Short Story Long
(Note: Originally was just going to do this as a Facebook status update, but it kind of got a way from me and is way too long for that).
Short story long, I took Hamlet out to use the bathroom like I do every night after work. This happens pretty late most nights and Hamlet and I our usually the only souls to be heard, let alone seen. But tonight I notice some dude about 300 feet away and slowly walking in my direction. I'm telling Hamlet to hurry up and do his business, but he's being his oppositional self and wondering aimlessly around. Finally, I say screw it and move to take Hamlet in, hoping he can hold in whatever is left til morning.
But as I'm walking back to my garage, this dude starts saying "hey" and I can't make out the rest. I know I should have just ignored the dude and went inside, but part of my brain was like "what if he's in some sort of distress?" So I turn around and go to talk to him.
Thankfully, my neighbor Jesse installed a motion activated flood light so I'm talking to this dude in a well lit area. He's obviously super drunk and I can't make out much of what he's saying. Other than him telling me I speak with a Russian accent and that my Air Force uniform is a sure sign I'm in the Army. After a couple minutes, I've decided I don't have any more time for this and tell the guy I've got stuff to do and I'll see him around. I turn to go inside and then he says something about being locked out of his house and just needing a phone.
At this point, I'm getting paranoid. For starters, there's been an influx of homeless people in my neighborhood and not the nice kind that come in an pick up trash for you or even manage to pick up after themselves. But also, I'm not going to trust some drunk guy that thinks I'm Russian to not drop my phone and break it (pretty sure I could've caught him if he tried to run off with it). So I ask him if he lives around here and he says yes and named a legit house number. He then claims he can unlock his house with my phone. I told him I could call someone for him, but he balked because a can would cost too much. I asked him why he needed a cab and he said he was locked out of his car. I reminded him he was locked out of his house and he said "oh yeah." And then went back and forth insisting he could unlock his house and/or car with my phone.
Finally, I'm just too creeped out by this guy and really wanting to get inside so I don't miss House Hunters, so I let him I was going in and wished him luck with his dilemma. He says back to me "good luck" in what sounded to me like a menacing way (though it may have just been my imagination since he'd already been creeping me out). I shut the garage door and immediately start to worry he might damage my car sitting in the driveway. But I remember that car is already screwed (story for another time) and get kind of hopeful he does enough damage to total it out.
Then I manage to make myself super paranoid imagining this guy smoking some meth and then trying to get "revenge" on me by breaking in and doing who knows what. I know realistically this isn't very realistic, but once my imagination has latched onto a paranoid fantasy, it's making it my reality for the next 24 hours. My best way to handle the situation then: pull my pistol from the safe and load it up. I know this isn't necessarily the wisest thing to do, but seriously, fuck you if break into my house and become a credible threat to me or my loved ones (including pets).
Before I can load the gun though, I have to put away groceries (because priorities). After doing that, I decide to go out on the balcony and see if that guy is still outside. I was delighted to see another sight - three cop cars where the guy had originally been lurking. The creepy dude was nowhere in sight, so I don’t know for certain he was arrested, but I have a hard time seeing him outrun a sloth as drunk as he was. I’m still not at complete ease, due to the increase of homeless people I’ve seen around recently, but I’ll sleep better tonight feeling I can keep the gun in the safe and just have a knife under my pillow.
Short story long, I took Hamlet out to use the bathroom like I do every night after work. This happens pretty late most nights and Hamlet and I our usually the only souls to be heard, let alone seen. But tonight I notice some dude about 300 feet away and slowly walking in my direction. I'm telling Hamlet to hurry up and do his business, but he's being his oppositional self and wondering aimlessly around. Finally, I say screw it and move to take Hamlet in, hoping he can hold in whatever is left til morning.
But as I'm walking back to my garage, this dude starts saying "hey" and I can't make out the rest. I know I should have just ignored the dude and went inside, but part of my brain was like "what if he's in some sort of distress?" So I turn around and go to talk to him.
Thankfully, my neighbor Jesse installed a motion activated flood light so I'm talking to this dude in a well lit area. He's obviously super drunk and I can't make out much of what he's saying. Other than him telling me I speak with a Russian accent and that my Air Force uniform is a sure sign I'm in the Army. After a couple minutes, I've decided I don't have any more time for this and tell the guy I've got stuff to do and I'll see him around. I turn to go inside and then he says something about being locked out of his house and just needing a phone.
At this point, I'm getting paranoid. For starters, there's been an influx of homeless people in my neighborhood and not the nice kind that come in an pick up trash for you or even manage to pick up after themselves. But also, I'm not going to trust some drunk guy that thinks I'm Russian to not drop my phone and break it (pretty sure I could've caught him if he tried to run off with it). So I ask him if he lives around here and he says yes and named a legit house number. He then claims he can unlock his house with my phone. I told him I could call someone for him, but he balked because a can would cost too much. I asked him why he needed a cab and he said he was locked out of his car. I reminded him he was locked out of his house and he said "oh yeah." And then went back and forth insisting he could unlock his house and/or car with my phone.
Finally, I'm just too creeped out by this guy and really wanting to get inside so I don't miss House Hunters, so I let him I was going in and wished him luck with his dilemma. He says back to me "good luck" in what sounded to me like a menacing way (though it may have just been my imagination since he'd already been creeping me out). I shut the garage door and immediately start to worry he might damage my car sitting in the driveway. But I remember that car is already screwed (story for another time) and get kind of hopeful he does enough damage to total it out.
Then I manage to make myself super paranoid imagining this guy smoking some meth and then trying to get "revenge" on me by breaking in and doing who knows what. I know realistically this isn't very realistic, but once my imagination has latched onto a paranoid fantasy, it's making it my reality for the next 24 hours. My best way to handle the situation then: pull my pistol from the safe and load it up. I know this isn't necessarily the wisest thing to do, but seriously, fuck you if break into my house and become a credible threat to me or my loved ones (including pets).
Before I can load the gun though, I have to put away groceries (because priorities). After doing that, I decide to go out on the balcony and see if that guy is still outside. I was delighted to see another sight - three cop cars where the guy had originally been lurking. The creepy dude was nowhere in sight, so I don’t know for certain he was arrested, but I have a hard time seeing him outrun a sloth as drunk as he was. I’m still not at complete ease, due to the increase of homeless people I’ve seen around recently, but I’ll sleep better tonight feeling I can keep the gun in the safe and just have a knife under my pillow.
posted by Paul | 1:57 AM
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