Another One of Them God Blogs
It's hard to know what to write without writing too much. I'm a couple hours from having to wake up (yeah, that's gonna suck) for a fishing trip being hosted by a church's mens group. I know I need a break doing something like fishing and that's why I said I'd go. But I don't really want to be surrounded by a bunch of guys from a church group.
There's two big reasons for this, but I'm only going to talk about one here.
I just don't want to be around a bunch of people talking about God. Whether it's good or bad talk, I don't want to hear it. I feel like ever since I left South Carolina, my relationship with God has been growing further and further apart. Sure, at times it seemed like things were turning back around for the better, but they were never that long and then the coarse of things falling apart resumed. And since I've come home, the rate of separation has been increasing.
No, I don't feel like I'm beginning to question the existence of God. If only that were the case (I think it would be much easier to deal with).
At the moment, I can't even define what all it is that's causing this. Occasionally I take some time to think about it, but not much since it's not something I really want to think about. I know there's definitely some anger and frustration issues towards God on my part (I'm not going to go further into it here). And there's definitely a lot of doubt too (again, I'm not going into it). I've also discovered I don't like the idea that God may be such a merciful God. Some days I don't want grace; I want to be smacked up side the head, told what an idiot I am, and sent on my way. I've also got a lot of pride, and I've had to swallow it on a lot of occasions when dealing with people. So when it comes to dealing with God, I feel like I should hold on to it all I can. And then of course, a relationship with God can be a lot of work, and I'm lazy.
There's plenty more to be sure, but that seems like enough for the time being. The point is, I kind of wish I didn't sign up for this trip. Part of me is hopeful that maybe something amazing will happen on the trip, but a lot of other parts of me are thinking I'm about to spend the next two days of my life rather miserable.
There's two big reasons for this, but I'm only going to talk about one here.
I just don't want to be around a bunch of people talking about God. Whether it's good or bad talk, I don't want to hear it. I feel like ever since I left South Carolina, my relationship with God has been growing further and further apart. Sure, at times it seemed like things were turning back around for the better, but they were never that long and then the coarse of things falling apart resumed. And since I've come home, the rate of separation has been increasing.
No, I don't feel like I'm beginning to question the existence of God. If only that were the case (I think it would be much easier to deal with).
At the moment, I can't even define what all it is that's causing this. Occasionally I take some time to think about it, but not much since it's not something I really want to think about. I know there's definitely some anger and frustration issues towards God on my part (I'm not going to go further into it here). And there's definitely a lot of doubt too (again, I'm not going into it). I've also discovered I don't like the idea that God may be such a merciful God. Some days I don't want grace; I want to be smacked up side the head, told what an idiot I am, and sent on my way. I've also got a lot of pride, and I've had to swallow it on a lot of occasions when dealing with people. So when it comes to dealing with God, I feel like I should hold on to it all I can. And then of course, a relationship with God can be a lot of work, and I'm lazy.
There's plenty more to be sure, but that seems like enough for the time being. The point is, I kind of wish I didn't sign up for this trip. Part of me is hopeful that maybe something amazing will happen on the trip, but a lot of other parts of me are thinking I'm about to spend the next two days of my life rather miserable.
posted by Paul | 2:36 AM
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