In Regards to Wishing I Was Gay
[For the record, in case you didn't know, no one is forced to read these things. I only say that because the way some people whine about me whining, you'd think I had a henchman holding a gun to some people's heads forcing them to read this crap.]
It all begins with Girl X. Anyone that knows me well enough knows what hell I put myself through in regards to her. Obviously that was retarded of me, so it goes (there's actually more to the story, at least from my perspective, but that's for another time). It took me awhile, but I finally started getting over her (I probably wrote a note or two about it). However, it wasn't until last Spring that I finally realized things with her were just never going to happen. And yes, there's a difference, albeit a small one, between getting over someone and realizing you'll never be with them. And that realization put me into a bit of a depressive cycle. Such is life.
But then this past Summer I started getting past that cycle. I made some new friends, I started getting out and doing stuff, and in general, life wasn't looking so bleak. And things continued like that. All the while, as much as I certainly thought about romance and wouldn't have minded someone to be involved with, I wasn't really looking. I was happy to let things just be as they were; life was good.
Then not too long ago, I started talking quite a bit to a girl in one of my classes. At first, I didn't think too much of it, but as the conversations became more frequent, I started to wonder if maybe there was something else there. Then as I thought about it more and more, not only did I know for sure there was something there, I was excited for it. So much in life was looking up and Girl X finally felt truly like a thing of the past; why shouldn't I a romantic interest in my life?
So girl and I talked about things between us. She said she'd had a crush on me since practically the first day of class. My feelings weren't much different. So we decided we'd go out and see what happens. And things went good. Suddenly I found myself on cloud nine. Here was this beautiful and intelligent girl that I was enamored with and somehow, she thought the same about me.
But it didn't take long for all that to go to shit. And in many ways, I'm still wondering what exactly happened for it to go like that. I mean, I know on one hand, women are "bat shit crazy" and I'm more likely to find the cure for cancer than to ever understand a one of them. But on the other hand, for the first time in a long time, this was someone that truly liked me and up until the very last time we talked, things seemed good.
In all objectivity, I know I'm better off without said girl. But that doesn't change the fact that she's indicative of a pattern in my life of extremely short romances with abrupt ends. And after so many fuck-ups, you have to realize the problem isn't really them.
I want to ignore it like it never happened; to pretend everything with her was a bad dream. But the real problem is timing. First, there's the whole getting over Girl X thing and having some shit like this happen makes me feel like I'm back in last Spring. But bigger than that is the coming of Winter.
Alaska is beautiful beyond words and even in Winter it can be awe-inspiring. However, the Winters are dark and cold and I wouldn't recommend anyone spend them alone. Of course, it's inevitable sometimes that shit happens and you just end up spending the season huddled in your house praying to God Spring gets here before you fully go crazy, but for most people it only takes a couple years of that before they're packing up and moving town. At least if they can. A lot of others get the misfortune of becoming statistics in the state's ridiculously high rate of alcohol (and other drugs) abuse and suicide.
For the first time in all the time I've lived up here, I thought I was going to spend Winter with someone else. I thought I finally had someone to help me in keeping away the cold. But instead it turned out to be just another girl in a long list of mistakes I've made (on the plus side, I'm not pursuing the friend zone this time).
The thought of another Winter alone in this place makes me wonder if I wouldn't be better off joining the Army. Or just doing whatever it takes to get the hell out of here.
It all begins with Girl X. Anyone that knows me well enough knows what hell I put myself through in regards to her. Obviously that was retarded of me, so it goes (there's actually more to the story, at least from my perspective, but that's for another time). It took me awhile, but I finally started getting over her (I probably wrote a note or two about it). However, it wasn't until last Spring that I finally realized things with her were just never going to happen. And yes, there's a difference, albeit a small one, between getting over someone and realizing you'll never be with them. And that realization put me into a bit of a depressive cycle. Such is life.
But then this past Summer I started getting past that cycle. I made some new friends, I started getting out and doing stuff, and in general, life wasn't looking so bleak. And things continued like that. All the while, as much as I certainly thought about romance and wouldn't have minded someone to be involved with, I wasn't really looking. I was happy to let things just be as they were; life was good.
Then not too long ago, I started talking quite a bit to a girl in one of my classes. At first, I didn't think too much of it, but as the conversations became more frequent, I started to wonder if maybe there was something else there. Then as I thought about it more and more, not only did I know for sure there was something there, I was excited for it. So much in life was looking up and Girl X finally felt truly like a thing of the past; why shouldn't I a romantic interest in my life?
So girl and I talked about things between us. She said she'd had a crush on me since practically the first day of class. My feelings weren't much different. So we decided we'd go out and see what happens. And things went good. Suddenly I found myself on cloud nine. Here was this beautiful and intelligent girl that I was enamored with and somehow, she thought the same about me.
But it didn't take long for all that to go to shit. And in many ways, I'm still wondering what exactly happened for it to go like that. I mean, I know on one hand, women are "bat shit crazy" and I'm more likely to find the cure for cancer than to ever understand a one of them. But on the other hand, for the first time in a long time, this was someone that truly liked me and up until the very last time we talked, things seemed good.
In all objectivity, I know I'm better off without said girl. But that doesn't change the fact that she's indicative of a pattern in my life of extremely short romances with abrupt ends. And after so many fuck-ups, you have to realize the problem isn't really them.
I want to ignore it like it never happened; to pretend everything with her was a bad dream. But the real problem is timing. First, there's the whole getting over Girl X thing and having some shit like this happen makes me feel like I'm back in last Spring. But bigger than that is the coming of Winter.
Alaska is beautiful beyond words and even in Winter it can be awe-inspiring. However, the Winters are dark and cold and I wouldn't recommend anyone spend them alone. Of course, it's inevitable sometimes that shit happens and you just end up spending the season huddled in your house praying to God Spring gets here before you fully go crazy, but for most people it only takes a couple years of that before they're packing up and moving town. At least if they can. A lot of others get the misfortune of becoming statistics in the state's ridiculously high rate of alcohol (and other drugs) abuse and suicide.
For the first time in all the time I've lived up here, I thought I was going to spend Winter with someone else. I thought I finally had someone to help me in keeping away the cold. But instead it turned out to be just another girl in a long list of mistakes I've made (on the plus side, I'm not pursuing the friend zone this time).
The thought of another Winter alone in this place makes me wonder if I wouldn't be better off joining the Army. Or just doing whatever it takes to get the hell out of here.
posted by Paul | 4:24 AM
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