The Last Time I Drank

I wanted to die.

I was drinking, but not matter how much I drank, I just couldn't feel drunk. All I wanted was to feel drunk again and because I couldn't, I wanted to die. 

Don't get me wrong, I didn't want to kill myself and I certainly wasn't considering doing so. But if I couldn't feel drunk, which was my supposed favorite feeling in the world (right up until it wasn't), then what was the point of living? At the point I realized I just wasn't feeling drunk, I knew that legally I was very intoxicated - I just wasn't getting that nice little head buzz that usually came with it. And when I thought about it, I wasn't sure I had in quite some time. 

So I went and told my girlfriend at the time exactly what I was feeling. And I cried. I knew right then and there I couldn't drink anymore and I suddenly felt so much of my identity being ripped away and without it there was a whole lot of immediate questioning of who I was (or if I was anyone at all). After a little time of me just sitting there bawling like a baby, she got up, said she was going to take a break from drinking herself to help support me in getting sober, and then promptly dumped out all the other alcohol in the house.

I'm sure I've said it before, but I'll say it again - I knew long before I actually decided to get sober that I needed to get sober. I knew I was actually an alcoholic before I even did that Sober 2020 thing and that I should probably just get sober for good instead of just that one year. But the alcoholic brain has a funny way of convincing someone it's "not that bad yet." 

Anyways, I've been thinking about that specific night a bit recently (after someone at work asked if I was still sober and ever planned on drinking again).

You know how certain, often significant, events in your life can simultaneously seem so far away, but also just like yesterday? This isn't one of those events for me. The further I get from it, the even further away it seems. It hasn't even been a year and a half yet, but it already feels like years. I don't know if that's necessarily a good or a bad thing, but it definitely feels good. 

As to whether I plan on drinking again, the further I get from it, the more that answer is no. Like, I definitely once did plan on drinking again. I told myself if some certain event or another happened, I could drink then. But I know doing so would just lead me down that dark road again where I'm chasing a feeling I can't catch and consequently, I'm wanting to die.