The Picture as I See It

In regards to a recent event, a few people have asked me "What happened?" Honestly, I'm still trying to put a lot of the pieces together. Just a few weeks ago we were talking about marriage and kids and all that good real adult stuff. Then seemingly overnight it was all over and the home we'd be making together has become a sad lonely house. However, over the past week I've had a lot of time to think and what I thought was "seemingly overnight" became something that had been building up for awhile. And as I've been putting the pieces in their places, some parts of the picture have definitely become clear.

For starters, there was a huge lack of communication on my part. Which I know for some people is hard to imagine as I sometimes never shut up. But when it came to things that were important in the relationship, I rarely ever spoke up. I was unhappy with some things in our relationship, but rather than talk to her about it, I remained silent and instead let myself become resentful of her for the things I was unhappy about, but that she didn't even get to know about. That really is a special kind of selfish.

For seconders, I'd become too comfortable in the relationship; I took it for granted this idea that she would always be there. So when I was mad at her or I knew she was mad at me, I figured it was something that we could deal with at a later time (which also ties into the communication thing). I was also really lacking in making time for her.  In my mind she'd always be there and I could make time later, so instead I was making time for video games and just being drunk. (I'm not saying video games helped to destroy the relationship; she knew at any time she could ask me to quit any game and I would. But I'd have then probably gone on to do something else that didn't involve her).
I'm sure there's more to it all than just these two things, but this is what has really become apparent to me while looking back.

I know some people are going to read this and think, "Paul, you two have broken up before and you two always get back together a week or two later." In the past, that's been true and I'd be lying if I said I didn't have some hope that happened again this time. But there's something very different this time. When we last spoke, she seemed happy with this. And I don't mean that in a bitchy or malicious way, but that she reached a place where she realized this is what's best for her. We both weren't really happy with how the relationship was going and while I still want her next to me, I want more than anything for her to be happy.

I also know there will be some people that read this and think, "Dear God let it be for real this time - I never liked those two together." That's fine, you're entitled to your opinion. And opinions, by definition, can't be wrong. Yet you somehow managed to have one that's wrong. I know "on paper" we didn't look like a great couple, but I think overall we did pretty good (and much better than other couples I've known that did look good on paper).

Lastly, I'm sure there's people that know me all too well and are thinking "Paul's just writing this hoping she'll read it and come back to him." Sadly, the opportunity for doing things like that has gone. This is just my way of processing what happened/what's going on; I'm completely lost otherwise. And sure, I don't have to put it out there for the world to see. But the world doesn't need to read it either - this is just what I do.

So anyways, now that this is happening, anyone and everyone can expect a lot more of this mopey shit from me. At least for a little while. But don't expect any poetry this time around; pretty sure all that creative juice is gone.

Short Story Long

(Note: Originally was just going to do this as a Facebook status update, but it kind of got a way from me and is way too long for that).
Short story long, I took Hamlet out to use the bathroom like I do every night after work. This happens pretty late most nights and Hamlet and I our usually the only souls to be heard, let alone seen. But tonight I notice some dude about 300 feet away and slowly walking in my direction. I'm telling Hamlet to hurry up and do his business, but he's being his oppositional self and wondering aimlessly around. Finally, I say screw it and move to take Hamlet in, hoping he can hold in whatever is left til morning. 
But as I'm walking back to my garage, this dude starts saying "hey" and I can't make out the rest. I know I should have just ignored the dude and went inside, but part of my brain was like "what if he's in some sort of distress?" So I turn around and go to talk to him. 
Thankfully, my neighbor Jesse installed a motion activated flood light so I'm talking to this dude in a well lit area. He's obviously super drunk and I can't make out much of what he's saying. Other than him telling me I speak with a Russian accent and that my Air Force uniform is a sure sign I'm in the Army. After a couple minutes, I've decided I don't have any more time for this and tell the guy I've got stuff to do and I'll see him around. I turn to go inside and then he says something about being locked out of his house and just needing a phone. 
At this point, I'm getting paranoid. For starters, there's been an influx of homeless people in my neighborhood and not the nice kind that come in an pick up trash for you or even manage to pick up after themselves. But also, I'm not going to trust some drunk guy that thinks I'm Russian to not drop my phone and break it (pretty sure I could've caught him if he tried to run off with it). So I ask him if he lives around here and he says yes and named a legit house number. He then claims he can unlock his house with my phone. I told him I could call someone for him, but he balked because a can would cost too much. I asked him why he needed a cab and he said he was locked out of his car. I reminded him he was locked out of his house and he said "oh yeah." And then went back and forth insisting he could unlock his house and/or car with my phone. 
Finally, I'm just too creeped out by this guy and really wanting to get inside so I don't miss House Hunters, so I let him I was going in and wished him luck with his dilemma. He says back to me "good luck" in what sounded to me like a menacing way (though it may have just been my imagination since he'd already been creeping me out). I shut the garage door and immediately start to worry he might damage my car sitting in the driveway. But I remember that car is already screwed (story for another time) and get kind of hopeful he does enough damage to total it out. 
Then I manage to make myself super paranoid imagining this guy smoking some meth and then trying to get "revenge" on me by breaking in and doing who knows what. I know realistically this isn't very realistic, but once my imagination has latched onto a paranoid fantasy, it's making it my reality for the next 24 hours. My best way to handle the situation then: pull my pistol from the safe and load it up. I know this isn't necessarily the wisest thing to do, but seriously, fuck you if break into my house and become a credible threat to me or my loved ones (including pets). 
Before I can load the gun though, I have to put away groceries (because priorities). After doing that, I decide to go out on the balcony and see if that guy is still outside. I was delighted to see another sight - three cop cars where the guy had originally been lurking. The creepy dude was nowhere in sight, so I don’t know for certain he was arrested, but I have a hard time seeing him outrun a sloth as drunk as he was. I’m still not at complete ease, due to the increase of homeless people I’ve seen around recently, but I’ll sleep better tonight feeling I can keep the gun in the safe and just have a knife under my pillow.