The Kind of Frustration No Toy Can Fix

Contrary to popular belief, when it comes to asking women out on a date, I can handle rejection. It sucks, but I know it's not the end of the world. While I prefer the more tactful rejection, such as a girl saying she's just really busy these days and just can't do it or that now just isn't a good time for her, I can also handle the blunt "no". While the former is a bit nicer and can help a guy save face (even if there's no one around), the latter is at least honest and I can respect that.
The last couple girls however have said yes. Only for that to turn out to be a lie.
The first girl said yes and that she'd call me, but she never did. The worst part of that for me was that I'd been wanting to ask the girl out for awhile, so when I finally got the courage to do so and she said yes, I was beyond being on Cloud 9. I was on Cloud One Million or somewhere around there. So as the days went by and she never called or texted, I felt pretty bummed. But I didn't let it keep me down.
In fact I asked out another girl I'd then recently met. And she said yes. We even set a day and time and a tentative place. But then just a couple hours before the date, she texted me to cancel saying she'd forgot about a previous commitment. It seemed like BS to me, especially as she didn't offer to reschedule or anything. But I wanted to give her the benefit of the doubt (and admittedly, I was overly hopeful) and so I asked her next time I saw her about trying for another time. She said yes again, but that she'd have to check with one of her friends to make sure she didn't have anything planned for the coming weekend. At which point the stench of BS became overpowering.
Seriously, WTF? I get that most people don't want to be the "mean" person that just says no. But as I mentioned earlier, there's tactful ways to do it. Sure, I could turn out to be one of those guys that never gets the hint when a girl tries to be tactful, but then at that point she has all right to be mean. I just don't understand this need to say "yes" and then back out.
Who knows, maybe my parents raised me better so that I know to be honest. Or should I be foolish enough to commit to something I don't want to, I stick to my word. Afterall, it was just a date; not as though I asked them to run away with me (I save that for the third date). Not that I really want to buy dinner for someone that doesn't want to be there, but if nothing else it could give both of us a "worst date ever" story.
Oh well. With the world economy being what it is these days and all signs of actual recovery being less then stellar, maybe I can find a decent discount mail-order bride.

Writers Imagine It Better

It's hard for me to imagine myself being an actual published author. I know I like the idea of it, if for no other reason that I can at least say in some way I left a tangible mark upon the world. And I certainly like the idea of being a successful author that can live off the money from book sales alone. Then my habit of staying up late and sleeping later won't be seen as lazy, but as part of my creative cycle.

But before either of those two things has any chance of happening, I'd actually have to write a book. And that's a lot of work! Maybe if it was as simple as sitting down and typing out 100,000+ words I wouldn't look at it so much as the literary equivalent of climbing Mt. Everest. But it's not even close, at least not according to all I've heard and read about it.

First off, typing out those words in itself is a bit of a daunting task, or at least it would be for me. I've got a lot of story ideas, and quite a few of them very fleshed out (at least in my mind). So either I'm writing about one story and thinking about another, or I'm writing chapter one but my brain is in chapter three. It's nearly impossible for me to be on the same page with myself. Hell, I have a hard time focusing on just writing any one of these notes most the time (of which I'm trying to do more frequently now so I at least keep in the habit of writing regularly).

But even if I got a whole story out, next comes the editing part. Which means I have to read everything I wrote (and according to Stephen King, the best selling living author, it's best to wait about six months before proof reading so it's not so fresh in your mind and you can approach it more objectively). And then I rewrite a bunch of it. And then there's allowing a couple trusted friends to look over it, which will lead to more rewriting. In the end, you could easily end up writing more than twice as many words as will be published; it's almost like twice the work for half the result. And while I'm sure it's worth all the effort if you get published, that's a big "if" with no guarantees, especially for someone that's never been published before.

Which leads to the next big undertaking - getting published. You have to find an agent or you can try yourself to get a publisher to pick you up. Either way, it's a lot of work. And even if you find one or the other, there's still no guarantee you get published. The agent may not be able to find a publisher for you and eventually gives up or maybe the publisher backs out before going to press. Or maybe it's something else entirely. No matter what, until your book is on the shelves at bookstores, you're not actually a published author. Of course, there's the option of self-publishing, but that's a whole mess of its own that I don't want to think about let alone write about.

So anyways, yeah, it's a lot of work. With no amount of success guaranteed.

That being said...

Should I someday sit down and start writing, and for whatever reason I'm only able to write one book before I die, I've been thinking I should write a guide for men to the Friend Zone (with a section for women on why they're evil for even putting men into the zone). I mean, I'd like to write some novels and all, but if there's any on thing I feel qualified to write about (overqualified even), it's being stuck in the Friend Zone. I imagine it would be a humorous, light-hearted look at it all, but it wouldn't be without some actual advice (which would be me mainly saying what I did or didn't do and telling the reader to do the opposite).

And then you'd better believe, if I ever became a best-selling author and could live off the income of my book sales alone, I'd throw out every alarm clock in my house and sleep as much as I damn well pleased.

One Dumbass Nation of Sheep

If for the past couple months you've been living under a rock and haven't heard anything about the Trayvon Martin shooting, then for the sake of your sanity, please stop reading this now and go back to an undoubtedly blessed life.

However, if you're like most Americans, you've been following this story whether you want to or not. And, regardless of how you feel about the actual incident that started all this, if you're not to the point of wanting to burn down every news media outlet in America by now, then I pray for you soul.

I've been trying so hard to ignore the media circus around this; to believe that the country wouldn't fall victim to obvious manipulation by the media in its attempt to garner more power and profit. But alas, as a nation, we've proved to be more willing to follow where they lead us.

Personally, I think at best, Zimmerman is an asshole that had no reason to approach Martin or even spend time worrying about him. And at worst, there may be a case for manslaughter (though I believe in the case of the latter, it should be a matter more left to the legal system than the media).

However, after more than a month of local police saying there was no sufficient evidence of any wrong doing Zimmerman's part, and consequently a month of many people across the nation crying foul, local police have caved and arrested Zimmerman for 2nd degree murder.

Where, in any news report, has there been enough evidence to support a charge of 2nd degree murder!? There's been multiple witnesses to corroborate Zimmerman's story (of self-defense) to at least some degree. And while I think there is enough evidence to press some charges against Zimmerman (i.e. the manslaughter mentioned above), 2nd degree murder is a charge that implies Zimmerman sneaked up on Martin and shot him before he even knew he was there. And that's beyond bullshit!

Even if the charges against Zimmerman are lessened or even dropped, that guy's life is screwed forever. As far as much of America is concerned, the guy is a cold-blooded murderer regardless of how much of the story they don't know. Chances are, if found not guilty, he'll spend the rest of his life keeping as low a profile as possible. Then again, I'm not sure he's got much of a fair shake of being found not guilty.

But forgetting for a moment that one guy likely panicked and used more force than needed and the fact that the death of a 17 year old is tragic. (Whom, even if wasn't the greatest kid, was still just a kid and doesn't seem to be any worse than a lot of kids I knew in high school, many who went on to be just fine as adults). The thing that really kills me about this is the media shows once again it's ability to control so many people with just one story. Even better this time around is that many media outlets called themselves out for sensationalizing the story as though it absolved them of any wrong doing, and then they went right back to the sensationalizing.

We all have the ability to rationalize and think for ourselves; to dig deeper for facts when it comes to incidents such as this, and to come to our won conclusions. But instead of taking the time needed to learn for ourselves or even so much as think for ourselves, we let ourselves be spoon fed whatever the TV (or radio or internet) wants to give us. We have celebrities to tell us what to wear, eat, drink, and who to vote for. We have politicians to tell us what's best for ourselves. And we have a media that's got manipulation of the masses down to a science. It's almost as though millions of years of evolution to develop independent thought was maybe nature's mistake...

Finally, I'll admit that I'm not the most patriotic person I know. I'm not even in the top ten. But whenever stories like this come up, and the nation divides upon lines of race, religion, etc., I go from being a guy willing to die for at least the ideals presented by our fore fathers (though not so much the inadequate execution of them), to a guy damn near ashamed to call himself an American.

Bed Time was 2.5 Hours Ago; I Should Know Better

I wasn't thinking originally of writing any notes (or blogs or whatever you want to call them) tonight. My original hope was actually to try and go to bed early tonight (in the hopes I'd wake up early tomorrow to get some errands done). However, tortured thoughts have kept me from getting anywhere near my bed. Also, it's probably a good idea for me to keep in the habit of doing some writing somewhere daily. That should help prepare me for when I'm finally ready to sit down and start writing something worthwhile (i.e. a novel or script or statement for the press on why I'm not guilty for whatever crime I'm accused of).

Now if I were to write what's truly on my mind right now, it would be Girl X related. And honestly, I could give half a shit about who's tired of reading about it. The reason I don't write about it at the moment is if I were to do so, I'm pretty sure I'd make her into sounding like a much bigger villain than she really is. And for however much I might regret wasting all the time I did on her right now, I don't think she quite deserves for me to tell the story as it's in my head right now. So instead I'm going to write just whatever comes to mind...

I've been thinking about South Carolina a lot lately, kind of reminiscing. I think a lot of it has to do with being that I was just an airman while stationed there, I didn't have any real responsibility. So much as I showed up to work on time and did what I was told, I was free to live life however I wanted the rest the time. Not to mention the people I worked with were pretty cool and instead of yelling at me every chance they got, they tried to help me out (something many airmen I know aren't so fortunate to have). And I made a lot of AMAZING friends there, people I still think about on a daily basis. (And I don't mean I'm reminded of them through Facebook for something else, but that I actively take the time to think about them and hope they're doing well). There's also the fact that while I developed a lot of little infatuations, there was no one giant infatuation with any girl that sucked up way too much of my time and money (I only wish I could say the same about my next base). I also liked the fact that there were A LOT of very attractive women and they weren't wearing parkas nine months out of the year. And of course, there were the thunderstorms; I really miss thunderstorms. And finally, there's the amazing friends; so bad ass they get a second mention in the same paragraph (and this includes both Air Force friends and the awesome people at The Shack).

And then there's my grandpa, who has Parkinson's. I haven't seen him in a few years, which sucks enough. But from what I've heard, he's at the point of dementia, so he wouldn't even know who I am if I did show up (if I even had the money to do so). What really bothers me though is that the last time I saw him, knowing it could possibly be the last time, I wanted to give him a big giant hug and just tell him "thank you" (I'm not even sure what for, but I remember that being what I wanted to say). But I felt awkward standing there, getting ready to leave, and instead just shook hands with him like I've always done. Funny thing, Pride...

Another thing bothering me, though I can't say it really keeps me up at night, is after a few weeks of doing pretty well in going to the gym, I've pretty much stopped again. I'm not even sure how it happened. Before, even on days I didn't want to, I somehow found myself in my car and on my way. Now, even on days I want to go, I find something else that seems more important, like finishing a load of laundry. Or a couple more hours of sleep cause I didn't get to bed on time (much like tonight). It's weird cause I really do like going to the gym (particularly, I love a good jog) and I hate how I feel when I haven't been in a couple days. Yet I let myself constantly tell myself I can always make up for missed gym time today when I go tomorrow. When has that ever worked for anyone?

Anyways, this seems like enough writing for the night/morning. I have to go into work early tomorrow/later today (lucky me!). Also, I've had some Ray LaMontagne going while writing this, so I'm pretty sure if I kept writing some stupid Girl X stuff would come out. And no one wants that.

It's So Hard Being an Independant

Every election time, I often find myself feeling a little out of place. It seems, especially when listening to talk radio, there's a left and a right side (or blue and red if you prefer) and nearly everyone falls into those sides and they all think the same. And that's so weird cause I don't think I think like either camp. I mean, if I absolutely had to classify myself on pain of death, I'd say I'm a little more conservative leaning. But not by much. In fact I'm pretty sure many conservatives I know would classify me as a "stinking liberal hippie". And a lot of liberals just might say I was another "right wing nut job". And it's because of this I usually avoid talking about politics except for those people I'm close to (and only a select few at that).

However, tonight I think I just might open up about it a little and say how I think/feel on certain political topics, particularly the controversial ones. The worst that happens is my friends list dwindles to zero (which would many way more people read this that I thought. And the best that could happen is people see how right (and awesome) I am and suddenly I'm made into world dictator for life. Anyways, let's get to it.

Abortion: I'm against it. Except when the mother's life is in certain danger by keeping the baby. I believe life begins the moment of conception, and as a Christian, I feel it's wrong to end a life early. However, when the mothers life is in danger, I think there is exception to the rule. By risking the pregnancy, you put both lives in danger. Chances are the mother can try again or at worst, adopt (which really isn't a bad thing at all if she'd be a good mother).

Death Penalty: Against that too. I'm not even sure how so many Christians are for it. Don't get me wrong, I've heard of horrible crimes that literally make me sick and I wonder if I could look the perpetrator in the eye without wanting to kill them myself. But when I take a step back and try to view it rationally (as rational as any human can be at least), and as a Christian, all I see is another sinner who deserves every chance available for redemption. Also, some old guy who was probably crazy once said "An eye for an eye and the whole world will go blind" (Gandhi, paraphrased). I know I probably shouldn't listen to old people, but he almost sounds like he's on to something.

Legalization of Marijuana: Heck yeah! I have no intention of ever doing the stuff again, but I still have yet to see a real downside to the stuff. Other than that it stinks, but so do lots of things. Think a trailer full of potheads that hardly do a thing with their life is disgusting? Then I have no idea how you live with the drunk bums that fill so many downtown streets. Think pot is really a gateway drug? Then you should fight to ban swimsuit magazines because they're gateway porn! Seriously, can we just let pot smokers do their thing in peace and put that government money into something more productive (which would be just about anything).

Gay Equality/Marriage: What business is it of mine what consensual adults want to do in the privacy of their own homes? What right is it of mine to deny anyone the chance at lifelong happiness with someone else? (If you're actually wondering about the answer to those questions, please remove yourself from my friends list). Now I'm not going to get into a moral debate over this; I'm neither qualified nor really interested in doing so. Yes, I'm a Christian and I think the Bible makes its case in regards to homosexuality pretty clear. But at the same time, I still can't find the passage that talks about the speech Jesus gave commanding us to treat people as second class citizens based upon sexual orientation (oddly enough, I can't find anything in there anywhere about treating anyone as though they're unloved in some way; then again, maybe I just don't have the right version of the Bible).

And I think that's enough for now. I was gonna say something about gun control, but I've touched on it before and at this point, I'm pretty damn tired. And still have some "Draw Something" to do before bed.

I Need to Buckle Down and Focus and- Ooh, Shiny

I have problems staying focused in life. And I'm not saying short term, such as paying attention in class (though that would be true too, especially if there's any cute girls in the room). I mean in life in general.

For the most part, I know what I want to do with my life (which already makes me luckier than a lot of other people I know). I even know the path to take to get to most these goals (how many people have it so sweet?). But I'll be damned if I'm not wandering off the path or just plain stopping in the middle of it every ten feet or so. Sometimes it's because I think I found another path to take, but that always turns out to be a dead end. Sometimes I see something interesting in the forest around me and can't resist going to check it out, only to find it wasn't nearly as interesting as I thought it was (and even when it does turn out to be that interesting, it's taken up valuable time in which I should've been moving forward on the path). Then there's times I stop in the middle of the path just surveying all around me and I get lost in the scenery and am too slow to start moving again. Finally, there's my worst habit: Just stopping in the middle of the path, deciding that finishing will just be too much work, and sitting down and doing nothing.

Now the goals (at least the ones I can control) are: First, get my degree (at least a master's, but I'm not ruling out PhD at this point), and I still want it to be in English. Then to get a job as a teacher. Not because it seems like it would be a secure job that gives me Summers off, but because I've wanted to be a teacher for a long time and I think I'd be pretty damn good at it. Then at some point, hopefully before I'm done with school, I'd really like to start taking writing seriously and work towards getting published. Even if I never get published, I want to have at least tried. And then finally, when I'm old enough and should I be financially secure enough, I want to move back to England and open my own pub.

These are the big goals of my life, the ones I've had for years and that have remained constant. Of course there's also the whole getting married and having a family thing, but I think a lot of that is more up to God than myself. And there's also quite a few little goals, like running a marathon at some point and taking a trip to Antarctica. And while I wouldn't dare say I don't think of them as important, the lack of pursuit of them has not been what's been keeping me up at night.

So anyways, the reason I'm writing about this is because I've come to realize, I'm pretty far off the path. My first mistake was starting as a history major. Don't get me wrong, I love history and plan to minor in it. But if I were to say I have a passion for any one subject, it's English. And it's always been. I think part of the reason I decided on history was because English majors planning to be teachers are a dime a dozen and I didn't think the same would be true for history. I know better now. I'm just going to have to make sure when it comes time to shine when looking for a teaching job, I do a damn good job of it.

And at least, as a history major, I was going to school.

The second mistake has been working full time (albeit temporary employment each time). I've let this false notion that I need to continue to live the lifestyle I had while active duty rule a lot of my decisions. I knew before getting out I'd have to make a lot of sacrifices to go to school, yet for some reason, I've abandoned the plan. And due to my desire to have money now, I've taken this semester off from school. And that's a lot of time I won't get back.

So what if I won't get a new car soon or I have to have a roommate or I can't just buy a new movie/video game on a whim? I'm quite sure the sacrifice now will pay off later. And I've got to commit myself to that belief. I've got to learn to not eat out so much, to make use of what I already have instead of constantly buying new things, and damnit, I just might have to learn to enjoy boxed wine.

Anyways, yet again, I'm getting to the point of rambling. Though, to be honest, there was originally more in my mind to write on this subject (it's been getting a lot of thought lately). However, it's late, I'm getting tired, and I've got a full day of stuff to take care of to wake up to in a few hours.