It's not delivery, it's depression

 

This is my sad single meal. There's some rice down there, some store brand shredded lettuce, and store brand pre-made pork carnitas meat. I call it my sad-single meal because I only have it when I fail to plan for my dinner properly or my plans fail. 

Tonight, it was the latter. My plan had been to go to a burger place right off base during my lunch. They make good burgers and great milk shakes. It was the milk shake I was really looking forward to, but I knew I'd want food too. However, just a couple hours into my shift, it looked like we were gonna be done early today. So I decided to skip lunch thinking I could just grab the burger and shake on the way home. We did not leave work early and I did not go grab a burger on the way home. Instead I had to go by Fred Meyer and get the stuff for this. It's quick, it's easy, and it goes well with an awkward silence.

It's also the kind of meal that when I finish, I kind of but not fully hate myself for eating. Like there's got to be so many better options, yet out of pure convenience I settled for that one. It's also the kind of meal that tends to get me thinking about mistakes made and wondering where I'd be had I never made them. Or maybe if I'd just made them at a different time.

I know I had a lot of cheap and easy meals back when I was drinking, but I didn't have this one. Pretty sure if I did it would've been my go-to drunk meal (not counting when I just ordered delivery, which was my favorite drinking meal). 

Song of the Day 

Not tragedy or comedy, but simply teenage melodrama

 (Note: The following is a story from my high school years. A cringy story at that. And being that the incidents in this story took place 30 years ago, my memories of them will not be perfect. Not only does age change what we remember, but how we remember. That said, I'm going to do my best to tell this story as it actually happened, all from my point of view of course).

Her name, for the purpose of this story, was Dee and she was instantly the most beautiful girl I'd ever laid eyes upon when I met her my junior year. Immediately, without knowing anything about her but how she looked, I was in love. Literally thought I could die for her if the situation should call for it.  

I don't know how long it took. I don't even remember how I got the nerve to talk to her. But eventually we talked and she gave me her phone number so we could talk more. And talk more we did! I don't think it was daily, but it was pretty close. Sometimes we talked for about fifteen minutes, sometimes for a couple hours. Of course, to this day, I have no idea what we talked about other than one conversation about country music (which she loved and I tried to convince myself I enjoyed because that gave us something to talk about). 

For all the talking we were doing, the relationship was going nowhere beyond friendship. And I told myself I was OK with this. Years of going to religious summer camps where young teens were given advice about adult romance taught me that all the best romantic relationships began as good friendships - I just had to wait. Beyond that, I was almost certain our future together was a sure thing. If she didn't have some sort of crush on me, why would she spend so much time on the phone with me? I was also a little forgiving because I figured it would be hard for her to have feelings for me since she was the preppy cheerleader and I was a goth loner (I was actually more of a nerdy loser, but I liked to imagine I was a goth loner type who could be a preppy jock type if I really wanted to). 

I don't remember if it was late junior year or early my first senior year (either way, I do remember we didn't talk much over summer), but somewhere in that time frame a friend of hers told me I needed to quit calling her. They said she didn't like it and half the time she was just setting the phone down while I talked and then she'd pick it up a few minutes later to see if I was still there (I almost always was). And then whenever her and I were done talking, she'd just call her friends to make fun of me for being pathetic and tell them I was essentially stalking her. I'm not sure what I said to the friend, but I remember thinking there was no way the Dee I knew would be that kind of person and this friend must be jealous for whatever reason. 

That evening I did what any sensible teenage boy would do, I called Dee and asked her if there was any truth to what her friend said. She said no, mostly. It turns out she felt I called too much and she was busy so maybe I could not call so often. I agreed. I'm pretty sure I tried to play it off like I was really busy too and was planning on not calling so much as it was. But as soon as I got off the phone, I was devastated. The girl I was sure I was destined to marry didn't even want to talk to me anymore.

I did cut back how often I called, at least for a bit. Honestly, at this point in my life I'm not sure how much longer she and I continued talking for. I'm pretty sure I wasn't talking to her at all once I started my second senior year of high school. I don't think I was really talking to anyone - I was too embarrassed about not graduating on time to want to even look at anyone. 

Funny how I can remember Dee's entrance into my life like it was some pivotal moment that changed the course of my future, but her exit is a blur of a picture I could care less about making any clearer. Such is life I guess.

I wouldn't be until a few years after all that before I did any real looking back upon that time. I don't think I was even looking back upon that time to replay that whole situation with Dee, I was more or less just trying to analyze how much I thought I'd changed since high school. But that "friendship" did have a notable realization for me. All those conversations, all that time I thought her and I were really getting to know one another, were ninety percent me talking. I let her short replies mean so much more than they really did because in my head, I'd built her into someone she definitely wasn't. I was pining for someone that wasn't real and refusing to see the signs that were right there in front of me. It would not be the last time I made such a mistake either.

Anyways, I tell this story from my past because part of it has some serious relevance to my present. Which I actually do plan on writing about before long, but definitely not tonight - it's past time for bed and I'm actually tired at bed time for once.

Song of the Day 

No time for writing tonight

 But I'm gonna do a little bit anyways. Mostly because I'm procrastinating from studying for a test I have in the morning. Which the professor says the test isn't that big of a deal but also it's a significant portion of our grade. But she's often confusing like that. Thankfully, that's offset by the general awkwardness of being the oldest person in the classroom and surrounded by a bunch of kids. 

Honestly, it feels pretty weird at this point in my life to even mention going to class or taking tests. Like somewhere in my head is a voice that says if I couldn't have finished my schooling by now, I should have just quit. There's also a voice that says I'm an idiot for going to an actual university with actual standards (not very high standards, but standards nonetheless) and not just some sham university that works with the military and practically gives their degrees away. But that's a blog for another time.

And speaking of blogs, I think I've been doing pretty good at staying consistent in writing in this thing. I do still struggle with being a bit too mindful in what I write though as I'm aware of some of the people that may read it and I'm always worried about hurting/offending them. I really got to get over that though. Not to say I should write with intent to hurt/offend anyone, but more that I feel I'm doing best when I'm being honest about my thoughts, feelings, etc. 

I think another issue with this thing is the inconsistency in what I write about. Unless I did something personally significant that day (hike, 5k, Magic event, etc.), there's no rhyme or reason - it's just whatever I'm feeling at the moment. Which I guess has worked to keep me writing in here, but if I'm using this thing to try and build some sort of self-discipline for someday writing something that really means something to me (i.e. a novel). So I'm toying with the idea in my head of putting a little more organization into this thing, I'm just not sure how. I still want whatever I post to be related to my life - I have no illusions of being an actual blogger (how is "blogger" even an actual word?) that focuses on writing on one topic and gets compensated for it. This thing serves for practice and to some degree, my ego, but overall I'd still like it to be a hodgepodge of all the weird elements of my life and pointless thoughts I have about the world at large. I just want it to be a little more organized/planned out. I don't know, I'll think of something. Hopefully maybe.

Song of the Day 

Once again, my job crushes my soul

 I had quite the diatribe prepared in my head for tonight. First I was gonna talk about this really cringy crush I had in high school where I was just too dumb to see the signs this girl wasn't into me. And then I was going to compare it to a crush I have in my current life and how I find myself once again not seeing the signs. At least until recently (and even then we can't be sure I'm completely passed the crush). And then I was going to finish things off with some remorseful paragraph about how much it sucks to realize someone isn't into you when you were at one point so sure they were.

I'm telling you, it would've been one of my best posts yet.

But then I got stuck at work late. Not even that late, like 30 minutes. But it was enough to throw off my writing mojo by like a mile. (It probably doesn't help that someone at work had baseball on the TV most the night).

I guess I didn't really have to write anything, but then that defeats the purpose of this exercise/experiment/whatever the fuck I'm doing. 

Anyways, guess it's (past) time to go lay down, stare at the ceiling, and wonder if I should be admonishing myself for continually making the same kind of mistake for over 30 years or congratulate myself for being so consistent. I'll probably do both. 

Song of the Day 

Oh the nature we will know

 I saw this black bear while walking Hamlet today. And while normally I'd say seeing a black bear in Alaska isn't at all uncommon or maybe not even one in Anchorage, I would say seeing one in the heart of Anchorage, where I was walking is quite uncommon. I've lived in this house nearly twelve years and this is my first time seeing one over here. 

And to think, had my treadmill not decided to quit working this morning, I may have not been in the right place at the right time to catch a glimpse of this little guy. Of course the treadmill thing might become a more annoying issue in the coming weeks/months, but I did some research and ordered some stuff and I'm hoping I can get it back to working on my own before any drastic measures must be taken.  

Sometimes I really do find it absolutely amazing that I can step outside my door and within five minutes of walking, I'll be on a paved trail where I might see moose, foxes, otters, muskrats, and the occasional bald eagle. And now even possibly black bears. Pretty awesome to be surrounded by so much nature while still being less than a five minute drive away from a major shopping center or the nation's highest grossing independently owned pizzeria (depending on which direction I want to drive). Though it would be even more awesome if I could find one of them wild and super rare briefcases full of cash.

Song of the Day 

 

Undercooked Onions

I made chili tonight. It did not turn out as well as it normally does. I guess that's what I get for not having made it in so long. At least it wasn't inedible and I've got lunch for most the week.

The problem with chili (as well as a few other dishes) is that it's great when I'm in the mood for it. But it doesn't take more than a couple days of eating it before the mood has left and then it becomes a chore to eat. And I've yet to find a way of making it than produces only a couple days worth. 

The most obvious solution is freezing what I don't want, but then I run into the problem of not having lunches for the week. Which has the obvious solution of making a couple different dishes on Sunday night and I can freeze some and alternate the others to not get bored with the food so fast. But I just don't like cooking that much. I'm kind of jealous of those that do. Though to be fair, those that do enjoy it tend to be cooking for more than one. 

I know, I'm complaining about a first world problem. It's just been a frustrating day. A lot of stupid little shit to inconvenience my day (like Firefox crashing right when I tried to submit a message board post for the last bit of homework I needed to do). I thought today would be a lot more relaxing than it turned out to be and now I'm trying to get things ready for work over the next 11 days (I'm working next weekend, so it's going to be 11 days until my next day off) and for all I've gotten done, I feel like there's still a bunch more to do. 

At least the Bills won.

Song of the Day 

If only I could take up hibernation

Sometime ago, I decided I'm going to leave my alarm set on weekends, even though I absolutely hate the sound of the thing and in my dream perfect life, I never have to wake up to an alarm clock. I think I was thinking that maybe by doing that, I might someday turn into one of those normal adults that gets up at the same time every day, work day or not, and does productive things. There has yet to be a non-work day I haven't just turned the alarm off and gone back to sleep. Usually that sleep lasts about a whole our or so. Maybe two hours if I was up particularly late the night before. 

Today I went back to sleep for four hours. Which is how I know I've been a lot more tired lately than normal. Suffice to say, oversleeping like that, I did not make it out to another prerelease event for Magic. Which is kind of a bummer as I did want to try and give it another go, but oh well. I took care of what needed to be taken care of, which was homework and grocery shopping. 

Anyways, I've been feeling off lately. Or in a funk as some might say. And unlike a lot of other times I've felt in a funk, I know why this time. Or at least I know most the why, there's always more than one reason for these kinds of things and I think often no matter how much we do know, there's always a little more that we don't know. 

I normally love fall. It's a great time for introspection and wearing your favorite hoodie more than any other clothing item you own. The excitement of the holiday season can be sensed, but its additional stress still seems far away. Warm drinks hit just right and don't get cold too soon. And it's when nature shows most the most color, something I really, really love about the season.

But I don't love this fall. I don't think I loved last fall either, but I think I was more prepared for not loving fall last year. My breakup still felt fresh at that point and I knew it was time I'd need alone. (I also had hope that my next relationship wouldn't be too far away, which is a story for another time (maybe)).

Truth be told, I've been missing my ex lately. Not in a "I wish we never broke up/I hope we get back together" kind of way, just more of a miss having someone in my life to be excited about things with, like the changing of seasons. When fall came here, we'd decorate the house together and make lots of plans for the winter. Of course most the plans were wishful thinking and would never come to fruition (which was one of the things that bothered me in the relationship), but it was fun to make them nonetheless. 

When I saw the first couple yellow leaves, I told myself I was gonna be excited for the season no matter how hard it was - I'd fake it til I made it. Now most the leaves are yellow and quite a few have fallen and I just don't have faking it in me. Instead now I just want to be a recluse that can sleep away fall and winter and the dirty part of early spring too. 

Song of the Day