It's Just a Bed, but it Wasn't Just a Bed

A short while before our breakup, my ex-girlfriend (henceforth referred to as "ex" or "exgf"; she has a unique name and works in a very professional field and I don't want anyone that might google her to come upon this blog) and I went shopping for a new bed. Really, it was her doing the shopping as she's the one that had the money and I was only along so I could object if I found whatever she picked absolutely horrible. Nonetheless, we were looking to upgrade - my old queen bed was no longer good enough for the job we needed and it was time to move on to a king-size bed and live like true royalty.
I remember quite well two constant things running through my mind as we did this shopping. The first was a huge feeling of guilt about her being the one paying for it. Even though I took care of the majority of the bills, she made more money, and it was her decision that we get a knew bed, I still felt like it was the man's job in a relationship to be the one paying for just about everything, especially expensive household items. I know this view on who's paying for what is old fashioned and something I really need to move past, but it was definitely a theme throughout our relationship and probably hindered things more than help. Funny enough, the bed would be the last time I'd ever have to worry about that (but there was no way of knowing that then).
The other thing keeping my mind busy during this bed shopping was the feeling that once the bed was purchased, this relationship was set in stone. I know we'd been together for quite some time before all this and had even been living together for well over three years at this point, but part of me felt like it still wasn't quite an official relationship (probably due to the on-and-offness of it throughout its time). As a few people had pointed out to me, it was time to either put a ring on it or move on.* And I saw the bed as pretty much the precursor to putting a ring on it. I spent a lot of our time shopping for this bed wondering did I really want to marry this woman or was it in our better interest to move on.
So as I put that bed frame together, I began to wonder what my options for financing a ring might be. I even asked my supervisor around that time if I could get some time on orders (the equivalent of getting extra hours) so that I could put money towards the ring. I wasn't ecstatic about all this like I'd always I imagined I would be when it came to planning to propose to someone, but I felt happy enough. "Content" would probably be the best word for how I felt about it all. I spent most that summer thinking I was going to be asking the woman I felt I loved to marry me at some point soon and that my life was very much moving forward in a good direction.
Then came the breakup, which I honestly didn't see coming, but that's another story; this is about the bed. She left the fancy new king-size bed with me. She said she wouldn't have room for it in her new place and she wanted something different anyways, so I could have it. I didn't really think much of it at the time other than it was going to be nice not having to go back to my old queen-size bed. And I hoped to some day be able to pay her at least some of the cost for it, though I knew that day would be a long way off.
And then about a year later she got a hold of me asking for the bed back - she wanted to sell it instead. And she had good reason for doing so, it wasn't like she was being a spiteful or anything. However, the frame for my old queen bed broke when I was taking it apart when we got the king, so all I had was the mattress and box spring and I didn't have the money to buy a new frame. So being the asshole I tend to be, I told her she couldn't have it back. I explained how I didn't have money for a new bed for myself (God forbid I sleep on a bed with no frame!) and also that she GAVE it to me, so it wasn't really hers to sell anymore.
A few days ago her parents came by and picked up the bed for her. It turns out, after enough time of remaining sober, I realized I can part with the bed and just sleep on mattresses on the floor (which turned out to not even be the case her parents gave me an old queen frame of theirs to use). And this isn't in any way that I think I've "grown" as a person (the amount of time I've spent on video games the past couple months can attest to that), but more that I've realized holding onto that bed wasn't doing me any favors. It was, in a way, the last remnant of a relationship I took too long to get over and seeing it every day often made me dwell upon what might have been, particularly when I'd been drinking.
Now I sleep on a bed that feels too small (especially when Hamlet decided to get on as well) and is a bit squeakier than I remember. And yet I find myself getting much better sleep than I have in a long time.

I'll Probably Have to Self-Quarantine in 2021

I'm officially one-third of the way through Sober 2020. Of course, that's assuming I make it all the way; it certainly has gotten harder. I expected things to get a little more difficult once I passed my PT test - I was not however very well prepared for this coronavirus world we're currently living in. One of my favorite things to do in the past was sit at home alone and drink while playing video games and that was before it was a lifestyle being forced on me. Still, I've got some things helping me to abstain (at least for now).
First, but probably also least, is my bank account. As I've mentioned before, it's not really growing while I'm staying sober. However, my debt has been going down and I do enjoy seeing that happen (though by current calculations, I'm gonna need Sober 2020 - Sober 2120 before I get rid of it all).
School has also been a big factor though. Or, to be honest, a fear of drinking myself retarded (more so than I often already feel I am).  I used to be one of those annoying people that could read a text once and remember nearly all of, or at least enough of it to get an A or a B on any test covering it. These days I often have to reread something two or three times before I retain enough information to pass any test or am able to write a decent paper on it. I know some of that has to do with age, but I also have no doubt that heavy drinking killed quite a few more brain cells than I'm comfortable with thinking about. And while I know I'll never be able to get to the point I was once out with memory and knowledge retention, I like to think that with sobriety now (and moderation later), I can get closer to that point than the one I feel I'm at now.
The next big factor is how much I'm still enjoying not being hungover. I probably still sleep more than is needed (because sober sleep feels SOOOO good), but when I'm finally out of bed I am able to get to my day without fear of being sick or wishing the sun had a dimming switch. And while every year I'm excited for summer and the idea of getting in a good bit of hiking, being sober I feel like there's a decent chance that might actually happen for me this year.
The final thing, and definitely not the least, that has been keeping me sober has to deal with my last relationship and the breakup and an initial unhealthy ways of dealing with it all. But that's all the talking about it I'm willing to do at this point. Still, it's keeping me on point with being sober and right now, that's a very good thing (no matter how much fun some quarantine drinking sounds to be right now).