In Regards to Wishing I Was Gay

[For the record, in case you didn't know, no one is forced to read these things. I only say that because the way some people whine about me whining, you'd think I had a henchman holding a gun to some people's heads forcing them to read this crap.]

It all begins with Girl X. Anyone that knows me well enough knows what hell I put myself through in regards to her. Obviously that was retarded of me, so it goes (there's actually more to the story, at least from my perspective, but that's for another time). It took me awhile, but I finally started getting over her (I probably wrote a note or two about it). However, it wasn't until last Spring that I finally realized things with her were just never going to happen. And yes, there's a difference, albeit a small one, between getting over someone and realizing you'll never be with them. And that realization put me into a bit of a depressive cycle. Such is life.

But then this past Summer I started getting past that cycle. I made some new friends, I started getting out and doing stuff, and in general, life wasn't looking so bleak. And things continued like that. All the while, as much as I certainly thought about romance and wouldn't have minded someone to be involved with, I wasn't really looking. I was happy to let things just be as they were; life was good.

Then not too long ago, I started talking quite a bit to a girl in one of my classes. At first, I didn't think too much of it, but as the conversations became more frequent, I started to wonder if maybe there was something else there. Then as I thought about it more and more, not only did I know for sure there was something there, I was excited for it. So much in life was looking up and Girl X finally felt truly like a thing of the past; why shouldn't I a romantic interest in my life?

So girl and I talked about things between us. She said she'd had a crush on me since practically the first day of class. My feelings weren't much different. So we decided we'd go out and see what happens. And things went good. Suddenly I found myself on cloud nine. Here was this beautiful and intelligent girl that I was enamored with and somehow, she thought the same about me.

But it didn't take long for all that to go to shit. And in many ways, I'm still wondering what exactly happened for it to go like that. I mean, I know on one hand, women are "bat shit crazy" and I'm more likely to find the cure for cancer than to ever understand a one of them. But on the other hand, for the first time in a long time, this was someone that truly liked me and up until the very last time we talked, things seemed good.

In all objectivity, I know I'm better off without said girl. But that doesn't change the fact that she's indicative of a pattern in my life of extremely short romances with abrupt ends. And after so many fuck-ups, you have to realize the problem isn't really them.

I want to ignore it like it never happened; to pretend everything with her was a bad dream. But the real problem is timing. First, there's the whole getting over Girl X thing and having some shit like this happen makes me feel like I'm back in last Spring. But bigger than that is the coming of Winter.

Alaska is beautiful beyond words and even in Winter it can be awe-inspiring. However, the Winters are dark and cold and I wouldn't recommend anyone spend them alone. Of course, it's inevitable sometimes that shit happens and you just end up spending the season huddled in your house praying to God Spring gets here before you fully go crazy, but for most people it only takes a couple years of that before they're packing up and moving town. At least if they can. A lot of others get the misfortune of becoming statistics in the state's ridiculously high rate of alcohol (and other drugs) abuse and suicide.

For the first time in all the time I've lived up here, I thought I was going to spend Winter with someone else. I thought I finally had someone to help me in keeping away the cold. But instead it turned out to be just another girl in a long list of mistakes I've made (on the plus side, I'm not pursuing the friend zone this time).

The thought of another Winter alone in this place makes me wonder if I wouldn't be better off joining the Army. Or just doing whatever it takes to get the hell out of here.

Baby, It's Only Going to Get Smaller.

Many, many moons ago, when having a home computer was a sure sign you were a nerd and the internet was every nerd's wet dream, I had very few friends. There were many reasons for this. For one, I was only in high school, so my social circle wasn't really all too big to begin with. And then there's the fact I was even more socially awkward back then than I am now. Also, I found 16-bit video games (I'm looking at you Sonic the Hedgehog) more mentally engaging than most the the other kids I knew. Lastly, the few friends I had were more than enough for me.

Friends back then were more than status updates and event invites; they were people I actually talked to on a regular basis. And I mean real conversations too! Not to say that's completely missing in my life now, but it definitely seems to be disappearing. Which seems completely contradictory to how things should be.

When I was in high school, you called someone or you wrote them a letter (most often I think we just tried to call). It was almost like effort had to be put into the relationship. And then along came email, which seems like it would've made keeping in touch easier and therefor more frequent, but it was the opposite that happened. I quit calling people thinking I could just email them later (and forget writing actual letters; why waste the paper (and by "paper", I mean "effort")). And then came Facebook (I actually did Myspace first, but like most people I'm pretty ashamed to admit that), which seemed like a God-send. I'd have one space for all my friends where I could say hello and catch up and share photos and so on and so on. And yet that rarely happens. In fact, the people I talk to the most on here are the ones I tend to talk to (at least somewhat) frequently in real life. Which has me thinking maybe it's time for some Facebook clean up.

Originally I was thinking of just deleting my Facebook, but I know myself well enough to know I'd just make a new one in a couple weeks. So instead I'm going to start deleting people. Well, I can't say "start" as before writing this I got rid of a couple dozen and then realized I should at least say something first (and it's not my fault if people don't read my notes), so let's say I'll resume.

I know there's reasons to keep all those "friends", whether it's for social/political/prove-my-popularity or whatever, but I don't really care anymore. I want to be interested in every status update that flashes on my screen, not trying to scroll through them all looking for the ones that matter (and I know I can "ignore" people while keeping them as friends, but then what's the point?).

So the criteria of keeping or deleting people (obviously family automatically stays in): If I can imagine us having a beer and/or coffee together one day, I probably won't delete you. But if you're on there because we merely worked together at some point or we met at some crazy party and just happened to exchange profiles and the only reason I know your first or last name is because it's listed on your profile, then does it really even matter if we can keep tabs on one another's life? And if for some reason you think I'm so interesting that you want to keep in contact, you can always email me. And you should probably also get your head examined.

Back to Wishing I Was Gay

For all the shit I talk about love and marriage and kids, I honestly think the most amazing thing that can happen for anyone is to find someone they can spend the rest of their lives with and then raise a family. Never mind modern divorce percentages or any of that; let's focus on the small percentage of successful relationships in the world. I envy them.

Contrary to so many of my jokes, I really dream of someday settling down and having kids and all that. I think for all the adventures life holds, that may very well be the greatest of them all. And to all those going through it, or who might even go through it, I wish nothing but the best. But I'm finally realizing it'll never be for me.

I've heard from multiple people, including family, that I'm someone who's always going to be single. And for awhile now, I've always shrugged it off and thought "I'll show you". I held on to this cocky dream that not only would I prove them wrong, but I'd do it in high fashion. Like out of nowhere I'd end up with some girl that was way out of my league, but at the same time she was in fact as madly in love with me as I was with her. We'd be a real life example of Disney's "happily ever after".

But, as recent events have shown me, I was wrong and they were right. I've got about a snowball's chance in Hell at a successful relationship.

I don't know shit about dealing with women. Every time I act like I feel I should act, often as in the way those stupid Disney movies say a man should act, I end up heartbroken and alone. And when I do as my friends say I should, I end up just the same.

I've been the nice guy and I've been the jerk (for the record, I really prefer to be the nice guy). I've been shy and I've been bold. I've been honest to a fault and I've lied to keep the peace. I've given it all and I've taken everything I could. The end result is always the same; I'm alone.

So for all the pity party this is (and is it ever not?), this is also me admitting everyone else is right.

Fuck School

The largest contributing factor to me deciding to leave active duty Air Force, come home, and go to school, was that I fully believed that's what God was telling me to do. And not in that way that people often say they're doing what God wants them to when really they're trying to justify doing something crazy that they want to do. (Someday I might tell the whole story of it, but not today). So anyways, here I am living back in Anchorage going to school and after doing it for a couple years, I can only come to one conclusion: I must be certifiably insane. As in it might be better for everyone if I was locked up. For me to think God was telling me to leave a financially stable life in which I was somewhat productive so I could be back here with no certain future is pretty damn ridiculous.

More so, I've come to realize (yet again), I absolutely hate school. With a passion. For starters, I'm surrounded by a bunch of kids that think they're way smarter than they really are. They have virtually no experience with real life, yet somehow they know how to solve all the world's problems if only someone would listen to them. Then there's the many older students that are trying to pretend they're younger (and yes, I do fall into this latter category). Then worst of all, most my classes feel pointless. It's like a money making scheme and I'm the sucker. But whatever, the point is I hate school and I'm pretty sure this is going to be my last semester of it (at least as a degree seeking full time student).