The Longer Version (But Not the Longest)

I wish I could say that the first time I met Girl X, I thought she was the most beautiful girl I'd ever laid eyes upon; it seems like that would be more appropriate for all that happened. But that would be a lie. I thought she was attractive, for sure, but at the same time, I saw her as just another Air Force girl (what I think of the majority of girls in the Air Force, though not all, is a blog for another time; maybe). In fact, for the first couple months her and I talked, I was trying to hook her and one of my friends up. But that never quite happened.

However, during that time, Girl X and I got to spending a lot of time together. And before I knew it, I found I had a crush on her. Of course, I did my best to ignore it at first. Even after it was evident her and my friend weren't going to end up dating, I knew I didn't want to have a crush on her (or anyone for that matter, but that's a different story entirely). But we kept hanging out and I kept getting to know her better and it wasn't much longer til I found i really had feelings for her.

Now at first, I thought I might actually have a shot. We got along so great as friends and like they say, the best lovers are best friends (I have no idea who "they" are, but either they live in a great imaginary world or they're saying that in reference to a culture completely unlike our own). Surely she must've been thinking that too, at least to some degree. I should've known better than to be thinking at all.

I told her I had feelings for her. And then I told her she had to let me take her out on at least one date, which she agreed to. I took her on that date, and all things considered, I thought it went really well. And I was right. And wrong. And I have no way of really explaining that.

We ended up remaining just friends. And in a lot of ways, I think we were really good at it. But my feelings for her didn't go away. In fact, so much as we were spending time together, they grew. And I made sure she knew that I had feelings for her, constantly hoping she'd in some way tell me she kind of had them back. But that never happened. Instead I remained in the friend zone with Girl X while all of my other friends had to hear me whine about it. (Those poor souls).

Unfortunately, the friend zone thing with her went on for years. And while my friends were constantly telling me just to get the hell out, I was digging myself further in. Much too deep.

I've spent a lot of time lately looking back on it all and wondering what the hell was wrong with me. And sometimes wondering just how over it all I really am, but I like to imagine I'm pretty much over it. Girl X has a lot of great qualities and I won't pretend she doesn't just to be spiteful. But not only can I do better; I deserve better.

That being said...

If there was any one reason I stayed in pursuit for so long; that I chased after the heart of girl that has lived thousands of miles away from me for most the time we've known each other, or I kept in touch with her even while she was engaged to another man, or that I even kept on talking to her when she managed to make me feel like shit; it was for the story it would one day make.

I wanted her and I to be this amazing story of a boy who wouldn't give up and a girl that didn't realize until the very last possible moment before all hope was lost. I wanted it to be a story that could be made in to books and movies and possibly even a graphic novel. And, maybe most importantly, I wanted it to be a story that when told to my children, made my sons think twice before wanting to be man-whores and my daughters realize that there really are some decent men in the world and they wouldn't fall some asshole that treated them as less than they deserved.

I think I knew a long time ago that story would never happen. But I didn't want to believe it. So I kept banging my head against a brick wall.

So... Looking back on it all, it would almost be easy to say I wish none of it ever happened. But that's really not the case (most the time).

Knowing Girl X while I was in England got me to do a lot more traveling and adventure than I ever would've without her there (and probably a lot less drinking and video game playing too). And for that, I'm forever thankful. If I could change any one thing though, I would go back and make a move. Like an actual move, like kissing her. Chances are it wouldn't have lead to anything. But I have a friend now happily married that tells me how she had no interest in her husband until he did just that. And if Girl X was repulsed by it, I think our friendship was strong enough that it would've continued (with a little of feeling awkward around each other for a month or so). Either way, now I'll never know.

If I could change any second thing, it's that I would've quit doing anything with any sort of romantic suggestion to it the moment she left England. (Make that a couple weeks after that; I made a pretty sweet scrapbook for her that was started before she left, but not finished until afterwards). My last year in England, a whole year in which Girl X was back in the U.S., I spent a whole lot of money (not to mention time) trying to gain her affection, when really that money would've been much better spent on my friends still around me and myself. And I didn't do much better when I got back to living in the states. I'm not saying I should've just quit talking to her, just that I should've stopped buying her stuff or trying to be romantic and what-not.

Other than that, I don't think I would change anything.

I know the whole Girl X experience has probably screwed me up in more ways than one. And I know I was an absolutely pathetic retard to chase after a girl for so long when there was no real chance. But if I know anything else from the experience, it's just how much I believe in romance. And in some weird way, that feels real good to me.