This Time vs That Time

My therapist said something this week that really got me thinking. Which is annoying, but I guess also what I pay them for (I mean, ideally I'm paying them just to reassure me I'm a good person no matter what fucked up shit I tell them, but barring that I may as well be working on bettering myself as a human). Anyways, I was mentioning how I've been in a bit of a funk lately and I couldn't figure out why; after all, everything considered, life is kicking ass for me. Nonetheless, I've just felt out of sorts and have had a general malaise. 

So my therapist asked how long I'd been regularly drinking before I decided to stop. And I answered that, not counting the many breaks I took so I could tell myself I didn't have a problem, probably close to twenty years. My therapist then informed me that for a lot of people that have been drinking to the point it was part of their identity, around the one year sober mark is when they stop focusing so much on remaining sober and start thinking more about life in general. Some of those people even start finding they may have other issues to deal with that they once used alcohol as a coping mechanism for (gasp!). 

So I left my therapist's office thinking, "wow, what bullshit!" I mean, I've done a year sober before and I don't remember last time at all suddenly feeling like maybe I had some inner-issues or any of that which might need dealing with. In fact, I remember last time I was at this point (11 months sober) pretty well. I wasn't thinking at all about where I was in life or where I wanted to be; I was very focused on what I would be drinking once one more month passed! Of course, I was also telling myself that I'd drink in moderation this time around, but the first couple weeks I had a pass to drink as much as I wanted; I'd earned it - I'd spent a year sober.

Anyways, that year of sobriety was back in 2020 and despite the world going to shit, I had a pretty great year. So great in fact, that when I look back, I often wonder why on earth I thought it would be OK to go back to drinking. (Probably because I took a year off, which proved to me that I was in control and alcohol had no power over me). And now, I'm on the verge of another full year sober and while I wouldn't say it's been as good as 2020 was, it's still be a pretty good year. But very unlike 2020, I'm not planning my first few weeks of drinking. 

Instead, I'm trying to plan my next few months sober. Only I'm not thinking of them as "sober months." There's just months (and hopefully years) to plan. And there's figuring out what I really want to be doing during that time. Then figuring out how I'm going to make any of it happen. Or even if I'm serious about wanting to do it or is it just something that sounds nice. 

So anyways, yeah, a good bit to think about (and that's not necessarily a bad thing). But at least I'm not thinking about my next drink or trying to make plans around being drunk. And more importantly, I'm not lying to myself that once I start drinking again, I'll be in control.