking at 6 pm or 9 pm, I'm up until nearly 1 am or later, hoping that the few hours of sleep I get on that side of the evening will be enough to carry me through the next work day and leave me with the energy to lie to not myself about resting "just for a few minutes" after work the next day.

At this point, I'm just hoping to make it through this UTA weekend relatively unharmed. Then on Monday I'll be back to my normal work schedule and I can focus on whining about other things besides (lack of) sleep. 

Song of the Day 

Sometimes I hate it when I'm right

Last night, if I had to guesstimate, I got about five minutes of sleep.

The only reason I know I got any sleep at all is because I had a very vivid dream in which we went in World War III and the current government's plan for us to win was to use AI controlled robots that constantly patrolled US city streets making sure everyone they came across was a US citizen. All suspected non-citizens were immediately beaten and arrested. And the government assured is this was the way to win the war as bombs were being dropped on US soil and most people just went along with it. Thankfully, that was just a dream and something like that would never happen with this government, right? (RIGHT!?)

Anyways, got home from work today and immediately passed out for like four hours. Then woke up and thought about the days I sometimes did that as a drinker and I'd be bummed at myself for missing out on so much possible drinking time. Sometimes I'd pound a few as quick as I could to make up for it and sometimes I'd choose just to stay sober for the night so I could prove to myself I wasn't an alcoholic. (Which ironically is one of the signs a person might be an alcoholic).

Sad news I saw online while struggling to sleep last night - Glen Hansard died in a motorcycle crash. He wasn't necessarily a super influential musician for me, but The Frames and some of his solo work hold a special place in my heart that's associated with my time living in England. I also always thought he was the perfect style act for concerts at Bear Tooth. 

Today's song of the day is one of the first The Frames' songs I remember listening to quite a bit while driving around the English countryside by myself and contemplating what was to come of life.

Song of the Day 

I dream of being able to dream more

 I don't know how people are able to lay there head down at night and just fall asleep. Like no matter how tired I am, the moment my head hits the pillow, I'm gonna need about 30 minutes (minimum) of thinking about pointless stuff while trying to get comfortable before I can fall asleep. I'm seriously jealous of people that are able to lay down and just be asleep, often no matter the circumstance. 

Like people that can just sleep on planes. It's seriously mind boggling to me. They always look like they're sleeping in a position that can't be good for their neck, but it doesn't matter to them. They're snoring away, often with their mouth wide open, and I'm usually struggling to even keep my eyes shut - despite often not sleeping the night before I fly! 

I say all this because while I normally work evenings (which is much better for my natural circadian rhythm), then next four days I'll be working day shift. And I know that even though I'm tired, when I lay down in a little bit, it's going to take me a while to fall asleep. Like I'll be lucky if I get more than two hours of sleep tonight. And I don't doubt that somewhere out there is someone in a similar position to me. Except they're asleep already as though switching around their sleep schedule while the world continues to get worse with each passing news cycle is all no big deal. 

Song of the Day 

Summer isn't over, but it's closer to its end than its beginning

 It's that time of year where, if you're from here, you notice the decrease in daylight. The trees are mostly still green, but you know it's only a matter of days before you start seeing yellow leaves. And not long after that, the trees will be mostly yellow and even the sunny days will have a little chill to them. 

I really don't like this time of year. Which is kind of funny as I love fall. I even love pre-fall, that time I mentioned when the leaves are just starting to turn yellow. But for the couple weeks when the only noticeable difference is less sunlight, I just feel dread. There's this realization that no matter how much I may have done over the summer, the season will be over soon enough and I'll feel like I didn't do enough. 

For instance, I've done more hiking this summer than the last few summers combined. But there's still a bunch of hikes I didn't get to doing and now that the end of summer is right around the corner, I know I'm not likely to get to them all. And I know that's not really the worst thing, but it still makes me feel like I went wrong somewhere and let too many days go to waste. 

There's also the realization of another summer single. Which, in the grand scheme of things (whatever that scheme and those things may be) isn't really that horrible a thing. But a little while ago, I met someone and I was pretty damn positive there was more than just a friendly connection there. A connection reinforced by her not being my normal type (though I'm still not sure what my normal type is) and my therapist at the time telling me I needed to branch out from my normal type. Regardless, I was wrong about there being any sort of connection beyond her being friendly and me being foolish. It happens. I'm just a bit bummed to see the end of summer around the corner and I'm no closer to dating again than before summer started.

The other existential dread with this time of year is knowing that Halloween candy is about to show up on store shelves. I'm not going to lie to myself this year that I can resist it and just wait for the sales after Halloween. The challenge will be not buying too much of it. Mostly for the sake of my bank account, but also to try and keep my waistline from getting any bigger, especially once we've lost lots of daylight and I go back to my natural sedentary ways. 

Song of the Day 

Sunday evening? Again? So soon?

 I feel like I just got done with a whole lot of meal prepping and pre work anxiety, yet here I am again. Thought I'd get a lot more done today too, but instead I struggled to get out of bed this morning as my body reminded me I did an 8.5 mile hike yesterday. But these days I consider hiking my most important weekend priority, so if that's all I do for the weekend, that's OK. It was so nice out today I almost considered doing another short hike despite how my legs felt. But I knew I'd regret that tomorrow when I had no lunch and suddenly I was spending $20 a day for the week to eat. 

I did kinda work on the home office today. Barely. I took down some shelves that were in there that my exgf had left behind. Kinda bittersweet when I do things like that. 

Originally, I'd kept the shelves (cubbies really) because there was no reason not to. They worked and I didn't have any sentimental attachment to them. But somehow taking them apart put an awkward attachment to them. Like this weird reminder of how different our respective decorating styles are. Granted, I wouldn't say I have a decorating style other than I either don't like something or it works for what I need and doesn't hurt my eyes so I'll get it.

Anyways, there's a little more room in the room that will be the office now. In fact, there should be enough room for me to put my bookshelves in there now. Of course, that means I'll have to get them downstairs, which will be the tricky part.  I might have to invite a friend over to help, but then if I'm suddenly willing to start inviting people over, what was the point of getting rid of the game room? Life is quite the juxtapositional conundrum.

Song of the Day 

Went to the base of O'Malley again

 

My original plans today had been to hike somewhere else, but due to miscommunication with those I was planning on doing that hike with, those place fell through. So I decided to head to O'Malley instead. I know I did it not that long ago, but the weather was crap then and today seemed like a good day for that. Also, it's probably my favorite hike in the Anchorage Bowl. Also, since I'd brought Hamlet the last time I did this hike, I knew he'd be able to do it again. Lastly, there seems to have been more bear attacks than normal this year (thankfully none fatal) and bears tend to attack people hiking alone more than groups. However, I never hear of bear sightings on the O'Malley trail, so it seemed like a safer option.

Just like last time, I knew I'd only be going to the base of O'Malley. Going to the peak itself, or so I've read, requires some scree scrambling and Hamlet wouldn't be able to make that. So we made it to the base without much issue and after a little snack, I decided we should head to the opposing ridgeline just to see the view from there. Unfortunately we were barely a few hundred feet into heading to that ridgeline when Hamlet began noticeably limping. 

On the way back, we found someone's phone and I was able to find them later on the trail while they were looking for it, so it was a bit fortuitous for them Hamlet started limping when he did and altered our course in such a way that I cam across their phone. They may have had a very long day of backtracking to try and find it otherwise. 

We took it a little slower getting back and Hamlet did fine, all considered. Sadly, I think this means in the future he'll be limited to much shorter hikes. I'm doubtful he'll really notice, he's always happy just to be out in the mountains. But I'm gonna notice him not being there when I do the longer ones. 

 

Song of the Day

Well would you look at the (passing) time

I never did a review of the 45th year of my life. So before it gets too far behind me, here's a quick review:

It was a year.

Honestly, it didn't feel like anything too crazy happened. It had some ups, some downs, and a whole lot of level ground.

The high point: Finally sewing on master sergeant. I know I knew about it even before 45, but it wasn't real until it happened. And while even now it sometimes still doesn't feel real, it's been getting there.

The low point: Odysseus passing. I knew it wasn't far off when I visited him last time, but it would've been nice to get one more visit. 

The awkward point: Realizing someone I thought was romantically interested in me was in fact not at all romantically interested me. On the plus side, it's good to know that after all these years I can still be consistent about some things.

The next point: While I plan to keep taking classes and inching ever closer to getting my degree (hopefully), I think my bigger focus has become paying down/off debt. One of these days I might write about how bad I've been with money over the years, but it's a bit embarrassing so I try not to think about it.

Song of the Day 

I miss jiu jitsu

I'm no stranger to breaks from jiu jitsu. In fact, I'd say I'm more acquainted with breaks than with actual training. But this most recent "break" has been the longest I've gone without a single training session in a long time. And not without reason.

Last December I got caught in a shoulder lock. The problem, for me, was that I didn't think I was that caught. I thought if I could just get the guy to shift his weight a little, I could escape. Unfortunately, I could not get the guy to shift his weight and by the time I was willing to admit that to myself, he'd applied the submission to a point it hurt. 

(For the uninitiated, when it comes to a lot of joint locks, when it gets to the point it hurts, you're already bit late in tapping).

Now at the gym, my shoulder felt a little sore, but nothing super horrible. I kept rolling for the rest of the training session and then went about my day. The next day my shoulder was a bit sorer and so I decided that I would once again take a break from the gym while I let it heal. It was near the holidays and seemed like a good time for a break anyways (even though I'd only been back about a month since my last break). 

I don't think it's ever really healed. For like eight months now my shoulder has been iffy at best. Some days it feels fine and has most its normal mobility and I only remember it's injured when I try to move it in ways it doesn't normally move anyways. But other days, I've got maybe 50% mobility and it's a struggle to move it enough to put a backpack on. 

Eight freaking months... It might be time to actually go see a doctor. But that's expensive (yay American healthcare!) and takes away from what little free time I often feel like I have. However, now that the Air Force is resuming PT testing, I may be out of options. I can do like three push-ups with my shoulder as it is before it's in excruciating pain. 

But I'm really beginning to miss going to the gym. From the workout to the camaraderie. Don't get me wrong, I haven't been completely lazy all this time - been making use of the treadmill as well as a decent bit of hiking. But those are like they're own separate things; I don't think there's another workout out there that compares to the one you get with grappling/combat sports. 

So it might just be time to admit to myself this shoulder isn't going to heal on its own and maybe make a doctor appointment. 

Song of the Day 

The more things change...

Back in April, when I sewed on master sergeant, I had to sign an agreement with the air force to do at least three more years. And I thought, why the hell not - things have been going good. I looked forward to doing at least three more years.

Lately though, ever day at work has felt like its own little prison. Don't get me wrong, it's not as my drinking days when I'd wonder if I wasn't better just driving off the bridge on the way into work so I wouldn't have to be there. I'd say this is more akin to my active duty days in which I was counting down the days until I'd be able to take off the uniform for good (or so I thought).

I don't like this feeling. I don't like being a guy just trying to get through each day until he can get to the weekend, just so he can spend the weekend dreading the next work week. At the same time, between leadership at the very top and a group of coworkers I have nothing to really talk about with, it's hard to not be in a dreadful mindset. 

I don't know, maybe I'm just in a slump. Despite trying to make sure I get out and do things this summer, in a lot of ways it feels like it's passing by too quickly with me having too little to show for it.  

Song of the Day 

Ten minute drives that take twenty-five minutes

 I hate driving in Anchorage. I probably hate driving about anywhere though (which makes it a little ironic my dream life right now is just driving around the country in a van I live in).

The thing that drives me crazy in Anchorage is just how oblivious most drivers are to the other drivers around them. People in this city really be going 10+ mph below the speed limit in the left lane (and it's almost always a damn Subaru Forester!) only to cut across the right lane at the last second to make a right turn into some store parking lot. 

Then there's the ridiculous amount of times I've been stuck behind someone at a traffic light that needs 3+ seconds to realize the light has turned green. 

And I can't forget the jackasses that uses a lane that's going to turn into a turning lane to try and speed up pass all the slow traffic and cut someone off to merge back in with the traffic going straight. 

I'm not even going to get started on Dodge Ram drivers up here. 

Anyways, the thing I was thinking about today (and have thought about many times before) is how I need to learn to just let it go. I mean, I usually do eventually let it go, but it's an unhealthy process to get there. I scream at the other driver from the safety of my car while wishing them horrible pain with the worse language and then once I get to work I tend to have forgotten about it all. But I need to let it go much quicker than that.

As in I should be letting it go so quickly it's like I was never holding on to it at all. Life's too short for me to be letting strangers have so much control over my blood pressure. So much as there isn't an accident (and Hamlet isn't harmed if he's with me), then just move on. Most the time I'm going somewhere I don't really want to be anyways. 

Song of the Day 

Not the laziest Sunday, but close enough

 

Yesterday, I had a lot of plans for today. But when my alarm went off, I thought to myself I should get a little more sleep. And then I got a lot more sleep. And then when I finally decided to get up, I decided screw all my other plans and I'm just going to be lazy.

And it felt good. 

I feel like every weekend this summer I've been doing something and/or going somewhere. I needed a break. Honestly, I could probably use a little more of a break, but this will have to do for now.

I still did my meal prepping for the week, or at least most of it. And I did some laundry. But there was a decent bid of other household work and a couple errands I had planned and none of that got done. I think not running the errands was the most important part. For the first day in a couple months, I didn't open my garage door or deal with dumbass Anchorage drivers - and that was a nice change of pace.

I'm not sure when the next time I'll get a chance to do this. At soonest, some time in August when I'm planning on taking a week off work. But I also know there's a good chance I'll be busy most that week.

Anyways, yay for lazy Sundays.  

Song of the day 

Trying to take stock

 Went to REI today to buy new hiking shoes and possibly a new backpack.

The shoes I assume I need because I bought my current ones last summer and I've been told hiking shoes should be replaced at least annually (more if you're putting a lot of miles on them). The backpack I really want because I'd like to have a backpack I keep on hand in my car in case I get the itch to suddenly go for a hike while out and about - I know from experience if I run home to get my gear first I end up staying home most the time.

So I got to REI and started perusing their shelves. And then I really got to thinking. Do I really need new shoes? The ones I've been using haven't been hurting me at all and still seem in pretty good shape. I also have quite a few pairs of shoes in my closet I haven't looked at in years; maybe something in there will work. 

As for a backpack, I know I have another one somewhere around this house I bought a couple years ago. I didn't like it much, so I threw into the back of a closet and forgot about it. But when it comes pack for sudden afternoon hiking, I don't need one I'm in love with. I need something that holds the essentials for a short-to-medium length hike. So what if I don't like way the bag looks, I won't be looking at it much anyways.

So I left REI without buying anything (which happens way more often that it used to I might add, but that's a conundrum for another time). 

The thing I really got to thinking about as I left is how often I buy shit I don't need simply because I want a new one of those things. Or I'm not sure what I have at home, so I buy one anyways and then get home to find I now have two of something I definitely only need one of (if I really need any at all). It's a habit I've had most my life and it's one I definitely need to rid myself of if I'm hoping to one day buy and fix up a van for roadtripping around the country with. 

Of course, old habits die hard and even as I write all this, part of my brain is back to thinking about what new hiking gear I might "need." Part of my brain is trying to convince me that if I buy more gear, I'll make time to hike more. But it's never worked like that. Not for hiking, not for Magic or jiu jitsu or any hobby I've had. Except maybe drinking - if I bought more beer I definitely drank more beer. But a lot of the times I was buying more beer than I need, I was telling myself by drinking more beer I'd have a better palate  for when I started brewing my own beer. And we see how that worked out...

Anyways, I have too much shit. And I need to stop buying new shit as though any of it holds the key to me finding some internal locus for eternal happiness. And one of these days, I need to get off my ass and start selling off a lot of this old shit. 

Song of the Day 

Who am I even writing these for?

 For those that didn't know, Blogger keeps track of how many people visit your blog. For me those numbers are minuscule. When I had social media and posted links to the blogs on there, it was usually 40-50 unique visits. Once I got rid of social media, it went down to 2-4. As of late, it's been zero. 

And that's OK. Right now, I'm writing to make a habit of writing. Hopefully. 

Who really should these be written for anyways? At one point, when I was talking about quitting drinking a lot, there were a couple people saying those posts helped them. And that's awesome. But I shouldn't be thinking in terms of writing for those people. Or anyone that might read this really. 

This is just a random internet blog for my random thoughts that aren't so personal I feel I need to keep them in a journal. Or maybe never write down at all. 

Anyways, the home office conversion is going very slowly. Don't know why I want to rush it - I'm gonna need help moving the bookshelves downstairs safely and the person most likely to help with that is out of town for at least another week. That said, I've been moving my books downstairs and whenever I move books around, I'm amazed at how many books I own that I've never read.  

Song of the Day 

What to do with a house that doesn't feel like home?

 I've been struggling with what to do with my house since my ex-gf left. In an ideal life, I'd sell the place and get something closer to hiking trails. (Or I'd buy that van I talked about in my last post, but that also may not be a wise idea yet). But that's just not in the cards for me right now and while I normally love to do nothing about a bad situation except wallow in self pity, I decided this time to make do with what I have. So I did some upstairs rearranging (what little could be done) and more importantly, I decided to turn the spare bedroom into a room I'd always wanted - a tabletop gaming room.

 I'm not gonna lie, I was kind of proud of that room. It wasn't my dream gaming room by any means, but it was undoubtedly a gaming room.There was just one real problem with it - I don't do a lot of gaming. 

It's not that I don't want to game more. Given the opportunity, I'd likely be playing some TCG or RPG damn near daily. But I don't really have that opportunity these days. And I certainly don't have the opportunity to do so with friends at my place.

A couple weeks ago a friend needed a place to crash for a few days. So I cleared out the table in the game room so they could put an air mattress in there. Then when they left and I went to put the table back, I realized it's kind of pointless. I had a room I occasionally used for organizing cards, but that was it; it never got used for its intended purpose. So I decided I need to do something else with the room.

After a few days of inner deliberation, I've decided I'm going to make a home office out of it - another room I'd have in my ideal home. Of course it won't be my ideal home office (not much of a view from the window and the wall is a pretty thin wall shared with neighbors), but hopefully it gets more use than the gaming room did.  

Song of the Day 

This video is fueling my daydreams lately

 I don't know what it is, but I've been watching this video near daily (and sometimes multiple times a day) and imagining myself living some nomadic life traveling the country (maybe even the world!) in a van like this. I've even begun looking at ways to do something like this with my Ford Bronco. Supposedly it's possible too, but there's better models for doing something like this and it wouldn't be nearly as comfortable as a van like this likely would. 

Granted, in the video it's just some dude's road trip and I'm sure he goes back to his real life at the end. But for my daydream, this becomes my real life. Of course, I'm daydreaming so I also find a companion to join me and Hamlet is there as well. Regardless, it's crazy how much I've been thinking about it lately.

Maybe it's more midlife crisis or maybe it's more realization that everything I own is just stuff that'll one day be dust and my attachment to it is more hindrance than help in finding actual happiness. 

Song of the day is the already embedded video. 

Another Straw on a Camel's Already Broken Back

 A couple years ago, I decided to "quit" playing Magic. I didn't like the direction the game was headed in and the fact the company that makes it, Wizards of the Coast (WotC0 and its parent company, Hasbro, seemed more concerned with sales than the actual game itself. I get the American capitalism wants to do its thing, but I've always felt there should be a limit to how much of that thing companies try to do. And WotC was breaking that limit. That "quitting" phase lasted about a year before I got pulled back in.

I've said it before, I think Magic is an amazingly designed game and overall I love it. It's a hard game to just leave behind, even when the company making it has shown themselves to be evil corporate suckers of satan's cock. (That last part if a Bill Hicks reference, RIP).

That may have changed today. They were previewing and upcoming set. (A Star Trek set at that!) And in this set in certain packs will be cards autographed by the actors from the show. 

WotC has truly jumped the shark for me on this. They're using an old shitty gimmick from sports cards and adding it to Magic. And it's only in an attempt to boost sales by getting Star Trek fans that have no interest in the game to buy up packs, creating a demand for the packs that creates artificial scarcity that in turn justifies a future price increase of the product. It's honestly fucking sickening.

So it's a bit early to say, but I think I'm done buying Magic. Well, to clarify, I'm hoping to be done buying sealed Magic/product direct from the company. Like I don't think I'll actually quit playing - it's a fun game! - but the idea of buying all the product that I once was makes me feel ill at this point. So instead I'm just going to be one of those nerds that plays commander and buys singles for their commander decks. I would also say I'm hoping for the news of Chris Cocks and/or Mark Rosewater (CEO of Hasbro and lead Magic designer, respectively) being caught up in some huge scandal that ends their careers and sends them to jail for the rest of their lives, but I know in this day and age, they'd just be replaced by people as equally vile as that are (I'd say more vile, but not sure that's possible for either).  

 Song of the Day (not a song today)

 

Re-Certified Possible, but not likely, Killer

 Today (technically yesterday at this point, I had to qualify on the M4. For those that don't know what that means, I went to a shooting range and fired a rifle at a target and so much as I hit the target a little more than 70% of the time, the Air Force says I'm good to be deployed. Somehow, and I really have no idea how, I qualified. I went in there with no sleep and the safety glasses they game me had a giant scratch right in my line of fire, so I took a lot of shots I wasn't sure of. 

 It was a day away from my normal job and that's usually nice. However, guns kind of bore me and if it hadn't been for having a friend in the class to joke around with, I might've fallen asleep mid trigger pull. 

The thing that really annoys me about it though is that we're required to qualify. I get that this is the military and most of us should know how to fire a gun and the basics for doing so effectively. But it seems like a bit of pressure on some people to say they need to hit the targets so many times when the reality is that if people in jobs like mine are being issued gins to fire at the enemy, we screwed up long ago. Chances are, if I'm in a combat zone and I'm looking down the scope on this thing, my life is already considered forfeit and I'm just trying to buy some time for our command staff to evacuate. That being the case, we could save the AF a lot of time and money tailoring these classes to that idea and not worrying about how accurate the shooters are.

Thankfully, the people that run the class seem to know this and I'm pretty sure they often count shots that should be misses as hits. That said, in my lowly but not so humble opinion, we could save a whole lot of time shortening the class to half a day where we cover the most basic of shooting fundamentals and then everyone is given the chance to fire a few shots so they know how it feels to pull the trigger and they're not scared of the weapon should they have to use it.

Song of the Day 

I Hate the Day Before the Work Week Begins (which is usually Sunday)

No matter what I do, or don't do, the days always manages to feel like it's dragging on and going by too fast at the same time. 

Most the time, I like to meal prep for the work week. And even though I've got it down to a routine that should only take up about ninety minutes of my time total (not all at once), I still end up spending three hours-plus on getting foods ready, cooked, and packaged. I've tried multiple methods for doing everything and every method seems to equal about the same amount of time. 

Then there's laundry for the week. Which I usually try to do earlier in the weekend. But it seems there's always one last load to do and it takes extra long to dry compared to normal loads. There's also other cleaning around the house to do. And while I also try to do house cleaning continually throughout the week, there's something about Sundays (or whatever day is preceding the work week) that has me finding seemingly hidden messes that need to be taken care. (Right now, it's piles of dog hair as Hamlet seems to be shedding his summer coat already).

Lastly, there's just the existential dread of doing a nine-to-five that has begun to feel quite pointless. I know in my drinking days it felt pointless, but that was largely due to hangovers and being at work getting in the way of my continued drinking. Then I got sober and it wasn't so bad. But these days, it's back to feeling pointless. And that makes wearing the uniform pretty hard to do. Especially since I hate shaving so much. 

But oh well. I haven't really made much in the way of life decisions that has really helped me out to have options. Tomorrow I have to go in to work early. Really early. Like on day shift. Which means I'm likely to get very little sleep and have one very long day. But on the plus side, with all the rain in the forecast, I might just get home tomorrow and have one of those magical twelve-hour sleeps after work.

Song of the Day 

Finally Hiked Flattop Peak 2. And Peak 3.

 My original hiking plans kinda fell through and when I awoke today, my plan was to just stay in. But then, for whatever reason, I decided I should at least get a little more use out of my annual parking pass and go hike Flattop. Of course, as I left my house, it began raining and I almost pulled my car right back into the garage, but figured I should at least head to the trailhead and see how things are there. I'm glad I did. Not that the weather was much better, but once I got there I figured I may as well at least do some hiking. And instead of going to Flattop itself as I normally do, I decided I should head to Peak 2.

 

For all my time living in Alaska, I've known about Flattop Peaks 2 and 3, but never done them. No one talks about them much and what little I've heard makes it sound like Flattop itself is the only peak really worth the work. I wish I'd just chanced it and headed to the additional peaks long before today. Peak 2 was pretty cool and Peak 3 was absolutely amazing.  

 Of course, at first I told myself just do Peak 2 and save Peak 3 for another time. But Hamlet kept moving forward on the trail and who was I to argue with him. 

Peak 3 looks much further than it really is, but if you're like me and have to stop every ten feet to take another picture, it still takes a little bit to get there. 

There was even some snow on Peak 3 still (in mid-July!), which made Hamlet happy.

Lastly, much to my surprise, there's a little weather station thingy on Peak 3. Why am I surprised? Cause even though it's a rather seemingly remote location, it actually doesn't seem too out of the way for bored assholes looking to wreak havoc. 

People seem surprised Hamlet is doing these hikes at his age (11 1/2), but he lead the way the whole time and didn't even seem close to being done by the end.

Finally, on the way back, we went to Flattop proper so I could get that iconic look at Anchorage the peak is so famous for. I got a different view instead this time. 

Song of the Day

I Got Fired

 That's about as sensationalist of a title as I can make.

What I really mean is that a couple weeks ago, my therapist told me she thinks our sessions are no longer doing me any good and I should find a new therapist. And in all reality, she was right. While she'd certainly helped me out a good bit over the past couple years, over the past few months I'd been leaving my sessions feeling like they were a bit of a waste of my time (and money).  It also started to feel like she wasn't really listening to what I was saying (and maybe from her perspective, I wasn't listening to the advice she was trying to give me).

Regardless, the kick in the pants for me is that she said she'd talk with some colleagues and refer me to someone else that might be more specialized to my current situation. This was over two weeks ago now and I haven't heard shit from any other office in town. I have good insurance, the kind that gets most medical places in town to seem like they can't get me in their door soon enough. So I would've thought by now some office would've reached out, but nope.

I know I don't need to wait for someone to call me - that I can start calling around town. I just preferred the idea of going to an office where they already had notes and I wouldn't have to re-talk about old crap. C'est la vie.

Honestly, I'm not even sure therapy would be worth my time at this point. Not that I think I'm "fixed" or anything like that, but the search for a good therapist is daunting. Like that's time that could be better spent doing other things, most notably sleeping in. And while a good therapist can certainly help someone to sort through some personal shit and come out a better person, there is a plethora of bad therapists out there. Like way more bad ones than good. Of course that may be anecdotal bias showing, but it's amazing how many people I know that have bad similar experiences with bad therapists.

Anyways, I'm rambling cause why the fuck not? I thought today was gonna be a much more different day than it turn out to be. I don't even know why. Foolish hopefulness I guess, which I'm no stranger to. And lots and lots of confusion lately about my future and life and all that. I'm glad I'm sober for it though. Drunk me would've likely broken some furniture and sent some very uncomfortable texts.  

 

Song of the Day 

The Real Magic is in the Friends we Fake Along the Way

Last Friday, I went to Bosco's (a local gaming store, or LGS) to play Magic. I don't get out to do so much because every time I have the time (which isn't as often as I pretend to want), I tend to suddenly not feel like doing so. Even when it's something I'd been planning to do ahead of time. This past Friday was almost another one of those times I backed out of doing so. Who knows, maybe it's social anxiety manifesting itself as a sudden form of blase about the game? 

Regardless, I made myself go anyways. Frankly, I've spent too much money on the damn game to not be playing damn near every chance I get. And by the end of the night, I found myself having a pretty good time. Which is what happens nearly every single time I actually get off my butt and go play.

I think since I started playing/collecting Magic again (a little over three years ago now), there's two times I can remember going (out of like 20+ times at this point) and not enjoying myself. 

One time was when I was still relearning the game and some asshole lied to me about the rules so he could win. I remember at the time having a feeling he was wrong in what he was saying, but I didn't want to be "that guy" and hold up the game with a challenge. I now know it's OK to be that guy and call people out on their BS, whether they're doing it intentionally or not.

The other time I went home feeling like maybe I'd wasted my night when I was just having an off night and I probably would've felt crappy no matter what I did. And that's OK, I think we all have those nights and there's just not much to be done about them.

All that said, it amazes me how often I avoid going and playing still just because I'm unsure if it'll be worth the time. Sure, there's those stereotypical stinky and/or socially awkward people we all associate with gaming (and I probably fall into the latter to some degree, but hopefully not the former at all), but those have never been so bad for me that they took away from the overall enjoyment of the game and most the other people I'm playing with. (Funny enough, the part about stinky and/or socially awkward people also holds true for jiu jitsu, but that's something to write about another time). 

I don't know. I guess as I sit here avoiding organizing cards I have that need to be sorted (so instead I write about the hobby) it dawns on me that in some ways, I'm the one keeping myself from enjoying life. 

Song of the Day

Finally made it up Wolverine.

 Here I am (being my goofy self), on Wolverine Peak. My first time ever doing this hike, but I certainly hope it won't be the last. 

It was the longest hike I'd done in a long time and at moments very grueling. But at no point did I feel like I would need to turn around early. The only downside to this hike was that I couldn't bring Hamlet as I knew it would be too much for him. 

One of my biggest regrets from all the years I spent being drunk was how little I got Hamlet out and that I never got him on hikes like this when he was able to do them. He would've loved this hike. (Granted, he loves all hikes. But I feel like the he enjoys the longer and higher ones the most). And I know wallowing in regret does no good, but it's hard not to think about the time wasted when memories of places like this could've been being made.

Anyways, what a day. What an amazing day.

Song of the Day
 

Did You Know Kraft Foods Pressured Green Jello to Change Their Name to Green Jelly? Talk About Fascism

 When I went to bed last night, I was hoping I wouldn't have to leave the house at all today. Unfortunately, I knew that wouldn't be the case when I awoke. Partly because I didn't have much to eat in the house and partly because I hate my house and any day I don't get out for even a little bit makes me feel like I'm crawling out of my skin. So in a less than stellar mood, I set out for the real world.

My first stop, as usually is, was my favorite local coffee shop. The line was out the door and I almost turned around, but the need for coffee and the knowledge that most the coffee huts between me and my next destination sucked, I decided to stick it out. 

So there I was, ten minutes in line and only having moved forward about eight feet, when suddenly a barista I didn't recognize came up to me with a coffee. She quoted my normal order, handed the coffee to me, and said I was good to go. The other people in line looked at me with (what I imagined was) jealousy as I stood there dumbfounded. I'm sure one of the regular baristas that I did recognize working was the orchestrator of this whole thing, but I have no idea which one it could be. It did put me in a good mood for a little bit though, even while I tried to remain in a bad mood.

Eventually the bad mood returned when the low self esteem part of my brain wondered aloud what if they gave me the coffee drink like that so they wouldn't have to look at me standing in line for the next fifteen minutes. Still, I got a free coffee (kind of free - I'll tip today's coffee money in their jar next time I'm there) and that was nice.

I also bought a new shirt, one that buttons up and has a collar. I think I need to grow up a little bit and adopt a little more of an adult wardrobe. I'll probably never wear the shirt, but at least I have it for any time I may want to feel more like an adult. 

Then I got some Eye Tooth pizza and now I'm home trying to keep myself in my skin. 

That was my July 4th, 2026. The 250th anniversary of this democratic experiment known as the USA.  

Song of the Day