The Picture as I See It

In regards to a recent event, a few people have asked me "What happened?" Honestly, I'm still trying to put a lot of the pieces together. Just a few weeks ago we were talking about marriage and kids and all that good real adult stuff. Then seemingly overnight it was all over and the home we'd be making together has become a sad lonely house. However, over the past week I've had a lot of time to think and what I thought was "seemingly overnight" became something that had been building up for awhile. And as I've been putting the pieces in their places, some parts of the picture have definitely become clear.

For starters, there was a huge lack of communication on my part. Which I know for some people is hard to imagine as I sometimes never shut up. But when it came to things that were important in the relationship, I rarely ever spoke up. I was unhappy with some things in our relationship, but rather than talk to her about it, I remained silent and instead let myself become resentful of her for the things I was unhappy about, but that she didn't even get to know about. That really is a special kind of selfish.

For seconders, I'd become too comfortable in the relationship; I took it for granted this idea that she would always be there. So when I was mad at her or I knew she was mad at me, I figured it was something that we could deal with at a later time (which also ties into the communication thing). I was also really lacking in making time for her.  In my mind she'd always be there and I could make time later, so instead I was making time for video games and just being drunk. (I'm not saying video games helped to destroy the relationship; she knew at any time she could ask me to quit any game and I would. But I'd have then probably gone on to do something else that didn't involve her).
I'm sure there's more to it all than just these two things, but this is what has really become apparent to me while looking back.

I know some people are going to read this and think, "Paul, you two have broken up before and you two always get back together a week or two later." In the past, that's been true and I'd be lying if I said I didn't have some hope that happened again this time. But there's something very different this time. When we last spoke, she seemed happy with this. And I don't mean that in a bitchy or malicious way, but that she reached a place where she realized this is what's best for her. We both weren't really happy with how the relationship was going and while I still want her next to me, I want more than anything for her to be happy.

I also know there will be some people that read this and think, "Dear God let it be for real this time - I never liked those two together." That's fine, you're entitled to your opinion. And opinions, by definition, can't be wrong. Yet you somehow managed to have one that's wrong. I know "on paper" we didn't look like a great couple, but I think overall we did pretty good (and much better than other couples I've known that did look good on paper).

Lastly, I'm sure there's people that know me all too well and are thinking "Paul's just writing this hoping she'll read it and come back to him." Sadly, the opportunity for doing things like that has gone. This is just my way of processing what happened/what's going on; I'm completely lost otherwise. And sure, I don't have to put it out there for the world to see. But the world doesn't need to read it either - this is just what I do.

So anyways, now that this is happening, anyone and everyone can expect a lot more of this mopey shit from me. At least for a little while. But don't expect any poetry this time around; pretty sure all that creative juice is gone.