I dream of being able to dream more

 I don't know how people are able to lay there head down at night and just fall asleep. Like no matter how tired I am, the moment my head hits the pillow, I'm gonna need about 30 minutes (minimum) of thinking about pointless stuff while trying to get comfortable before I can fall asleep. I'm seriously jealous of people that are able to lay down and just be asleep, often no matter the circumstance. 

Like people that can just sleep on planes. It's seriously mind boggling to me. They always look like they're sleeping in a position that can't be good for their neck, but it doesn't matter to them. They're snoring away, often with their mouth wide open, and I'm usually struggling to even keep my eyes shut - despite often not sleeping the night before I fly! 

I say all this because while I normally work evenings (which is much better for my natural circadian rhythm), then next four days I'll be working day shift. And I know that even though I'm tired, when I lay down in a little bit, it's going to take me a while to fall asleep. Like I'll be lucky if I get more than two hours of sleep tonight. And I don't doubt that somewhere out there is someone in a similar position to me. Except they're asleep already as though switching around their sleep schedule while the world continues to get worse with each passing news cycle is all no big deal. 

Song of the Day 

Summer isn't over, but it's closer to its end than its beginning

 It's that time of year where, if you're from here, you notice the decrease in daylight. The trees are mostly still green, but you know it's only a matter of days before you start seeing yellow leaves. And not long after that, the trees will be mostly yellow and even the sunny days will have a little chill to them. 

I really don't like this time of year. Which is kind of funny as I love fall. I even love pre-fall, that time I mentioned when the leaves are just starting to turn yellow. But for the couple weeks when the only noticeable difference is less sunlight, I just feel dread. There's this realization that no matter how much I may have done over the summer, the season will be over soon enough and I'll feel like I didn't do enough. 

For instance, I've done more hiking this summer than the last few summers combined. But there's still a bunch of hikes I didn't get to doing and now that the end of summer is right around the corner, I know I'm not likely to get to them all. And I know that's not really the worst thing, but it still makes me feel like I went wrong somewhere and let too many days go to waste. 

There's also the realization of another summer single. Which, in the grand scheme of things (whatever that scheme and those things may be) isn't really that horrible a thing. But a little while ago, I met someone and I was pretty damn positive there was more than just a friendly connection there. A connection reinforced by her not being my normal type (though I'm still not sure what my normal type is) and my therapist at the time telling me I needed to branch out from my normal type. Regardless, I was wrong about there being any sort of connection beyond her being friendly and me being foolish. It happens. I'm just a bit bummed to see the end of summer around the corner and I'm no closer to dating again than before summer started.

The other existential dread with this time of year is knowing that Halloween candy is about to show up on store shelves. I'm not going to lie to myself this year that I can resist it and just wait for the sales after Halloween. The challenge will be not buying too much of it. Mostly for the sake of my bank account, but also to try and keep my waistline from getting any bigger, especially once we've lost lots of daylight and I go back to my natural sedentary ways. 

Song of the Day 

Sunday evening? Again? So soon?

 I feel like I just got done with a whole lot of meal prepping and pre work anxiety, yet here I am again. Thought I'd get a lot more done today too, but instead I struggled to get out of bed this morning as my body reminded me I did an 8.5 mile hike yesterday. But these days I consider hiking my most important weekend priority, so if that's all I do for the weekend, that's OK. It was so nice out today I almost considered doing another short hike despite how my legs felt. But I knew I'd regret that tomorrow when I had no lunch and suddenly I was spending $20 a day for the week to eat. 

I did kinda work on the home office today. Barely. I took down some shelves that were in there that my exgf had left behind. Kinda bittersweet when I do things like that. 

Originally, I'd kept the shelves (cubbies really) because there was no reason not to. They worked and I didn't have any sentimental attachment to them. But somehow taking them apart put an awkward attachment to them. Like this weird reminder of how different our respective decorating styles are. Granted, I wouldn't say I have a decorating style other than I either don't like something or it works for what I need and doesn't hurt my eyes so I'll get it.

Anyways, there's a little more room in the room that will be the office now. In fact, there should be enough room for me to put my bookshelves in there now. Of course, that means I'll have to get them downstairs, which will be the tricky part.  I might have to invite a friend over to help, but then if I'm suddenly willing to start inviting people over, what was the point of getting rid of the game room? Life is quite the juxtapositional conundrum.

Song of the Day 

Went to the base of O'Malley again

 

My original plans today had been to hike somewhere else, but due to miscommunication with those I was planning on doing that hike with, those place fell through. So I decided to head to O'Malley instead. I know I did it not that long ago, but the weather was crap then and today seemed like a good day for that. Also, it's probably my favorite hike in the Anchorage Bowl. Also, since I'd brought Hamlet the last time I did this hike, I knew he'd be able to do it again. Lastly, there seems to have been more bear attacks than normal this year (thankfully none fatal) and bears tend to attack people hiking alone more than groups. However, I never hear of bear sightings on the O'Malley trail, so it seemed like a safer option.

Just like last time, I knew I'd only be going to the base of O'Malley. Going to the peak itself, or so I've read, requires some scree scrambling and Hamlet wouldn't be able to make that. So we made it to the base without much issue and after a little snack, I decided we should head to the opposing ridgeline just to see the view from there. Unfortunately we were barely a few hundred feet into heading to that ridgeline when Hamlet began noticeably limping. 

On the way back, we found someone's phone and I was able to find them later on the trail while they were looking for it, so it was a bit fortuitous for them Hamlet started limping when he did and altered our course in such a way that I cam across their phone. They may have had a very long day of backtracking to try and find it otherwise. 

We took it a little slower getting back and Hamlet did fine, all considered. Sadly, I think this means in the future he'll be limited to much shorter hikes. I'm doubtful he'll really notice, he's always happy just to be out in the mountains. But I'm gonna notice him not being there when I do the longer ones. 

 

Song of the Day

Well would you look at the (passing) time

I never did a review of the 45th year of my life. So before it gets too far behind me, here's a quick review:

It was a year.

Honestly, it didn't feel like anything too crazy happened. It had some ups, some downs, and a whole lot of level ground.

The high point: Finally sewing on master sergeant. I know I knew about it even before 45, but it wasn't real until it happened. And while even now it sometimes still doesn't feel real, it's been getting there.

The low point: Odysseus passing. I knew it wasn't far off when I visited him last time, but it would've been nice to get one more visit. 

The awkward point: Realizing someone I thought was romantically interested in me was in fact not at all romantically interested me. On the plus side, it's good to know that after all these years I can still be consistent about some things.

The next point: While I plan to keep taking classes and inching ever closer to getting my degree (hopefully), I think my bigger focus has become paying down/off debt. One of these days I might write about how bad I've been with money over the years, but it's a bit embarrassing so I try not to think about it.

Song of the Day 

I miss jiu jitsu

I'm no stranger to breaks from jiu jitsu. In fact, I'd say I'm more acquainted with breaks than with actual training. But this most recent "break" has been the longest I've gone without a single training session in a long time. And not without reason.

Last December I got caught in a shoulder lock. The problem, for me, was that I didn't think I was that caught. I thought if I could just get the guy to shift his weight a little, I could escape. Unfortunately, I could not get the guy to shift his weight and by the time I was willing to admit that to myself, he'd applied the submission to a point it hurt. 

(For the uninitiated, when it comes to a lot of joint locks, when it gets to the point it hurts, you're already bit late in tapping).

Now at the gym, my shoulder felt a little sore, but nothing super horrible. I kept rolling for the rest of the training session and then went about my day. The next day my shoulder was a bit sorer and so I decided that I would once again take a break from the gym while I let it heal. It was near the holidays and seemed like a good time for a break anyways (even though I'd only been back about a month since my last break). 

I don't think it's ever really healed. For like eight months now my shoulder has been iffy at best. Some days it feels fine and has most its normal mobility and I only remember it's injured when I try to move it in ways it doesn't normally move anyways. But other days, I've got maybe 50% mobility and it's a struggle to move it enough to put a backpack on. 

Eight freaking months... It might be time to actually go see a doctor. But that's expensive (yay American healthcare!) and takes away from what little free time I often feel like I have. However, now that the Air Force is resuming PT testing, I may be out of options. I can do like three push-ups with my shoulder as it is before it's in excruciating pain. 

But I'm really beginning to miss going to the gym. From the workout to the camaraderie. Don't get me wrong, I haven't been completely lazy all this time - been making use of the treadmill as well as a decent bit of hiking. But those are like they're own separate things; I don't think there's another workout out there that compares to the one you get with grappling/combat sports. 

So it might just be time to admit to myself this shoulder isn't going to heal on its own and maybe make a doctor appointment. 

Song of the Day 

The more things change...

Back in April, when I sewed on master sergeant, I had to sign an agreement with the air force to do at least three more years. And I thought, why the hell not - things have been going good. I looked forward to doing at least three more years.

Lately though, ever day at work has felt like its own little prison. Don't get me wrong, it's not as my drinking days when I'd wonder if I wasn't better just driving off the bridge on the way into work so I wouldn't have to be there. I'd say this is more akin to my active duty days in which I was counting down the days until I'd be able to take off the uniform for good (or so I thought).

I don't like this feeling. I don't like being a guy just trying to get through each day until he can get to the weekend, just so he can spend the weekend dreading the next work week. At the same time, between leadership at the very top and a group of coworkers I have nothing to really talk about with, it's hard to not be in a dreadful mindset. 

I don't know, maybe I'm just in a slump. Despite trying to make sure I get out and do things this summer, in a lot of ways it feels like it's passing by too quickly with me having too little to show for it.  

Song of the Day 

Ten minute drives that take twenty-five minutes

 I hate driving in Anchorage. I probably hate driving about anywhere though (which makes it a little ironic my dream life right now is just driving around the country in a van I live in).

The thing that drives me crazy in Anchorage is just how oblivious most drivers are to the other drivers around them. People in this city really be going 10+ mph below the speed limit in the left lane (and it's almost always a damn Subaru Forester!) only to cut across the right lane at the last second to make a right turn into some store parking lot. 

Then there's the ridiculous amount of times I've been stuck behind someone at a traffic light that needs 3+ seconds to realize the light has turned green. 

And I can't forget the jackasses that uses a lane that's going to turn into a turning lane to try and speed up pass all the slow traffic and cut someone off to merge back in with the traffic going straight. 

I'm not even going to get started on Dodge Ram drivers up here. 

Anyways, the thing I was thinking about today (and have thought about many times before) is how I need to learn to just let it go. I mean, I usually do eventually let it go, but it's an unhealthy process to get there. I scream at the other driver from the safety of my car while wishing them horrible pain with the worse language and then once I get to work I tend to have forgotten about it all. But I need to let it go much quicker than that.

As in I should be letting it go so quickly it's like I was never holding on to it at all. Life's too short for me to be letting strangers have so much control over my blood pressure. So much as there isn't an accident (and Hamlet isn't harmed if he's with me), then just move on. Most the time I'm going somewhere I don't really want to be anyways. 

Song of the Day