My Profession is Misery

I have a major decision to make in life. And I mean MAJOR. It's something I've been praying about. Yet, so far, no amount of prayer seems to shed any light on any of my options.
In about eight months, my time for this enlistment with the Air Force will be up. I can either reenlist or get out. If I get out, I need to figure out where I'm going to go and what I'm going to do.
There's benefits to staying in. And there's drawbacks. The same goes for getting out. Every place I could choose to move to has its own benefits and drawbacks. This is a major decision that will affect the rest of my life. And I'm completely lost.
Until very recently, I was 99% sure God was urging me to get out. But I woke up this morning with a feeling of the exact opposite. And I have a really hard time discerning between what is God's will for my life, what's my personal desire, and what's my fear getting the best of me.
I know I never really wanted to join the Air Force, but circumstances being what they were back then, it was my best option. And it certainly has been an adventure and I can't really say I regret joining at all.
But as of late, I've been pretty miserable in the Air Force. However, being honest with myself, I was miserable before joining. In fact, I have a habit of just being miserable. If I push my misery aside and examine things, I don't really have a good reason to get out. In fact, staying in would be my best option. The Air Force is my best option to achieving my personal goals. Not to say what I want and what the Air Force wants for me perfectly line up, but things are certainly better for me within than without.
I could almost kill for a definitive sign from God, something in which there could be no doubt about. Like bright neon letters in the sky saying, "Paul, do this ..." Then again, I could use that sign for almost all aspects of my life. But rarely do I ever feel such need for it as now. Or such a fear of making the wrong choice.
But then again, one of the most amazing things I've found in my relationship with God is that no matter what choice I make, He has a way of using them for the best for my life. Still, the fear of making the wrong choice haunts me.

Maybe I Can Just Fake It.

(Just a quick note to start - I apologize if this blog seems rushed or a little incoherent. It is rushed. It's near my bed time and I don't want to be up too late tonight. But I wanted to get these thoughts out before I slept them away).
In church today the pastor was speaking about how we need to trust God with our lives. And I thought to myself that I do. I mean, I'm not eager to die or anything, but when it's my time, it's my time. And I trust that God will keep me alive until it's my time.
But then something dawned on me: I may trust God without question when it comes to me remaining alive, but I don't trust him in certain aspects of my life. Mainly my happiness.
For reasons I can't explain, I don't believe God really wants me to be happy. Or to be more accurate, I don't believe he really cares if I'm happy. Or sad.
On one hand, what would it really matter if we're happy in this life. In the grand scheme of it all, this life is an immeasurable fraction of our entire being. We have an eternal happiness waiting for us when this short beginning is over, so what does it matter if we're somewhat miserable here?
On the other hand, God is not wasteful. He didn't give us emotions so that we'd never feel them. And while surely we will have times of sadness, would He not want us to be happy as well?
Anyways, that's kind of a side tangent. The point is I don't trust God in helping me to happy. And because of that lack of trust, I rely on myself to try and make me happy. Which rarely ever works and even when it does, it's not as well as I'd like.
Why is it I don't trust God in my happiness? He knows me better than I know myself, yet I can't believe that He would know better than I what would make me happy. Or maybe it's more than that. Part of me believes that the happiness the Lord has in store for me in this life has a cost attached to it that I'm not willing to pay. Or that happiness is not the happiness I seek and is therefore in some way invalid.
It's kind of funny; a few of my friends have told me that I'm afraid to be happy and it turns out they were right. Just not in the way they thought they were.
Despite popular belief, I don't want to be one of those old miserable men that just whines about what a horrible place the world is. Yet I sometimes feel that's exactly what I'm destined to be, if only because I don't trust the One that could change all that.