Zone defense

 A long, long time ago, I had a crush on a girl and she put me in the "friendzone." (Sadly not the first time this happened) I stayed in that zone and bitched to anyone foolish enough to ask me "what's up?" I lamented life and cursed love because of my unrequited feelings. All the while, I kept hanging out with this girl every chance I got, believing one day I would do or say the right thing that would get her to realize she actually did feel the same way about me and then we'd both live happily ever after. 

Unfortunately, when her and I weren't hanging out, I was imagining us hanging out. And in those imagined scenarios, that's when I was able to say and do the right thing to change how she saw me. Those constant daydreams would consume way too much of my time. And since I was in control of how the daydreams went, she was always the perfect woman for me. Even when I tried to imagine her as true to who she was as I knew her, my subconscious was filling in the spots I didn't know about with qualities that would make her seem perfect. 

The more time I spent in these daydreams, the more I came to conflate the her I was making up with who she really was. So that when the real life version of her did or said something that didn't match up with my imagined version of her, I'd be mad and/or sad. I'm not just talking about things between her and I either, but really inconsequential things. For instance, one evening we were hanging out and she said she had to be home sooner than normal for the start of a new season of a show she liked. When she told me the show, I was absolutely incredulous. The version of her I knew in my head would never watch something so stupid, yet here was the real her saying she enjoyed the show. 

I took her home and asked if I could watch with her, thinking maybe it would be something we'd share a new bond over. I hated it, but I pretended not to. Somewhere in the back of my mind was a new daydream forming where she would fall in love with me simply for the time we spent together watching this show. 

Obviously, things between her and I never went beyond being friends. And it would be all too many years before I'd be able to look back upon those times and see how foolish I was. Even now I cringe at a lot of what I said and did. Somehow, we're still friends and talk on occasion. We've even talked about some of my dumb antics back then, which I've apologized over more times than I can count at this point. Each time she laughs it off and says it's fine, but that rarely helps me to feel better about any of it. 

But I guess if there's any upside to it, it's that I finally (at least to some degree) realized that when I have a crush on someone, it's best to avoid daydreaming myself with them. 

Song of the Day 

Three day weekends should be the standard

 

I know this is a first world problem, but it's also something I think should be applied to the general working public the whole world over. I'm tired of getting to Sunday night and feeling like I either haven't gotten the rest I need, didn't get things done I needed to get done, and/or didn't get any time for my hobbies. 

And I know there's bootlickers out there that'll say you can knock multiple things out in one day, but it's crazy to me that the common person is expected to run errands, do housework, catch up on TV, and indulge in whatever hobbies they may have all in the span of 48 hours. We should be given a day for rest, a day for taking care of what we need to take care of, and a day for doing whatever the hell we want. How people with kids manage to get anything done for themselves is beyond me. I'm assuming most of them don't and that's why so many of them seem so miserable most the time.

My ideal weekend - 

Day 1: Rest. I want to do nothing by sleep in and then sit on the couch and eat junk food. Maybe I'll go out to eat somewhere since I'm definitely not in the mood to cook. But running errands that involve me dealing with crowds is out of the question.

Day 2: Get thins done. Errands, meal prepping, housework - it all happens here. 

Day 3: Me time. Which for me would be either hiking or gaming. Not video games as those are more of a rest activity for me, but social gaming. Most likely Magic, but I like board games too. And maybe if I had an extra day out of the week in which I didn't have to work, I could get back into Dungeons & Dragons. 

Of course, the order of these days isn't set in stone, but I imagine this is how I would prefer to do it. Yesterday, I slept in and ran errands. Today I slept in and did some work around the house (I'm beginning to hate folding laundry as much as the rest the world it seems) and am now meal prepping for the work week. So I got to do the resting thing and the personal productivity thing. But there was no me time. In order to get me time in, I would likely have had to sacrifice meal prepping. Or I would have to sacrifice rest in order to stay up too late meal prepping. Regardless, I'm going to go back to work feeling like I didn't get a complete weekend. 

Again, I know this is truly a first world problem. I know there are people in this world (even in American these days sadly) working every day of the week and not by choice. And again, I feel it's bullshit for anyone to be working so much. I think we have the knowhow and technology that we could make the four day work week the standard the world over and humanity would move on just fine. But I'm no oligarch, so the only thing I can really do about it is whine like most people. 

Song of the Day 

Meh, Bleh, and Eh?

I don't really have it in me tonight. I spent much of the day driving around Anchorage pretty much aimlessly. I had homework to do, but I just didn't want to be home. And I didn't feel like hiking cause even though it was sunny in Anchorage, all the mountain tops were covered in clouds. 

I knocked out most the weekend errands I needed to do so I can at stay home tomorrow should I want to. Though I get the feeling I'll want to escape the house again.

I went to Fred Meyer and looked at Halloween decorations. And then I got sad. I don't miss my ex that much, but getting ready for Halloween together was always fun. And then I laughed at the absurdity of feeling sentimental about my ex while I was in Fred Meyer - before we broke up I used to make excuses to go to the store just to be away from her for a little bit. 

I would walk around the furniture and home decor sections of the store daydreaming how I'd change the house when we broke up. Which is absurd because there was, and is, no way I'd buy furniture from Fred Meyer. Well, not any furniture I intend to sit or sleep upon; I have bought some bookshelves from there. 

And then I passed by Turnagain Brewing on the way home - one of my favorite places. And I thought of how great it would be to go in and have a beer. But not just one beer, I'd have my limit there and go to the liquor store nearby and get a bunch more beer and get absolutely tanked tonight and worry about my real life tomorrow. But the thought was short lived as I drove by. I'm not saying it doesn't, to some extent, still sound great. But I know I wouldn't get to my real life tomorrow then. Not sure I'd ever get back to it again if I ever make that decision.

So I finally went home, did homework, and now I stare at bare walls while my dog whines for me to go to bed. 

Song of the Day 

None of this would matter if I could just meet and marry a rich woman

 I might die tomorrow. I don't mean that I think I'll die tomorrow, just that I might. In the same way that any of us might because the possibility of death exists for any and all of us and any given moment. Obviously some moments are more likely than others, but there's never a 0% chance of dying for anyone. At least not so far as I know.

And if tomorrow, something should happen that would bring about my death, but that death isn't instantaneous and instead I get a few minutes to think about my life before succumbing to whatever it is that's killing me, I'm gonna spend those moments very likely regretting a few things. And one of those big regrets will likely be whatever available credit remains on my credit cards. 

I know when a person dies that creditors get to go after the estate to collect what they're owed. My estate should have more than enough to cover that. Not a lot more, but banks should get what they're owed. And since I don't have a wife or kids to worry about being taken care of when I pass, there's really no point in worrying about there being enough money for anyone. I also don't have to worry about anyone else taking on whatever debt I leave behind. At worst, my house that is currently set to go to next of kin by default would instead have to be sold to pay remaining debt. 

So I'm pretty sure if I tomorrow I was hit by a car but had a few minutes of laying in the middle of the road dying, I'd be a bit peeved about not using my credit cards to have more a little more fun in life (most notably doing more traveling and buying more Magic cards). 

On the other hand, I may not die tomorrow. I might even go on to live for a few more decades. And credit card debt is quite the burden to keep around. I should know, I'm still paying on some from long ago, as well as paying on a little more from some other somewhat recent ("recent" meaning within the last couple years) bad financial decisions. I often like to think I'm not as bad with credit cards as I once was, but I'm still far from good.

And who knows, maybe someday I do find a woman that I click with well enough for us to get married. I'm OK with taking a little debt into marriage, but I certainly wouldn't want it to be at the amount I have now.  So I have to think, if I'm laying there not dying, do I really want to add to my debt for some temporary fun when that might end up creating a road block in a relationship in the future.

But even if marriage never happens, do I want to grow old counting pennies (or I guess nickels at this point) because I'm still paying off debt from years/decades ago? Do I want to get to a point where I'm constantly cycling between which credit card to use for emergencies because there's no money in my bank account and as an old person I undoubtedly have to go to the hospital a lot (even if it's only to hold up the pharmacy line)?

The above arguments literally happen in my head damn near daily. When I was drinking, the bad money decisions won out more often than not. I guess fortunately since getting sober I don't reach for the credit cards nearly as often. But even sober, there's the thought that I could die tomorrow and I should be allowing myself more fun now because of that. 

Song of the Day

What to write about...

 First off, my primary (sole?) reason for writing in/on this thing is that I'm trying to see if I can make a real habit of writing (nearly) daily. I know I could use a journal for that (and sometimes I do also write in a journal), but for some reason this feels like a way of making myself more accountable for the writing. Even though no one reads this anyways. 

Often, I find myself throughout the day thinking of what to write about later. Like I'll go get coffee and something at the coffee shop will catch my eye and I think to myself "I bet I could go a blog post about that." And this often happens multiple times a day. And then on the drive home from work, when I'm not yelling at other drivers, I like to compose in my head what I think I'll write about as soon as I get the chance. 

And then I get home, open the laptop, and my mind goes blank. Or, as is often the case these days, the exhaustion form work sets in and all I want to do is lay down. I've gotten to the point in life I don't even care to play video games after work; I just want to zone out and relax. But I tell myself I need to write, because that's how I'm going to build a habit out of doing so. And I just stare and stare at the screen until something comes to me that I can at least form a few semi-comprehensible sentences about. And that's rarely whatever it is I originally thought I'd be writing about. 

So anyways, here are some of the many things I've thought about writing about and hope to one day...

- Driving home from work at 11 pm at night (it gets interesting sometimes)

- The greatest "alternative" rock album of the 90's (Smashing Pumpkins - Siamese Dream)

- The greatest "alternative" rock song - (Live - Lightning Crashes)

- Some of my cringiest memories (the ones I can look back upon and laugh about, not the ones that still keep me awake some nights)

- Some thoughts about the current presidential administration ([redacted])

- Some thoughts on American capitalism (it's not for everyone)

- Some thoughts on American Christianity (I don't think Jesus approves) 

- Lots of thoughts on gaming (especially, but not limited to, Magic)

- Plans for world domination/destruction (I'm way behind on both)

- A girl named Angel (or perhaps it was Angelica, but I'm pretty certain it wasn't Angela)

So yeah, plenty to write about. It's just getting the time in which I have to write about these things to meet with the time in which I want to write about these things that's the issue.  

Song of the Day 

Seventy-Two pages

That's how many pages I have to read for my historiography class this week. The first week, it was like 15 pages. Then like 20 pages for the second week. I thought things would keep scaling in similar fashion. But no, it's 72 pages this week. 

I know that's not a lot for some people. Heck, if it were 72 pages of Dungeon Crawler Carl, I'd probably be done already. But it's 72 pages of very specific history written by an historian that writes in the typical way of historians. It's not even that I don't like the subject - the treatment of slave women in urban settings of the Caribbean in the late 1700s - it's just how it's written. 

I know I could feed it into AI and get a summary back and do the assigned work from that; I don't doubt that's what some of my classmates are doing. But just not how I want to do things. For starters, I actually learning history, even some of the more horrible things that have happened. And I know only by taking in as much of it as I can do I have any chance of remembering any of it. But also I know people that started using AI to help them out with school stuff and now it's like they're completely dependent on it; I don't want to get to that point.

I'm just venting. I read the intro tonight and started with the first chapter and it's such a struggle to keep my focus for it. I want to be reading other stuff (like Dungeon Crawler Carl), but for awhile it's going to be these history texts and that makes the next 14 weeks look rather dreadful. 

I know, I need to just focus and get through it and then I'll be that much closer to being done. And then I can really wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.

Song of the Day 

Maybe someday eventually

Nothing much to write about. First day back to work in over two weeks. It was simultaneously worse and better than I expected. 

I did call a doctor's office to make an appointment today. Just for an annual physical (which I haven't done in a few years), but I figure I should start there before moving on to anything else. And it felt good, it felt like a step in the right direction. The problem for me though is that I'm inpatient and whenever I make a step in the right direction, it's not long before I find myself frustrated that everything else hasn't already magically fallen into place for me.  

 I've never been good with time management. Like I've always felt like I'm in a rush to get through things and as soon as I realize I can't rush them, I abandon them. But I think that habit of mine has gotten even worse as I've gotten older. And now it feels like if I can't rush something, it's not worth my time because I'm not sure how much time is remaining, so if I'm going to make any goals, they need to be obtainable quickly. 

And I really need to learn to slow down a bit. Not so much "enjoy the process" but at least accept the process.  

 Song of the Day 

Maybe it's the mid-life crisis talking

I've been doing a lot of thinking over the past few days, most specifically about where I am vs where I want to be. I'm not gonna lie, there's a lot of despair in all that. A lot of wondering what is even the point of trying to change at this point in life. Not so much change who I am (though definitely some of my habits), but changing the direction I feel I'm headed in. Or at least attempting to change that. 

I wonder what the point is because I think I've talked it about changing things so much that I've become skeptical of my ability to do so. I also wonder what the point is because if I fail, I'm pretty sure I'll end up in an even more miserable position. And finally, what if I'm completely wrong about the change I think I need to make?

Oh, and I'm not trying to be vague - I mean a career change. I mean going in the direction I feel God has been telling me to go for a long time. I mean finding something that doesn't fill me with dread when my alarm goes off in the morning.

Now I won't be leaving my job any time soon, or at least I certainly don't plan to. I signed a contract last April when I got promoted to give three more years and I told my boss I was going to try and make those three years good enough to hopefully make up for all the shitty years I gave while being constantly hungover and miserable at work. 

But at the same time, I'm going to be working towards other goals. And that's going to begin with me doing something I should have done a long time ago - making an appointment with a mental health professional and seeing about the possibly getting put on ADHD meds. 

I've been diagnosed as ADHD by every mental health professional I've ever talked to for more than a few minutes. They've all said I should probably be medicated. And for a short time I was going in that direction, but then I was misinformed about the military's policy on the use of ADHD meds and not wanting to be jobless (and homeless), I avoided the use of them. Then when I learned that I could in fact be on such meds, I just needed to disclose it with the military, I decided to wait because I felt things were going fine. Then the current administration came in and the current SecDef has made it clear he wants to look into kicking people out for using nearly any mental health meds. But it doesn't look like he's going to get his way. Also, I'm just tired of waiting. 

I'm tired of feeling like I should be doing something else with my life, yet not doing it because I feel physically comfortable where I'm at and emotionally scared of being somewhere else.  

Song of the Day