Something About Wagons

I wrote most of the following about twelve hours ago and since then have been debating on whether I should post it. Partly because I think a lot of it is the same old drivel I've been writing about for awhile now. But mostly because I feel that once I hit that "publish" button I'm going to be accountable for this. And I really don't like that idea. Anyways...

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I made it a little over two months before I decided to drink again. At first, it was out of boredom - I tested positive for COVID and had been going stir-crazy while being stuck at home. It seemed harmless enough, I was just going to try out some of those fancy beers I've been aging in my garage. And I really only had a few beers that first night. Despite the (relatively) low quantity of alcohol consumed, I felt like shit the next day, which I took as a sign from God that I wasn't as ready to get back to drinking as I thought.

So I did what any reasonable person would do and I drank again the next night just to be sure. Started out with fancy beers again and finished with whisky and coke. This time I drank a lot more than the previous night and while I still woke up feeling the aftereffects of a night of heavy drinking, it wasn't as bad as that first night. So obviously God was OK with my drinking again.

The next few nights are a blur, but suffice to say there was a lot of alcohol involved. Like a disgusting amount of alcohol. I know I could argue right now that I have some pretty good reasons for wanting to be drunk (as though drinking to cope is ever really a good reason), but I also know those "reasons" would just be me trying to shift blame. 

I don't know why I can't be normal and just have one or two drinks and then call it a night. Or why every occasion that involves alcohol is a cause for being drunk. What I do know though is that in only a week's worth of time drinking, I already feel like I'm watching my life slip away from me. I also know I'm not very happy with that life. And I know one of the biggest obstacles between me and the life I want is my drinking.

So I guess I'm saying is it's time for me to quit drinking for good. Or at least until I win the lottery and don't have to worry about shit-else anymore. This sucks; I don't at all feel ready for it. I do feel like a failure for it though. There's a lot of craft beers out there I'm mad I'll never get to try. But this is something I knew a long time ago I would one day need to do (and I've honestly taken too long to get around to doing).