Did Something Crazy Today

I'm not sure writing these is as cathartic as I thought it would be. I appreciate the people that have emailed/texted/etc. encouragement, but the truth is so far everyday has been a little worse than the one before it. I thought writing these and being honest and vulnerable would help me along (it has in the past), but that's just not the case here. Instead I find myself wondering if I should ask her to take Hamlet because when I see him it makes it all the harder to get over what was.

But before I do anything so crazy as that, I decided to make an appointment with a mental health therapist. I know that's not the "manly" thing to do, but fuck whatever the manly thing to do is. And I don't want to just get past feeling all sad and whatnot, I want to make sure nothing like this ever happens again. I look back and see mistake after mistake - lack of communication, insecurity, fear, focusing on the negative, complacency, etc. - and so much of that existed before this relationship. And I'm tired of all of that being a part of who I am.

I'd be lying if I said I didn't hope things when She and I didn't end up working out in the end, I'm still constantly daydreaming I find some way to go back and change things. But even if that doesn't happen and somehow I find myself in another relationship that should be a happy one, I don't want it ruined because I went back to the patterns of behavior that have tripped me up so often before. Sometimes I wonder how She put up with it for so long...