This Will Be My Last Post. About My Old Relationship. Hopefully.

It's been over a month since She left. I've been told that it gets easier as time moves on and I thought this amount of time should have been enough. I was wrong. It's gotten worse. On the nights I don't drink myself to sleep, I go to bed and look at where she you once laid and wonder how I could have been so stupid. I pray to God I wake up and all these past weeks were a bad dream, that I'll wake up and she's still next to me and I can get right to work on making sure she knows she's loved and appreciated. But when morning comes I'm still alone in a bed too big for one person and I know I'm still alone in the personal hell I created.

I know I'm not forcing anyone to read any of this, yet I know some people do. And I feel like an asshole for writing such depressing shit that I'm sure they're tired of reading about (even though they're not being forced to read it). But I feel like an even bigger asshole when I think of my misery and how stupid it must be.

For starters, it's a misery I wished upon myself. I constantly focused on, and complained to my friends about, the things I didn't like in the relationship. She was, and still is, an amazing woman. She's funny, intelligent, and all that other cliche shit men say they want in a woman. And of course, She's beautiful, but I can't imagine there's anyone reading this that doesn't know about that. But on the off chance there is, trust me (and everyone else), She'd be worshiped as a Goddess among some ancient tribes for Her beauty alone. Beyond this normal stuff though, there was so much more to Her. Like Her feminism, which not only frightened me, but inspired me as well. And Her compassion for the less fortunate, which often made me wonder what I was doing with my own life. There were times just She and I were sitting on the couch watching a movie and then we'd look at each other and She'd smile at me - I felt like the luckiest most amazing man on earth then. She, despite Her beauty and charm, made me feel like I belonged. And that's something so rare for me I often find myself in envy of those that seem to always have it. She's everything I ever said I wanted in a woman before I ever met Her (and Blue82, if you ever read this, you're probably the sole person that can validate that). And I pissed it all away.

The other thing that makes me feel this is all stupid is that I know there's people that have gone through worse. People in relationships way longer that Hers and mine was and then the relationship ended rather unexpectedly (or maybe expectedly, but then one of them realized that was a mistake while the other felt that wasn't a mistake). Or, worse yet, people who've had a lover die unexpectedly without any chance of any sort of closure. And who the fuck am I to be so miserable when other people have gone through so much worse? Honestly, I'm just an asshole. I can't and won't compare my misery to theirs. But I'm not going to pretend I can somehow be a stronger person than someone else just because my circumstance is "less worse."

All this being said, I know I've talked about this situation too much. So in the future, I'm going to try and write about other subjects. Not saying they'll be more positive and/or uplifting, but they won't be about this miserable breakup situation. Hopefully.