The God I Believe In (And The God I Want to Believe In)
When I lived in South Carolina, I had a great group of friends that had this amazing passion and love for Jesus. To sit there and listen to them talk about their God and their faith and everything related was often an awesome yet humbling experience. When they talked about God, it was so often about love and forgiveness and grace. It was about the God that sent His only son to earth to be the ultimate sacrifice so that we may all live in His love. It was about a God that had a plan for them; a plan that no matter how painful at times, they knew had a happy ending. It was about a God that, despite reigning over billions, had singled them out and was able to make them feel individually loved.
These people truly loved their God too. You could see it in their faces and hear it in their voices. And the way they lived their lives, you could see they were living for Him too.
I wanted so badly to love the God they talked about. I would dream of being able to be like these people and think of how awesome life would be if I could have such faith. And I gave it my all to love their God (at least the best I knew how). I prayed a lot. I read the Christian books by authors who often sounded like they belonged to this circle of friends I had. I went to church and small groups and every retreat I could. I wanted so desperately to find this God and have Him as the focus of my life (and for a short time, I really thought I did).
But it turned out He just wasn't a God I could believe in.
(Now you'll have to except a bit of duality here. Their God is the Christian God. The God I believe in is the Christian God. Technically they're the same. But they're also very different).
Every time I open the Bible, I see standards I could never live up to. I see a God that tells me what a horrible wretched person I am. I see all my sin and my inability to escape it. I see a vengeful and angry God. I see failure after failure and failure. I see a God that's finally turned his back to me.
Not because I've screwed up so much in the past, but because we both know I'm bound to do it again. And there must be a limit to how many times someone can be forgiven, especially when they know better.*
I'm not saying I no longer call myself a Christian. I still believe in God and His son and there's even times I talk about them, though I usually try to talk about the God and Christ my South Carolina friends always talked about. However, I definitely have my doubts about my spot in Heaven.
In all honesty, I'm not sure what I'm trying to say. Other than that the one true God is somehow two Gods, one nice and one angry. And I only believe in the angry one. And I'm pretty sure that affects more of who I am than even I want to think possible. Maybe someday I'll find the other one.
*Please no one comment or email me with some stupid comment like "if God could forgive me than he can forgive you". I don't know why, but a lot of Christians seem to like having pissing-contests over who was the biggest sinner before being born-again. It annoys me and often makes me want to smack people, even if it's in church.
These people truly loved their God too. You could see it in their faces and hear it in their voices. And the way they lived their lives, you could see they were living for Him too.
I wanted so badly to love the God they talked about. I would dream of being able to be like these people and think of how awesome life would be if I could have such faith. And I gave it my all to love their God (at least the best I knew how). I prayed a lot. I read the Christian books by authors who often sounded like they belonged to this circle of friends I had. I went to church and small groups and every retreat I could. I wanted so desperately to find this God and have Him as the focus of my life (and for a short time, I really thought I did).
But it turned out He just wasn't a God I could believe in.
(Now you'll have to except a bit of duality here. Their God is the Christian God. The God I believe in is the Christian God. Technically they're the same. But they're also very different).
Every time I open the Bible, I see standards I could never live up to. I see a God that tells me what a horrible wretched person I am. I see all my sin and my inability to escape it. I see a vengeful and angry God. I see failure after failure and failure. I see a God that's finally turned his back to me.
Not because I've screwed up so much in the past, but because we both know I'm bound to do it again. And there must be a limit to how many times someone can be forgiven, especially when they know better.*
I'm not saying I no longer call myself a Christian. I still believe in God and His son and there's even times I talk about them, though I usually try to talk about the God and Christ my South Carolina friends always talked about. However, I definitely have my doubts about my spot in Heaven.
In all honesty, I'm not sure what I'm trying to say. Other than that the one true God is somehow two Gods, one nice and one angry. And I only believe in the angry one. And I'm pretty sure that affects more of who I am than even I want to think possible. Maybe someday I'll find the other one.
*Please no one comment or email me with some stupid comment like "if God could forgive me than he can forgive you". I don't know why, but a lot of Christians seem to like having pissing-contests over who was the biggest sinner before being born-again. It annoys me and often makes me want to smack people, even if it's in church.
posted by Paul | 9:40 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home