Juxtapositionally, I rarely even miss being drunk

 Sometimes (more than I care to admit as of late) I sit around and wonder what's the point of everything. I get that I'm just a cog in the machine that lives to serve the rich and famous, I came to terms with that long ago. But I also kind of thought that there was still more to it, like even as an easily replaceable cog, there could still be a sense of accomplishment and reason. But the hope for that has been fading.

I don't know, maybe I fucked up by not settling down with whoever would take me and having kids. A lot of people (though definitely not all) I know with kids seem to have a great sense of purpose in life. Like they understand life being about more than themselves on a level I never can.  

So anyways, I think about this absurd pointlessness of it all and I wonder why I'm even trying. If my greatest hope is to be just another person that goes to work and pays their taxes and keeps the system moving just as it always has, than what the hell does it matter if I "make the most of it" or not? What's the difference between dying at a 100 years of age in a hang gliding accident vs. dying at 60 years of age of liver failure? I mean, I know there's a huge physical difference, but in the metaphysical sense, it doesn't seem like any. 

What's the point of staying sober? I'm not saying I have any plans to start drinking any time soon. Just that I often wonder why the hell not. What am I staying sober for? Right now it's really just work. Well, that and jogging. I actually enjoy jogging and I know if I started drinking again I'd be done jogging immediately. (Probably always telling myself, as I once did, I'll get back to jogging in a couple days, just need to have a few tonight). But as to the work thing, I just hated who/how I was at work when I was constantly hungover. Like I was honestly embarrassed by it. Which I usually coped with by drinking more. But for how long can not wanting to be seen as the drunk idiot at work be my sober motivation?

Again, I have no plans of drinking again any time soon. But it's hard to picture myself spending the rest of my life sober as well. (Won't that sentence be quite ironic if I die in some sort of accident any time soon?) 

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