I Need a Wife
I'm not saying I'm in any rush to get married. In fact, looking at a lot of marriages around me, I often feel I'd be better off avoiding the ordeal altogether (and considering my track record, I'm well on course to do so).
However, I was grocery shopping today, my first big stock up since moving into my new place, and I noticed something disturbing: I'm still buying a lot of the same groceries for myself that I was when I was 21. Easy single serve meals guaranteed to give me a heart attack by age 35 if consumed regularly. Foods that can be eaten right out of the container in mass quantities to substitute for a meal. Canned goods that I should probably just dump straight into the toilet for all the good they'll do me.
Now I would love to break this cycle. Not because I don't want a heart attack by age 35 (heck, depending on the drugs given for recovery, I might want two). But because it seems like the more grownup thing to do. However, this is no easy cycle to break. In fact, the only common denominator I've noticed in the men that seem to have broken the cycle is that they're all married. It's almost as though these wives seem to want their men to be healthier and therefor make sure microwaveable meals are a rare occasion. But I don't have that attachment, so the willpower to break said cycle just isn't there.
There's also the issue of actually cooking. Not that I don't like it, in fact most the time I very much do. But I hate cooking just for myself. For one, if the meal sucks, to people should suffer. And for two, it's hard to make a full meal proportioned for just one person and usually I end up making enough for two or more. And as much as I love some foods, having a five day supply is just too much. Three days straight of any food is too much (unless that food is Moose's Tooth pizza). However, those not-so-healthy microwaveable meals are already made to serve just one person; how perfect.
Another reason it might do me good to be hitched is that my place, when I'm done moving in, will look like it was decorated by a blind man. The only reason anything in my house matches is because I bought it as a set, like my bed and dresser. But matching items are few and far between. However, I've heard rumors that women actually have a knack for this decorating thing. And while nine days out of ten I'll be home alone and it won't matter how my house looks, I'd like to think on that one odd day guests come over, they don't leave feeling like they're walking off the set of a Tim Burton movie.
Anyways, yeah, this is what I was thinking about while walking around the commissary today. Not that I actually need a wife, but that in some ways they may not be the evil entity I so often hear about them as. I've heard rumors of a couple other benefits as well, but getting proof of those benefits could get me in a lot of trouble. Or make me some really weird new friends. Either way, it's not good.
However, I was grocery shopping today, my first big stock up since moving into my new place, and I noticed something disturbing: I'm still buying a lot of the same groceries for myself that I was when I was 21. Easy single serve meals guaranteed to give me a heart attack by age 35 if consumed regularly. Foods that can be eaten right out of the container in mass quantities to substitute for a meal. Canned goods that I should probably just dump straight into the toilet for all the good they'll do me.
Now I would love to break this cycle. Not because I don't want a heart attack by age 35 (heck, depending on the drugs given for recovery, I might want two). But because it seems like the more grownup thing to do. However, this is no easy cycle to break. In fact, the only common denominator I've noticed in the men that seem to have broken the cycle is that they're all married. It's almost as though these wives seem to want their men to be healthier and therefor make sure microwaveable meals are a rare occasion. But I don't have that attachment, so the willpower to break said cycle just isn't there.
There's also the issue of actually cooking. Not that I don't like it, in fact most the time I very much do. But I hate cooking just for myself. For one, if the meal sucks, to people should suffer. And for two, it's hard to make a full meal proportioned for just one person and usually I end up making enough for two or more. And as much as I love some foods, having a five day supply is just too much. Three days straight of any food is too much (unless that food is Moose's Tooth pizza). However, those not-so-healthy microwaveable meals are already made to serve just one person; how perfect.
Another reason it might do me good to be hitched is that my place, when I'm done moving in, will look like it was decorated by a blind man. The only reason anything in my house matches is because I bought it as a set, like my bed and dresser. But matching items are few and far between. However, I've heard rumors that women actually have a knack for this decorating thing. And while nine days out of ten I'll be home alone and it won't matter how my house looks, I'd like to think on that one odd day guests come over, they don't leave feeling like they're walking off the set of a Tim Burton movie.
Anyways, yeah, this is what I was thinking about while walking around the commissary today. Not that I actually need a wife, but that in some ways they may not be the evil entity I so often hear about them as. I've heard rumors of a couple other benefits as well, but getting proof of those benefits could get me in a lot of trouble. Or make me some really weird new friends. Either way, it's not good.
posted by Paul | 9:38 PM
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