My Bucket List

I'd never been one for the idea of bucket lists. Not to say I never said anything about bucket list items, but they were by and large jokes, like a threesome with two supermodels. Or they might be the kinds of things I'd never likely get to do, but they were fun to daydream about one day doing, like climbing Mt Everest. But recently I read a story about someone diagnosed with cancer and very little odds of surviving and instead of going into chemo and hoping that small chance came through, he decided to hike the Pacific Coast Trail. I don't think it was a bucket list idea for him, at least not the way the story read, but for some reason it got me thinking about things I want to do before I die (which I hope isn't any time soon, but one never can be sure).

So I thought about the things I want to do and there are literally thousands, but once I removed the fantastical and things that would require me to win lots of money to make happen, the list got a lot smaller. The list got even smaller when I thought about things that require someone else to make happen, like marriage and babies and all that. And then I narrowed it down to things I think I could do alone and still enjoy myself. Sure, they'd be funner with someone else, but I think I could go on my own and still have a good time. I was left with five things, at least that I can think of in the relatively short time I've been thinking about it.

Before I go into the list, I know some people think getting a book published or something like that might be on the list, but it most definitely is not. I can barely write a couple thousand words of a story before I lose interest in it, the idea of going for hundreds of thousands sounds like a whole lot of hard work. And while it would be cool if someday I did have the self-discipline to do it, there's no guarantee of ever getting published. So it doesn't seem like a good bucket list type item. Anyways, on to the list, which is in no particular order.

• See the Calgary Flames play at the Saddledome in Calgary. I'm not the sports fan I used to be, but if there's one sport I still enjoy, it's hockey. And the Calgary Flames happen to be my favorite team. I'm not sure how they got that honor - I'm guessing when I was young the first game I saw had them playing and they won - but I always thought it would be amazing to go see them play live. And to hang out in Calgary for a bit; seems like an alright city if I can get the past it also seems a bit country.

• Hike the Appalachian Trail. I know the story I read was about the Pacific Coast Trail, but I've daydreamed of hiking the whole Appalachian Trail since I first heard of it. Also, being a west coast guy, I feel like the east coast would make it all that much more of an experience for me. Of course this is a bucket list item that'll have to wait until later in life, like when I'm retired and it'll be OK for me to be away from my real life for six months.  

• See the Chicago Cubs play at Wrigley Field vs. the LA Dodgers. I'll be honest, baseball bores me nearly to tears these days. But when I was a kid, I loved it. And I loved the Dodgers. One way I was guaranteed to be able to watch the Dodgers play was when they played at Wrigley Field, since all Cubs home games were televised where I lived. I could pass a whole afternoon laying on the couch watching them play and I would just imagine myself there, especially whenever a Dodger player hit a home run. And while the adult in me would likely be praying the game doesn't go into extra innings so he could hurry up and leave, the kid in me would be having the time of his life. Though if it ever does happen, I'll be rooting for the Cubs this time around (since I don't really care about baseball any more, may as well root for the home team; it's what Harry Caray would've wanted).

•  Compete at the IBJJF Pan Ams. This is the one I think most likely to happen first, though still a ways away (as I get other shit in life sorted out). It's not actually the biggest tournament in Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu, but it's still pretty big and always the one I thought would be coolest to go to. I'd certainly love make "getting gold at Pan Ams" the bucket list item, but a lot more goes into that than just me getting there. 

• Hike Hadrian's Wall. Some friends of mine attempted this once, but the weather turned to crap on them and they had to bail. Still, it sounded like an awesome experience. Of course, this is the item least likely to happen on this list, due to the cost. But I think with the right planning, and maybe with less financial misfortune in future years, I could make it happen. I've been in love with Britain since before I even had the amazing opportunity to live there. Living there not only helped me to love it more, but to fall madly in love with its history. And while I daydream about going back there constantly, I think if I could only go back to do one thing, it would be to hike along that ancient Roman Wall. Plus I'm pretty sure I could do the hike in less than a week, even if I stop at every pub I pass along the way.

So there it is, a bucket list of the little adventures I think I could realistically pull off and enjoy by myself. And not one video game among them.

The Dating Game, Part 1/2

I don't know why I thought in any way, shape, or form, I was ready to try and date again. But for a short few days there, I did. And I setup a coffee date. Of course shortly after arranging said date I realized that was probably a mistake. But I didn't want to be an ass. She knew in five minutes I definitely wasn't ready for the dating life. Turns out six and a half years together with someone might take a little longer to get over than a couple weeks. Actually a lot more than a couple weeks, at least for me. Thankfully the woman I met was super cool and we just talked for a little bit and went our separate ways. Though it was slightly disturbing to know I could be read so easily.

 

Anyways, I know my focus needs to be me for awhile and and trying to rush into something new would be foolish. Honestly, as much as I hate the empty feeling of my house, I know I'm not ready to be with someone else, even on a casual level (though I'm willing to give Margot Robbie a pass on that). And in some ways, that sucks. For starters, in my limited experience, women tend to move on from relationships quicker than men. And there's this fear I might run into my ex somewhere with some new guy and if I've had anything more than the sight of a drink around, I might try something stupid. Which isn't even fair to the dude, he's just some guy trying to take a beautiful woman on a date. It's also not fair to her as she has every right to happiness and who the hell am I to think I have any right to get in the way of that. Not to mention doing something stupid like creating a confrontation like that is a level of stupid I'd never before in my life imagined getting to. But still, some days there's this urge...

 

More important than my idiotic urges though is the fact I'm not getting any younger. Sure, there's been no shortage of people to tell me how they once knew a guy in his late thirties that somehow met the perfect woman for him who happened to be in her mid-twenties and they went on to live happily ever after. Not to sound skeptical, but I've yet to meet any of those couples and while I don't doubt their existence, I also don't doubt that the man had a much nicer bank account than I do. I also don't have much of my late thirties left and by the time I can even remotely imagine myself being ready to date, I'll be much closer to my thirty-ninth birthday than my thirty-eighth. 

 

Now I don't demand I meet someone in their mid twenties or anywhere in their twenties to be honest. But one thing I want, something I've always wanted, is a family. And by always wanted, I mean like since I was twelve years old (before that I was more focused on being a ninja and ninjas don't have time for families). Obviously, a wife would be the most important part of that, but I think a close second in that is kids. And not to be an asshole, but I really want at least one of the kids to be my own. That's not to say I'm opposed to dating someone with kids, but I've definitely noticed a certain reluctance in women nearer to my age wanting to have any more kids (and I certainly don't blame them). So my best shot at that's ever going to happen (and in all honesty, my faith/hope has dwindled to a very small point, like some days I think it's circling the drain) is definitely someone a few years younger than me. However, the older I get, the older (and more reluctant) someone a few years younger than me gets as well.

Lastly, the dating world just looks like a fucking mess. I got on a couple of those dating apps when I thought I was already ready and I just don't know what to make of it. Like some people seem cool, but they're definitely in the minority for me. And if I happen to match with one of them and send a message, it's a short conversation. Apparently you have to have just the right way of saying hello. But I don't even think that's how I want to meet someone. Nothing against it, if it works for you, but it seems so impersonal. I love the little things about meeting someone in person and that being the first time you talked to them. Like I vividly remember meeting my ex and the moment I knew I liked her (more than physically I mean). And I really want that with the next person I'm with - those stories make for good wedding toasts or preludes to asking a woman to marry you. Or so I imagine as I've obviously never gone through either.  

Anyways, enough rambling. TL;DR: I'm definitely not anywhere near ready to date again and I'm scared to death of when I am. Also, I'm jealous of all of you with families and dating apps are meant for a different generation.

I've Been Watching Too Much "Friends" Lately

Even though I've said I'm going to try to not talk about the breakup anymore, it's kind of hard not to. We were together, more or less, for about six and a half years - that's longer than a lot of marriages I know (not talking shit, just making a point).

Last night I got too drunk for my own good. And I got angry, in the depressing way. And while I definitely think I have a right to be angry (I'm not giving details, it's between her and I, there's plenty of reality TV for everyone that wants to see some angry drama), there's better ways to handle it than I have. As in last night I unfriended her and most her family on Facebook. It was an awkwardly petty thing to do, but for some drunk reason seemed like a good idea. Anyways...

Like the title says, I've been watching the show Friends. I wasn't really able to get into it when I was younger and honestly I'm still not sure about the show. But it's the one show that somehow I can just watch and it doesn't bring up lots of sad memories of my ex.

First and foremost, I'm really enjoying looking at Jennifer Aniston - How Brad Pitt went from her to Angelina Jolie is still beyond me. But more entertaining than that is watching the show and seeing how fashion and technology have changed over the years. Like holy crap, how did we ever think what was fashionable in the 90's was actually fashionable!? I mean, it was still better than when we thought was fashionable in the 70's, but still... And the technology, holy crap; they were using beepers on this show! I'm not saying beepers don't have their place, but that place is with medical staff and special forces troops and the rest of us are so lucky to have the phones we do now.

There's also an episode in which Robin Williams and Billy Crystal make a cameo and I'm not going to lie, I teared up seeing Robin Williams on there. And there's an episode with young Ben Stiller - seeing that made me feel old. Actually, there's a lot of cameos on that show. Just like there was with ER. I thought tons of celebrity cameos in popular shows was more of a modern thing, but apparently I haven't been watching enough TV throughout my life.

Anyways, Hamlet still won't watch the show with me. Usually when I put Friends on, he leaves the living room, goes to the bedroom, and lays on the bed. I don't know if he actually doesn't like the show or he just still isn't used to the idea of it being only him and I on the couch. I'm going with the former as one way or another he's going to be stuck with the latter.