I Say A Lot of Stupid Shit When I'm Angry

 I dated a woman once that would get mad at me because I would always shut down when conversations started to get heated. She took it as a sign I didn't care about what we were talking about, which couldn't be further form the truth. In actuality, for all I don't know about myself, I know myself well enough that when I get mad, I often say really dumb shit - often times the kind of things you can never really take back. Granted, it's been awhile since I've had one of those kinds of arguments, so maybe that's changed, but I have my doubts. Regardless, this isn't about dumb things I've said in old arguments. It's about dumb things I've said in old posts, even if one of those posts is only a couple days old. 

For the record, I have no suicidal (or homicidal) thoughts. I do have an extreme hatred for my job these days and my current position in it, but none of that is so great that I've seriously thought I'd be better off ending my life, with or without a dog. 

I'm not saying after posting that and getting some sleep I suddenly felt better - I most definitely still feel trapped and without a clue as to what to do. Without going into boring details, things at work have pretty much reached a breaking point and there really isn't shit I can do about it. Throw on top of that my car having issues (that my mechanic can't figure out and I'm not sure I can afford to fix anyways) and my house needing multiple repairs and it's a lot to deal with right now.

(And for the love of God and all that is holy, if anyone says something about "it could always be worse," I swear I might actually start considering suicide. I know it could be worse and I know other people even have it worse, but "focus on what you have" isn't how depression, even short term event-driven depression, fucking works. God bless all you types (mostly type-As I'd guess) that can always be positive no matter what, but too many of you seem to think if everyone just thought like you then the world would just be the happiest place. /rant)

I'm also still trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up (i.e. when I can finally retire from the military), but that's a whole other issue. It's just an unfortunate issue to have right now because it makes all the other issues feel worse. 

As I said in the previous post (which I'll leave up for posterity), I'm scheduled to be deploying in a couple months. I'm hoping to just take things as easy as possible until then and hopefully, pending any more unforeseen financial disasters, I can save enough money down there so I can at least put a decent down payment on a car I can reasonably trust for awhile.

Ever Get So Angry/Upset You Can't Even Piss Normally?

 

I can’t think of any good way to write this other than to say in so many ways I’ve fucked up. And now I’m stuck in a job that I absolutely loathe. I’m at the point that I honestly wonder if I didn’t have Hamlet* around, would I just blow my fucking brains out and never have to worry about it again. The job is boring, I have zero confidence/trust for my supervision, and due to my own foolishness, I’m absolutely fucking trapped. Sure, I could go back to school and finish my degree, but that would still take me longer than I feel like I have it in me to give – particularly with how much harder it gets for me to maintain focus as I get older. (I won’t even go into wtf am I supposed to do with a history degree because I have no idea any more).

On one hand, I know I can’t completely blame my supervision for my hating work. I mean, I have a history of not getting along with my supervision and the common denominator there is me. So there’s obviously something on my end that I need to work on. On the other hand, I feel like I’ve been lied to so many times now that me putting forth any more effort than I absolutely have to is a waste of time. And do you know what it feels like to have to go to work for people you don’t feel you can trust (if you’re an American, I’m sure you do)? It fucking sucks. Add on to the fact I’m currently in a work center I absolutely abhor and I really am sometimes shocked I don’t just drive off the road on the way to work some days.

And now the kicker is I volunteered to deploy in January, thinking it would help my bosses avoid some headache, and things at work have only gotten even worse.

Anyways, I know whining here isn’t going to do shit for me and really I’m just stuck without an outlet at the moment. But it’s seriously getting harder and harder to put up with this place and I don’t know how much more of this shit I can put up with (if any).