Maybe it's the mid-life crisis talking

I've been doing a lot of thinking over the past few days, most specifically about where I am vs where I want to be. I'm not gonna lie, there's a lot of despair in all that. A lot of wondering what is even the point of trying to change at this point in life. Not so much change who I am (though definitely some of my habits), but changing the direction I feel I'm headed in. Or at least attempting to change that. 

I wonder what the point is because I think I've talked it about changing things so much that I've become skeptical of my ability to do so. I also wonder what the point is because if I fail, I'm pretty sure I'll end up in an even more miserable position. And finally, what if I'm completely wrong about the change I think I need to make?

Oh, and I'm not trying to be vague - I mean a career change. I mean going in the direction I feel God has been telling me to go for a long time. I mean finding something that doesn't fill me with dread when my alarm goes off in the morning.

Now I won't be leaving my job any time soon, or at least I certainly don't plan to. I signed a contract last April when I got promoted to give three more years and I told my boss I was going to try and make those three years good enough to hopefully make up for all the shitty years I gave while being constantly hungover and miserable at work. 

But at the same time, I'm going to be working towards other goals. And that's going to begin with me doing something I should have done a long time ago - making an appointment with a mental health professional and seeing about the possibly getting put on ADHD meds. 

I've been diagnosed as ADHD by every mental health professional I've ever talked to for more than a few minutes. They've all said I should probably be medicated. And for a short time I was going in that direction, but then I was misinformed about the military's policy on the use of ADHD meds and not wanting to be jobless (and homeless), I avoided the use of them. Then when I learned that I could in fact be on such meds, I just needed to disclose it with the military, I decided to wait because I felt things were going fine. Then the current administration came in and the current SecDef has made it clear he wants to look into kicking people out for using nearly any mental health meds. But it doesn't look like he's going to get his way. Also, I'm just tired of waiting. 

I'm tired of feeling like I should be doing something else with my life, yet not doing it because I feel physically comfortable where I'm at and emotionally scared of being somewhere else.  

Song of the Day 

Rooms don't rearrange themselves

 One of those nights my brain feels like it's going 1000 mph, but the thoughts aren't going anywhere. I'm pacing the house looking at the things that need to be done, but unable to find where to begin. Also, it's past 10 p.m., so I'm pretty sure doing anything will annoy the neighbors. Not sure why I even care about that, I'm not particularly fond of the neighbors. But I like their cats.

I haven't done anything in over a month for my supposed future home office. Partly because I need help getting the book shelves downstairs. And partly because I don't see myself ever using it when/if it gets finished. It'll be all the way downstairs. I know me, I'm not going to walk down the stairs to do any work that can just as easily be done on my dining table. The reality is, or at least what I think in retrospect the reality is, that I started turning an old bedroom into a home office because it wasn't getting used as a gaming room and some girl I had a crush on suggested making it an office instead. 

At least as a gaming room it was a room that looked like it had a purpose. And who knows, maybe someday I'll have a friend group for inviting over for gaming...

But also, how sad is it that I still let crushes influence my decisions? I was thinking about it the other day and it feels like I should be too old for that shit, yet somehow I still let the thoughts and opinions of women I'm attracted to mean more than they should. It's weird because I know the majority of women I'll have a crush on, based on past experience, I'll only have a crush on for a short time. Yet somehow in that short time I let my interactions with them determine how I feel about my day/week/life. And even though I can recognize that's what I'm doing and that it's stupid, I can't seem to stop myself. 

Somehow my treadmill that's nearly ten years old still works, but once that thing dies, I'll have to find what to do with that room too. Not that I wouldn't want to get a new treadmill, but I think I can make room in the garage for that. I obviously won't need to worry about keeping two cars at a time in there any time soon.  

Song of the Day 

Inconceivable rant

 Woke up to the sun shining (not the rain I saw forecast when I checked before bed) and thought to myself I should do another hike today. Then I got out of bed and my legs were sorer than they'd been in awhile, as if my hike from a couple days ago waited to catch up with me. So I scratched that idea. But I also didn't go play Magic like I'd been thinking about doing last night. Mostly because it was standard format and I took apart my standard deck awhile ago after its poor performance at the last regional championship qualifier (RCQ) I did awhile ago and I haven't built a new one since. I know I need to as it's RCQ season and I wouldn't mind hitting up at least one of them, but I've been focused elsewhere.

So instead I used the day to try and relax a little, which I think overall I did OK at, but probably not as well as I could have. But when I think about it, I'm not sure I'm even capable of true relaxation. Whenever I'm sitting down just trying to unwind/rest, my brain starts thinking about everything else I could be doing. So at the beginning of my attempt to relax today, I decided to go to Costco so I wouldn't have to worry about doing that tomorrow. And then since I was up, I went across town to get other groceries.

I didn't need to go across town, but I felt I was tired of the nearby grocery store, so decided to go to one I hadn't been to in a long time. And it was quite horrible.

Then I went and got coffee at my favorite coffee shop where I always feel weird going in on the weekends. Like I should only go there during the work week, even though that's actually a preposterous way to live.

Then I decided to try out an Indian restaurant near me that I've known about for a bit, but hadn't yet given a chance. It's definitely got that hole-in-the-wall vibe that kinda had me excited, like maybe I'd be finding a place in Anchorage that was actually really good, but a well kept secret. Unfortunately that was not the case, at least not today. It wasn't so bad I won't give them a second chance, but I'm definitely not excited about going back again. 

I don't know, been in kind of a weird mood all day. I know the end of summer is coming (practically here already really, though one wouldn't know from the weather lately) and I'm equally excited yet nervous for winter. I'm hoping to do some winter hiking, but I'm also looking forward to more indoor activities. But I'm really dreading being single for the holidays. I don't know why, just means I get to buy myself more presents. But whereas last year I felt I was still in the getting over things phase, now I'm just in a stuck being single and not sure how to not be single phase. And unlike my 20's and early 30's, there's not much hope for leaving that phase. 

Song of the Day 

Commander Night at Bosco's, 9/4/2026

I was a in foul mood today (been happening to me a lot of days lately) and almost didn't go to play Magic tonight. Mostly because I'm a bit mad at my LGS. In fact I'm mad at all the LGSs around me, but that's a story for another time. Nonetheless, I once again told myself I have way too many cards to not go play at least every once in awhile when I have the opportunity. And once again, I'm glad I just got up and did it.

It would probably bore 99% of the potential readers of this blog if I were to go into detail about the night's games. But I don't want to deprive the imaginary 1% of a good read.

I was playing the Avengers Assemble pre-con, no changes. I've never played it before and my only time even looking at any of the cards in the deck is when I was sleeving it up. But I'd heard good things about it and figured I may as well give it a go.

In my first pod, one guy was playing a spider-man themed deck that was only blue and white colors. Another guy was playing the World Shaper pre-con with one change. And the other guy was playing an enchantment matters deck he made. This first round started off slow and I was sure the World Shaper guy was going to dominate, but funny enough he was struggling to get land. And by the time he did, the enchantment matters deck had pulled pretty far ahead. And enchantment matters guy would go on to win and I'm pretty sure I had no chance of keeping that from happening.

The second pod was just the three reaming players from the first pod while the winner went on to another bracket. In this pod, the spider man player struggled to get much of anything going while the world shaper kid was in prime position to when it all. However, he decided to take it a little easier on me for whatever reason and focus some efforts on the spider man kid, which allowed me to pull a board wipe at the perfect time and remove all his creatures and swing in with my remaining creature and finish him off. It's not often I get to win a round at commander night, so it felt nice. I even decided to stick around for round 3, this being the first time I'd ever done so as I usually leave after round 2 regardless of how I'm doing.

Round 3 was a full pod again, though the world shaper guy and I got placed together again. One of the other guys was playing a deck based around making defenders into attackers and doing damage equal to their toughness. The other guy had a bear themed deck. This match was much more exciting to me and it felt like anyone had the chance to win at any time. And somehow, I ended up winning. I say "somehow" but what I really mean is the other three were trying to disrupt each other and weakening one another's positions and then suddenly we were out of time and since I was the only one with a decent board state left, they allowed me to attack and no one blocked so we could have a definitive winner instead of just a draw. Which was cool of them all and something I've done the same of before and probably will again.

Anyways, was a pretty good night all considered. There's a regional championship tomorrow that I half considered going to, but it's standard format and I don't have a standard deck built at the moment. Nor do I see myself getting one built in the next 12 hours. Maybe next weekend...

Song of the Day 

Baldy, Hamlet's favorite hike

 OK, I don't know if Hamlet really has a favorite hike, but if I had to say he did, it would be Baldy. I say that because the minute he realizes I've turned onto the road to go to the trailhead, he starts whining for me to hurry up and get us there. For any other hike, including those he's done many times, it takes him a lot longer to realize that's where we're headed. Which makes me think to some degree he's figured out this one hike over all the others.

Anyways, while it's not actually a tradition for me to take Hamlet up Baldy on Labor Day weekend, I've decided this year to claim it is. However, I had to take him up a couple days early due to an inconsistent and iffy weather forecast. Here's the pics from the day.

This little pond is formed by an artesian well and while Hamlet seemingly loves all natural bodies of water (but hates getting baths), I feel much like the Baldy hike, this pond is his favorite.

Song of the Day

F is for fuck my life

No matter how I try to write about my day, I come across as an asshole. I come across as a selfish asshole that values my time over the well being of others, most notably family. And I grew in a culture where "family comes first," which as I get older I think is just something Americans like to say because they know they're going to treat some of their family like shit and they want zero accountability for it. Regardless, family ruined my plans for the day and while I wouldn't say it was the kind of day that made me think I should start drinking again, it certainly made me wish I had never quit. 

To summarize my day, while driving home from all the BS, the car in front of me kicked up a small rock that put a nice new chip in my windshield.  Which is always a hazard up here and I'm sure I'll get over it, but it sure as hell pissed me off when it happened (especially as this chip is pretty front and center of the windshield) and it's going to take quite awhile before the chip's presence becomes normal to me.

Song of the Day 

Peak 3 threepeat

The sun was shining and there was still a little snow on the mountains, so rather than use the day for something productive like homework or even housework, I decided to go hiking. I'd like to say it was mainly for Hamlet's benefit since he's been cooped up the past couple days, but it's been like a week since I've gotten into the mountains and I needed it just as much, if not more than, he did.

Anyways, I've written about Peak 3 before and there really isn't much to add. I did try a different route down this time and it turned out to be a lot steeper than I was anticipating. I think in the future I'll maybe use an alternate route up if I want to make the ascent a little more of a work out, but in the interest of keeping my knees working as long as possible, I'm going to stick to the main route coming down. 

Here's a few pics from today...

 

Song of the Day

A rather boring day

Woke up a little late. Not that late, but later than intended.

Saw that there was some snow on the mountains and decided to cancel whatever plans I only half had anyways so I could hike and let Hamlet play in the snow. Then I noticed it was also a bit colder than I thought and a lot windier, so I canceled the new plans and went back to the half plans. 

Decided I was going to stick with my original plan of taking the whole week off from work. 

Took me way too long to get ready to get out of the house, but since I decided I'm not going to go into work at all this week, it's not like I needed to be in a rush anyways. 

Visited my uncle in the hospital. I hate hospitals (mostly cause they stink). 

Went to my favorite coffee shop and got my regular order. Maybe tomorrow I'll switch it up on them, though I'd probably feel bad as they've gotten used to my normal order that many times they have it ready for me before I even get to the register.

Went to the base to buy some groceries. I hate going on base when I'm not going to work, but when buying anything more than just a couple grocery items, the commissary is much cheaper than off base alternatives. Plus I want to see if the BX got any new Magic product in. They hadn't. Or if they had it's all sold out already (very possible).

Went to a local gaming store. Spent more than I told myself I was going to, but less than I honestly expected myself to.

Went to another gaming store. Wasn't planning on buying anything as I tend to hate this store, but they had a deck box I hadn't seen anywhere else and I wanted it. 

Went to my brother's house to check on his cats while he's out of town. The older cat is going blind and kept bumping into things as he tried to follow me around. It was kinda sad, but also kinda funny. 

Remembered reading the Best Buy is having a sale on some Magic items so I swung by there. They were all sold out already of the things I was hoping to grab.

Went to yet another gaming store. Bought a few cards, but left there without remembering to look for the very thing that I'd said out to find at the first gaming store (a very specific card storage box). 

Came home and watched Chapelle's Show. Laughed at a lot of it and cringed at a little bit as well. They weren't simpler times, they were just different in a way that's much more familiar than the present. 

Stared at my computer to wonder what I should write about.

Song of the Day 

Perpetual adolescent angst

 I hate having a crush on someone. Like a big crush. I hate the mood swings that can come from simply receiving a text vs being left on read. I hate daydreaming my time with them because I know the them I'm daydreaming isn't the real them. It's a fictional version of them I've based on what little I know about them and my imagination fills in the rest in such a way as to make them perfect. Even, or especially, in the their imperfections. I hate how caught up in someone else I can feel that I lose focus on whatever I was focused on before them.

And I try so hard to get that old focus back, especially when I know the crush has zero chance of turning into anything real. But the harder I try to get that old focus back, the more it eludes me. I hate being in my mid-40s and emotionally feeling like a teenager. Maybe it wouldn't be so bad if it gave me back that youthful vigor where I could sleep four hours a night and feel fine the next day, but that's definitely not the case. I hate that things I thought I'd have figured out in my 20s and was sure would be taken care of in my 30s are still problems for me in my 40s. 

I hate the seemingly unending cycle of hopefulness into despair into hopefulness into despair and so on. I hate that the only way I think I can possibly break it at this point is to settle for someone I don't really want to be with. Even then it wouldn't go away, I'd just be faking it cause that's what you're supposed to do. 

Paradoxically, I hate it when I don't have a big crush on someone. I wonder what the hell I'm doing with myself. As though my sole purpose in life is being infatuated with someone. 

I don't know who to blame for all this. My parents? Doubtful. Disney? Possibly. Youth group? Even more possible than Disney. Or maybe it's all from my own inability to grow up at the moments I should have and take chances when they really mattered.  

Song of the Day 

Liquid codependency

I had written quite a bit, but I think I'm just gonna TL;DR it and maybe some other day expand upon it.

There's a certain irony in life that I never would have gotten back together with my ex when I did had I not started drinking again. And I never would've been able to get sober for good without her help. 

And of course, maybe I don't stay sober for good. Maybe tomorrow I wake up and say fuck all this and head straight to the liquor store, some days just be like that. But my ability to get sober in the first place when I did would not have happened without her help and support. Yet had I just stayed sober after my sober 2020 experiment, I'm doubtful her and I ever would've gotten back together. 

Song of the Day 

Modest Mouse, 2nd time around

 The first time I saw Modest Mouse was ten years ago when they played at Moose's Tooth. In all fairness, I went to the show in a rather unpleasant mood and drank way more than I should have in order to properly enjoy a show. That said, it was a rather lackluster show and I remember leaving feeling disappointed. They were, and still are, one of my top five favorite bands of all time and seeing a show in which it didn't seem to me that they didn't want to be there was a big letdown. So I was initially hesitant to buy tickets for this show at the Alaska state fair. 

I'm so glad I decided to take a chance anyways. This show was easily one of the best concerts I've been to. This was almost like a completely different band. 

 They did a nearly two hour set and played songs from nearly every album they've released. Isaac Brock seemed to be honestly enjoying himself. Many of the songs they played seemed like slightly different versions than what was done in the studio - and while that may just be do to the band lineup changing, it's still something that I always think is a nice treat for live shows. There was good crowd engagement. 

I don't know, I feel like I could go on and on about the show, but doing so what be a lot of repetitive praise. I'm just glad I went. 10/10 show and given the chance, I wouldn't hesitate to go see them again.

Song of the Day