If I Was a Superhero...

My superhero name would be... Creepy-but-well-meaning-man.

If I was part of a superhero team, it would be... The Buffalo Bills.

I would've gained my superpowers... on a drunk night when I stumbled into a university library filled with radioactive books.

I would continue to draw my strength from... coffee, awesome music, and the need to impress a specific woman.

My superpowers would be... confusing people to the point they give up and making people feel bad for wearing clothing made in China.

I would fight... crime, but only when it was convenient for my sleeping schedule and I was sure I would win.

My weaknesses would be... frosted sugar cookies and pretty girls wanting to talk to me.

My sidekick would be... Alaskan White.

My theme song would be... a techno remix of the Reading Rainbow song.

The friend I'd trust to know my superhero secret despite the inherent high risk to his life would be... Captain Morgan.

My secret hideout would be in... Candy Land.

My archnemesis would be... GCI.