Me vs. The Bible (or should it be The Bible vs. Me?)
Until a few hours ago, I was tired and nearly ready for bed. But then, as it often goes, something(s) happened that caused a tornado to go through my mind and mix things up and leave me wondering what the hell is going on. Since this is not an uncommon thing to happen to me, the details are irrelevant (as they're so often changing). What matters is that I lay staring at the ceiling when I really need to be sleeping. On most weekend nights, I'd probably just revert to drinking to get myself to sleep. However, I have drill this weekend, so drinking isn't really a smart idea.
So anyways, as I've been stuck thinking, I've been thinking about things my friends said they do when they have troubling thoughts.
One thing I've noticed about my friends is that often the ones that seem the most calm about life and able to deal with stress are Christians. Please notice the qualifier, "often". And I think of what many of them said they do in times of stress. And a common denominator among most Christians I've noticed is that when they're feeling stressed or what-not, they often read their Bible. And this brings me to wondering just how horrible of a Christian I am.
For one, I'm not good at dealing with stress at all. I also spend about 90% of my waking moments stressing about one thing or ten. And the only reason I'll ever seem calm is because I'm either faking it, or I've yet to figure out a good way to freak out about things. But this is such a small part of the reason I call myself a bad Christian.
When many of the afore mentioned friends talk about reading the Bible in times of stress, it often ends with them finding answers in how to deal with their problems. And even if they don't find answers, they're able to find peace. But I don't find any of that. I find ways in which I've failed God. I see the ways in which I will always fail God, which make me not want to even try. And then when I realize I'm giving up so easily, I feel even worse for it. And then even more like giving up. (You can see it's a vicious cycle going on here).
It's not like I think I'm reading a different Bible than my friends are (even if they're different translations, they have the same message). But where they see hope and grace, I see despair and mistakes. And the fact that I can't see what so many others see - what even I think I should be seeing - makes me wonder what's wrong with me. Or (if we take Bible reading to be a relative experience) maybe I'm seeing exactly what I'm supposed to see, which to be honest is a bit scarier an idea for me than there just being something wrong with me.
I could go further into this (and maybe I should sometime, though not so publicly), but I don't think the details are really important at the moment.
So anyways, as I've been stuck thinking, I've been thinking about things my friends said they do when they have troubling thoughts.
One thing I've noticed about my friends is that often the ones that seem the most calm about life and able to deal with stress are Christians. Please notice the qualifier, "often". And I think of what many of them said they do in times of stress. And a common denominator among most Christians I've noticed is that when they're feeling stressed or what-not, they often read their Bible. And this brings me to wondering just how horrible of a Christian I am.
For one, I'm not good at dealing with stress at all. I also spend about 90% of my waking moments stressing about one thing or ten. And the only reason I'll ever seem calm is because I'm either faking it, or I've yet to figure out a good way to freak out about things. But this is such a small part of the reason I call myself a bad Christian.
When many of the afore mentioned friends talk about reading the Bible in times of stress, it often ends with them finding answers in how to deal with their problems. And even if they don't find answers, they're able to find peace. But I don't find any of that. I find ways in which I've failed God. I see the ways in which I will always fail God, which make me not want to even try. And then when I realize I'm giving up so easily, I feel even worse for it. And then even more like giving up. (You can see it's a vicious cycle going on here).
It's not like I think I'm reading a different Bible than my friends are (even if they're different translations, they have the same message). But where they see hope and grace, I see despair and mistakes. And the fact that I can't see what so many others see - what even I think I should be seeing - makes me wonder what's wrong with me. Or (if we take Bible reading to be a relative experience) maybe I'm seeing exactly what I'm supposed to see, which to be honest is a bit scarier an idea for me than there just being something wrong with me.
I could go further into this (and maybe I should sometime, though not so publicly), but I don't think the details are really important at the moment.
posted by Paul | 1:17 AM
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