Ever Get So Angry/Upset You Can't Even Piss Normally?

 

I can’t think of any good way to write this other than to say in so many ways I’ve fucked up. And now I’m stuck in a job that I absolutely loathe. I’m at the point that I honestly wonder if I didn’t have Hamlet* around, would I just blow my fucking brains out and never have to worry about it again. The job is boring, I have zero confidence/trust for my supervision, and due to my own foolishness, I’m absolutely fucking trapped. Sure, I could go back to school and finish my degree, but that would still take me longer than I feel like I have it in me to give – particularly with how much harder it gets for me to maintain focus as I get older. (I won’t even go into wtf am I supposed to do with a history degree because I have no idea any more).

On one hand, I know I can’t completely blame my supervision for my hating work. I mean, I have a history of not getting along with my supervision and the common denominator there is me. So there’s obviously something on my end that I need to work on. On the other hand, I feel like I’ve been lied to so many times now that me putting forth any more effort than I absolutely have to is a waste of time. And do you know what it feels like to have to go to work for people you don’t feel you can trust (if you’re an American, I’m sure you do)? It fucking sucks. Add on to the fact I’m currently in a work center I absolutely abhor and I really am sometimes shocked I don’t just drive off the road on the way to work some days.

And now the kicker is I volunteered to deploy in January, thinking it would help my bosses avoid some headache, and things at work have only gotten even worse.

Anyways, I know whining here isn’t going to do shit for me and really I’m just stuck without an outlet at the moment. But it’s seriously getting harder and harder to put up with this place and I don’t know how much more of this shit I can put up with (if any).