Baseball is boring

 I honestly don't get the appeal. And when I tell people, they say something like, "yeah, it's boring on TV, but you gotta go to an actual game and then it's not boring." No. It's boring as a sport. There's next to no strategy involved. Maybe you swap a pitcher out vs a certain batter and have your in field back up by about ten feet or so when you're up by only one run and they have a runner on first and their hitter known for hitting line drives is up. That's it, that's the extent of strategy in baseball. And I nearly fell asleep writing that sentence.

It makes sense it's America's game though. Billions of dollars exchanged for a subpar experience in which men that look like everyday average joes are considered elite athletes. The major test of skill is between two men, but eight other men get credit for it. And the manager is a completely unneeded position, yet we keep it there because we just don't know what else to do with the guy that occupies it. 

If major league baseball went away tomorrow, I would never know it went away. Even though that means missing out on an item on my bucket list! That's just how boring it is. 

Anyways, I'd like to thank the TV show Seinfeld for teaching me all there is to know about baseball. Go cubs!

Song of the Day 

You just breathe that moment down

I don't often think about the night my exgf and I broke up. I remember it feeling awkward and surreal. I can't even remember the reason I told her I didn't want to be together anymore; I just remember it wasn't the real reason. It was a reason that seemed to work in the moment. 

A bit later, she assumed it was a different reason than what I said and let me know what she thought the reason was and that she understood. She was wrong as to what she thought the reason was, but I didn't correct her. At the time, she was still living with me as she got her things sorted for moving out. And I was just too frustrated and tired to even want to have a conversation about it. Also, as it often goes when it comes to such moments in life, I was a coward.

A good while after she moved out, I sat down to write her a letter explaining the real reasoning and to make excuses as to why I didn't tell her at the time. 

The funny thing (but not ha-ha funny) that sometimes happens when I'm writing out my thoughts is I suddenly gain insight into a truth I've been avoiding. I began to write to her that one of the big reasons I didn't speak up when I should have is that I was scared she'd try to talk me into giving us another shot and I wouldn't be able to say no. But the truth wasn't that I was scared that's what she would do, I was scared that's something she wouldn't do. And once she didn't, she'd prove true that fear I've always held deep down that I'm not lovable.

I don't know the reasoning behind this, I don't really often dwell on it. I mean, until I started writing that letter, I'd forgotten it was there. I'm sure there's some psychologists out there that would say it's due to a damaged relationship with my mom and others that would say it's born out of rejection in my earliest attempts at romance. Undoubtedly some might say it's because I listened to too much Marilyn Manson in high school (which is what I like to assume the reasoning is). I don't know if it even matters anymore. 

The other (not ha-ha) funny part about is that every time I tried to bring this up with my therapist, I just couldn't. I think that's partially due to having that feeling my time with her probably wasn't far from ending (which I was write about). And part of it was just assuming she wasn't really listening to much of what I had to say at that point anyways. Or maybe I wasn't listening to much of what she was saying and I was just projecting about it. Regardless, even though it was something I thought maybe I should address with a professional, it didn't happen. Who knows, maybe one of these days I'll seek out a new therapist and bring it up with them. 

Song of the Day 

Realigning part-time priorities

 Another UTA weekend has come to an end and much like last UTA weekend, I'm too spent/drained to take care of my usual pre-work week activities.

Laundry? Not likely.

House work? Not gonna happen.

Some reading? I'm not even gonna pull a book out.

Meal prepping? Not a chance.

It's frustrating. UTA weekends have always been annoying, but it's only been recently they've begun to feel almost soul-crushing. I don't know if it's the increased responsibility of promotion, my age, news coming from the most incompetent administration in US history, or having to miss out on nice summer days we've had this year. Maybe some combination of all the above.

Regardless, I'm realizing I may have to start approaching these weekends differently. In the past, I often viewed these weekends just as busy weekends in which I'd go to work, but I'd still also get other stuff done. It may be time to forget that other stuff. Than when I'm not at work, I'm resting and just focusing on trying to recharge. Even if that means spending money on my lunches for the week and having to play catch up on laundry next weekend.

On the plus side, I did manage to muster the energy to take Hamlet on a walk after work today. Got like eight mosquito bites during it, but he needed the time outside with being stuck by himself most the weekend.  

Song of the Day 

Today sucked

Through no fault of my own (which is rare), today was just a shit day. Nothing crazy bad happened, it was just dumb little thing after dumb little thing. And I couldn't do much about any of them. Or at least I couldn't do anything to alleviate things from sucking; I'm sure I could've done something to make them even worse. 

There's no real point of going into detail, so I won't. Most of it was work related (and boring) anyways. Instead, I'm going to focus on the silver lining of the day. And that's the Cubs beating the Yankees. Not that I really care much about baseball, but I had a bet riding on the game and now someone I know owes me some Mexican food. And as much as I love good Mexican food, I love it even more when someone else is paying for it. 

Song of the Day 

Possibly probably the #1 lie I tell myself

I normally work swing shift (3 pm - 11 pm) and that works pretty well with my natural sleep cycle. Unfortunately, every now and then I have to work day shift, which is 7 am - 3 pm. And I feel like it damn near kills me every time. 

Most notably because it gives me this habit, that I had even back in the days I worked day shift as my regular shift, of getting home and telling myself I'm just going to lay down for a few minutes while I try to figure out how I want to go about what I want to do with my evening. Sometimes, albeit rarely, that works. I catnap for about 15 minutes and then I'm up and doing things. Most the time though, it backfires and creates a seemingly endless cycle of bad sleep patterns and low productivity.

If I'm lucky, like today, I'll wake up around 6 pm and still have time to get something done (though rarely what I'd originally been hoping to do for the evening).  Sometimes I don't wake up til 8 or 9 pm. Those evenings I try to immediately fall back asleep, but it rarely happens. Usually, regardless of waking at 6 pm or 9 pm, I'm up until nearly 1 am or later, hoping that the few hours of sleep I get on that side of the evening will be enough to carry me through the next work day and leave me with the energy to lie to not myself about resting "just for a few minutes" after work the next day.

At this point, I'm just hoping to make it through this UTA weekend relatively unharmed. Then on Monday I'll be back to my normal work schedule and I can focus on whining about other things besides (lack of) sleep. 

Song of the Day 

Sometimes I hate it when I'm right

Last night, if I had to guesstimate, I got about five minutes of sleep.

The only reason I know I got any sleep at all is because I had a very vivid dream in which we went in World War III and the current government's plan for us to win was to use AI controlled robots that constantly patrolled US city streets making sure everyone they came across was a US citizen. All suspected non-citizens were immediately beaten and arrested. And the government assured is this was the way to win the war as bombs were being dropped on US soil and most people just went along with it. Thankfully, that was just a dream and something like that would never happen with this government, right? (RIGHT!?)

Anyways, got home from work today and immediately passed out for like four hours. Then woke up and thought about the days I sometimes did that as a drinker and I'd be bummed at myself for missing out on so much possible drinking time. Sometimes I'd pound a few as quick as I could to make up for it and sometimes I'd choose just to stay sober for the night so I could prove to myself I wasn't an alcoholic. (Which ironically is one of the signs a person might be an alcoholic).

Sad news I saw online while struggling to sleep last night - Glen Hansard died in a motorcycle crash. He wasn't necessarily a super influential musician for me, but The Frames and some of his solo work hold a special place in my heart that's associated with my time living in England. I also always thought he was the perfect style act for concerts at Bear Tooth. 

Today's song of the day is one of the first The Frames' songs I remember listening to quite a bit while driving around the English countryside by myself and contemplating what was to come of life.

Song of the Day 

I dream of being able to dream more

 I don't know how people are able to lay there head down at night and just fall asleep. Like no matter how tired I am, the moment my head hits the pillow, I'm gonna need about 30 minutes (minimum) of thinking about pointless stuff while trying to get comfortable before I can fall asleep. I'm seriously jealous of people that are able to lay down and just be asleep, often no matter the circumstance. 

Like people that can just sleep on planes. It's seriously mind boggling to me. They always look like they're sleeping in a position that can't be good for their neck, but it doesn't matter to them. They're snoring away, often with their mouth wide open, and I'm usually struggling to even keep my eyes shut - despite often not sleeping the night before I fly! 

I say all this because while I normally work evenings (which is much better for my natural circadian rhythm), then next four days I'll be working day shift. And I know that even though I'm tired, when I lay down in a little bit, it's going to take me a while to fall asleep. Like I'll be lucky if I get more than two hours of sleep tonight. And I don't doubt that somewhere out there is someone in a similar position to me. Except they're asleep already as though switching around their sleep schedule while the world continues to get worse with each passing news cycle is all no big deal. 

Song of the Day