One Year Sober and I'm Still a POS

I didn't expect quitting drinking (for a year) to lead me to finding the love of my life or gaining super powers, though I certainly wouldn't have been disappointed for either to happen (especially the super powers). I did have an idea though, that if I were successful, I would've become a lot more productive. Most notably, I thought I would write a lot more. But I also thought I would've done more hiking, been more physically active, read more, and possibly try to learn guitar again. However, outside of being a little more consistent in going to jiu-jitsu (emphasis on little), I didn't do any of those things. I spent most my time sober as I did drunk, sitting around playing video games and watching TV. 

That being said, I'm not really bummed about it. If at the end of 2019 someone would've told me I still wouldn't accomplish shit in 2020 even being sober, I probably would've given up on the idea. But I'm glad I did it; for all I didn't accomplish, I at least feel like I learned a good bit about myself and I can be honest with myself about what I want in life and what it will take to get it (which is work, which is something I hate).

Another thing being sober has allowed me to reflect upon is how truly blessed my life is. For starters, my family has been there to help me out in rough times all too often, and a lot of people aren't so fortunate. On top of that, I have amazing friends. Like super amazing. Like I'm pretty sure all my friends are more amazing than your friends, even if you, the reader, are one of my friends: the rest of my friends that you don't know are more amazing than the friends of yours I don't know. And a lot of people aren't in such a lucky position. Finally, when I look back, I really feel there's been quite a few times God has been looking out for me. Now I'm not here to force God, or the idea of God, down anyone's throats. And I certainly won't criticize anyone for not believing in God, there are definitely some good reasons not to believe. But I do still believe and I 100% believe He's helped me out more times than I deserve. Why He would do that is anyone's guess. 

So anyways, as much as I love to complain about my life, it's really pretty good. So then why did I say I'm a piece of shit in the title of this thing? Because for having such a good (and simple) life, I hardly do a thing to give back. I don't think I'm necessarily a horrible person - I try to tip well when I go out, not litter, and put my cart back in the return bin after shopping - but I know there is so much more I could be doing. I'm able-bodied, I don't have kids, and my work schedule is relatively consistent; I could be doing a lot more with my life than sitting around playing video games. 

Which brings me to my New Year's Resolution for 2021: To do one volunteer event a month.* One thing a month is probably the bare minimum of what I could/should be doing to give back, but it's a starting point. Where and what I'll be volunteering to do is still up in the air (except for January), but I'm not too worried about that, just that I keep to it. And give back at least a little bit of time from a pretty blessed life that has wasted a ton of it.

*I also mean one event that is on my own time, not using work time. Because there's no shortage of people in the Air Force that use work time to go out and do volunteer activities. Which in the grand scheme of things is fine - chances are they'd just be twiddling their thumbs at work anyways so it's better they're out doing something to help the world be a better place. But those people posting their activities on social media like it makes them a saint when in reality they're doing it just to get out of work tends or irk me, enough so I had to write an afterthought about it.

Pending Unforeseen Disaster

If I had a day like yesterday back in March or April, Sober 2020 probably wouldn't have made it more than the first few months of the year. I won't go into specifics, but yesterday sucked. Not in any major way, but in a lot of small annoying ones that added up. And in 2019 (and 2018, 2017, and so on), those would be the days I wouldn't even be out of uniform before I was pouring myself my first drink for the evening. On the drive home, I couldn't help but think how great a crown and coke would have been to start the evening. But I was way too far into Sober 2020 to end it over a bad day.

Looking back, it's a bit crazy to me that I've made it this far and that, short of a major tragedy or announcement of impending doom, I'm going to go a whole year sober (a leap year at that!). And it's not that I haven't been tempted to drink; I've still got a decent liquor and wine collection in my mini-bar and I've built a pretty good beer collection during the year. But the times when it's felt tough, I've been able to tell myself "just one more day" and that's been enough to get me through it.  

Honestly, really bad days or even really good days haven't been the days I've felt most tempted to drink - it's been normal days without much going on. Lazy Sundays, quick and easy work days, days when virtually the entire city of Anchorage has been shut down... those are the days I hear a little voice in my head saying this would be the perfect time to just enjoy a beer or a glass of wine. A voice that says, even now, that I've gone long enough and refraining from alcohol at this point is just semantics. And in a sense, it might be right: the difference for my body whether I drink now or 20 days from now is negligible. And I think years from now, no one is going to think anything different if I say I was sober for most of 2020 or all of 2020. 

But this will be (again, assuming I do make it these last 20 days) the first time I've ever kept a New Year's resolution. And more importantly (to me), it'll be the first time I've really stuck to a personal commitment. I've noticed in my life I have a huge habit of saying I'm going to do things and then not following through, especially when it comes to my personal life and things that effect me. So while staying sober for a year may not have paid off in ways I originally thought it might (I did not suddenly develop superpowers, though I'm still hopeful these last weeks of 2020 might have something magical in store for me), it has definitely helped me in ways I wasn't expecting. We'll see if that ends up having any long last effects.