I need new knees. Maybe new lungs too.

 

For the first time in (roughly) a year and a half, I ran an official 5k. (Official meaning it was an event with sponsors and time keepers and all that good stuff). My time was 31:05, which was a little slower than I thought I'd do, but at least gives me a solid personal goal to beat next time. I thought for sure I'd come in under 30 minutes just due to training at home at a nine minute mile on a treadmill with a slight incline. But I think a few factors played into my slower than expected performance. 

First off, outside running is a lot different. I was not prepared for the chill, nor did I bring headphones for music and that threw me off (as I always have music going at home). I also woke up a little earlier than I needed to so I could have some breakfast and not run on an empty stomach. But when I run at home, I always do it first thing, before breakfast. Like maybe I'll have an apple, but that's it. Today I had cereal and coffee and I think that threw my system for a loop. And the biggest factor, I think, was a hill about 2/3rds the way into the run. I wasn't prepared for any sort of real incline and once I slowed down for going uphill, it was almost impossible for me to get my pace back up when going downhill. But oh well, now I know.

Anyways, what I'm more proud of myself for today is even going at all. When my alarm went off today, my brain started making a lot of reasons not to go. "You already paid your fee, they got their money," my brain said in a voice that sounded suspiciously like mine, "just stay home and jog on the treadmill. Avoid the crowds and be comfortable." It turns out, sometimes I have a little social anxiety, especially when going to events where I'm not sure I'll know anyone at all. And this time, that anxiety was really kicking in. In a way it hasn't done in a long time. It got to a point I told myself that I had to go just in spite of the anxiety. Somehow that worked. 

So yay me, I did the thing I told myself I was going to do a long time ago. Took me longer than I intended to get there, but that just seems to be a theme for my life.  

Now I have to figure out do I really want to chance doing any of the winter runs that happen in this city (where it's not unheard of for temps to be in the single digits on race day) or just wait til next spring for another outdoor "official" run. Guess we'll find out...

Song of the Day 

Matter of fact, I do think I could do better

My biggest complaint/criticism of Magic: The Gathering (not to be confused with my criticisms of the makers of the game, Wizards of the Coast/Hasbro) is its story. It is easily one of the worst fantasy storylines ever written and the fact it continues to be so is literary tragedy. Even more tragic to me though is the number of fans of the game that are fans of the story. Like generally, I try not to yuck in anyone's yum these days, but when someone says they're a fan of the story, I automatically assume less of them. I don't mean less like they're less of a human being, but definitely that they're critical thinking skills aren't on par with more developed adults. 

This was brought to the forefront of my mind tonight while listening to a Magic podcast where the story was brought up. And one of the presenters talked about how much he enjoyed the developments in the story coming with the next set. Fortunately this was a presenter I already didn't have much respect for, so I didn't have to feel any sort of letdown. But it made me think about the fact that there are lots of people out there that follow the story and seem to think it's good. And that just makes me sad.

I do try to give some leeway to the various writers for the story (of which there are many) as when the game came out, it didn't really have a story. There were some characters on the cards and little flavor text references to something resembling a story, but nothing really official. It wouldn't be until a few years later that the game's makers decided it needed a more fleshed out story with reoccurring characters. A decisions I would have agreed with had I still been actively playing at the time; the world that was created was teeming with story possibilities. And, for all I know, when the story first came out it was alright (I haven't gone back to see how things were in the beginning). I will say what I have read in the past few years, some of the writers do well with what they're given and other writers make me envious of all those people I know that can read, but choose not to. 

But no matter how well a story is written, if it's a bad story it's still going to be a bad story. 

It probably shouldn't bother me as much as it does. The game itself is still fun (most the time) and there's engaging with the story does nothing to help one's gameplay abilities. I think I'm more annoyed by the fact there are people that treat the story as though it's on par with actual good fantasy. I'm not saying it's a crime to enjoy it - even I'd say it has some good moments - just that it's cringe to see/hear people treat it as actual literature. 

Oh well, I guess it could be worse. I need to lay down and question myself on the decision commit to plans on a weekend day when I know tomorrow I'm just going to want to stay in bed.

Song of the Day 

I collect tools and they collect dust

 Was talking with a guy at work today about weekend plans and he said he's going to spend the weekend taking a chunk of his downstairs ceiling out to make sure there isn't a leak effecting his upstairs sub-floor and if he has the time he's going to start working on some huge product in his garage. That's going to take up his whole weekend and he's perfectly happy with it. And I'm kinda envious.

I don't think I can get more than two hours into a home improvement project before I'm bored with it and ready to do just about anything else. And that sucks because my house needs a lot of work. Not just before I (hopefully) sell it one day, but a lot of work just to make living in it more comfortable. 

I know there's a lot I can't do on my own, like install a wood stove insert into the fireplace. And a lot of people I know with better handyman skills than me recommend leaving carpet installation to professionals. But I feel like there's still a lot I could figure out if I put my mind to it. Like putting in vinyl or laminate flooring. Or putting in a new bedroom door (including swapping the frame). But the thought of that being how I spend my whole day is absolutely dreadful. 

I like to imagine one day I'll have enough money to just pay someone to do it all for me. But at the rate I'm going, I'll be lucky if I have the money to pay professionals to do the work I can in no way do on my own, so I definitely don't want to count on being able to pay to have someone do the work I could possibly do.

I also like to think I'm getting ahead of myself by thinking about home improvement projects right now. But some of those are closer to being home repair projects and are probably going to need to be dealt with sooner than I'd like. 

Song of the Day 

Prioroties

 No real time to write tonight as I decided to knock out some homework. Even crazier is I wrote out way more for the homework than I intended; hopefully it makes sense to the professor. 

Also, despite a huge desire to sleep in this morning, I got up and jogged a practice 5k on my treadmill. And my shin splints seem to be gone, so thank God for that; I really didn't want to go do an actual 5k while my shins felt like they were on fire. 

Song of the Day 

Anywhere but a Carnival cruise

 There are two realistic scenarios in which I see myself ever drinking again. 

1) I give up on the idea of having a better life for myself, assuming that which I truly want out of life will never happen anyways, and just say "fuck it" and start the slow (but quicker than one often thinks) process of drinking myself to death. I'm sure I'd have moments during that time in which I think maybe this isn't such a good idea and I take a break and try to pull myself back together, but I'm also pretty sure that once I've given up, I'm committing to it. 

2) I'm on vacation or out of state for work and I decide to just let loose. I'll tell myself I can have fun while I'm away from home and once I get back home I'll get sober again. After all, I've already proven I can stop without much issue. It won't work of course and eventually I'll find myself struggling to do much of anything besides drink. 

I think scenario 1 is more likely than 2, but I can definitely see 2 happening if I'm not careful.  

This isn't to imply I'm thinking of starting drinking again. I still remember all too well the many mornings hungover feeling like I might just be clinically dead and the later in the day bathroom emergencies. And I don't care won't deal with either of those.

But I do still think about drinking quite a bit and I'm still a bit on guard for what might take me back to it.

Song of the Day 

Zone defense

 A long, long time ago, I had a crush on a girl and she put me in the "friendzone." (Sadly not the first time this happened) I stayed in that zone and bitched to anyone foolish enough to ask me "what's up?" I lamented life and cursed love because of my unrequited feelings. All the while, I kept hanging out with this girl every chance I got, believing one day I would do or say the right thing that would get her to realize she actually did feel the same way about me and then we'd both live happily ever after. 

Unfortunately, when her and I weren't hanging out, I was imagining us hanging out. And in those imagined scenarios, that's when I was able to say and do the right thing to change how she saw me. Those constant daydreams would consume way too much of my time. And since I was in control of how the daydreams went, she was always the perfect woman for me. Even when I tried to imagine her as true to who she was as I knew her, my subconscious was filling in the spots I didn't know about with qualities that would make her seem perfect. 

The more time I spent in these daydreams, the more I came to conflate the her I was making up with who she really was. So that when the real life version of her did or said something that didn't match up with my imagined version of her, I'd be mad and/or sad. I'm not just talking about things between her and I either, but really inconsequential things. For instance, one evening we were hanging out and she said she had to be home sooner than normal for the start of a new season of a show she liked. When she told me the show, I was absolutely incredulous. The version of her I knew in my head would never watch something so stupid, yet here was the real her saying she enjoyed the show. 

I took her home and asked if I could watch with her, thinking maybe it would be something we'd share a new bond over. I hated it, but I pretended not to. Somewhere in the back of my mind was a new daydream forming where she would fall in love with me simply for the time we spent together watching this show. 

Obviously, things between her and I never went beyond being friends. And it would be all too many years before I'd be able to look back upon those times and see how foolish I was. Even now I cringe at a lot of what I said and did. Somehow, we're still friends and talk on occasion. We've even talked about some of my dumb antics back then, which I've apologized over more times than I can count at this point. Each time she laughs it off and says it's fine, but that rarely helps me to feel better about any of it. 

But I guess if there's any upside to it, it's that I finally (at least to some degree) realized that when I have a crush on someone, it's best to avoid daydreaming myself with them. 

Song of the Day 

Three day weekends should be the standard

 

I know this is a first world problem, but it's also something I think should be applied to the general working public the whole world over. I'm tired of getting to Sunday night and feeling like I either haven't gotten the rest I need, didn't get things done I needed to get done, and/or didn't get any time for my hobbies. 

And I know there's bootlickers out there that'll say you can knock multiple things out in one day, but it's crazy to me that the common person is expected to run errands, do housework, catch up on TV, and indulge in whatever hobbies they may have all in the span of 48 hours. We should be given a day for rest, a day for taking care of what we need to take care of, and a day for doing whatever the hell we want. How people with kids manage to get anything done for themselves is beyond me. I'm assuming most of them don't and that's why so many of them seem so miserable most the time.

My ideal weekend - 

Day 1: Rest. I want to do nothing by sleep in and then sit on the couch and eat junk food. Maybe I'll go out to eat somewhere since I'm definitely not in the mood to cook. But running errands that involve me dealing with crowds is out of the question.

Day 2: Get thins done. Errands, meal prepping, housework - it all happens here. 

Day 3: Me time. Which for me would be either hiking or gaming. Not video games as those are more of a rest activity for me, but social gaming. Most likely Magic, but I like board games too. And maybe if I had an extra day out of the week in which I didn't have to work, I could get back into Dungeons & Dragons. 

Of course, the order of these days isn't set in stone, but I imagine this is how I would prefer to do it. Yesterday, I slept in and ran errands. Today I slept in and did some work around the house (I'm beginning to hate folding laundry as much as the rest the world it seems) and am now meal prepping for the work week. So I got to do the resting thing and the personal productivity thing. But there was no me time. In order to get me time in, I would likely have had to sacrifice meal prepping. Or I would have to sacrifice rest in order to stay up too late meal prepping. Regardless, I'm going to go back to work feeling like I didn't get a complete weekend. 

Again, I know this is truly a first world problem. I know there are people in this world (even in American these days sadly) working every day of the week and not by choice. And again, I feel it's bullshit for anyone to be working so much. I think we have the knowhow and technology that we could make the four day work week the standard the world over and humanity would move on just fine. But I'm no oligarch, so the only thing I can really do about it is whine like most people. 

Song of the Day 

Meh, Bleh, and Eh?

I don't really have it in me tonight. I spent much of the day driving around Anchorage pretty much aimlessly. I had homework to do, but I just didn't want to be home. And I didn't feel like hiking cause even though it was sunny in Anchorage, all the mountain tops were covered in clouds. 

I knocked out most the weekend errands I needed to do so I can at stay home tomorrow should I want to. Though I get the feeling I'll want to escape the house again.

I went to Fred Meyer and looked at Halloween decorations. And then I got sad. I don't miss my ex that much, but getting ready for Halloween together was always fun. And then I laughed at the absurdity of feeling sentimental about my ex while I was in Fred Meyer - before we broke up I used to make excuses to go to the store just to be away from her for a little bit. 

I would walk around the furniture and home decor sections of the store daydreaming how I'd change the house when we broke up. Which is absurd because there was, and is, no way I'd buy furniture from Fred Meyer. Well, not any furniture I intend to sit or sleep upon; I have bought some bookshelves from there. 

And then I passed by Turnagain Brewing on the way home - one of my favorite places. And I thought of how great it would be to go in and have a beer. But not just one beer, I'd have my limit there and go to the liquor store nearby and get a bunch more beer and get absolutely tanked tonight and worry about my real life tomorrow. But the thought was short lived as I drove by. I'm not saying it doesn't, to some extent, still sound great. But I know I wouldn't get to my real life tomorrow then. Not sure I'd ever get back to it again if I ever make that decision.

So I finally went home, did homework, and now I stare at bare walls while my dog whines for me to go to bed. 

Song of the Day 

None of this would matter if I could just meet and marry a rich woman

 I might die tomorrow. I don't mean that I think I'll die tomorrow, just that I might. In the same way that any of us might because the possibility of death exists for any and all of us and any given moment. Obviously some moments are more likely than others, but there's never a 0% chance of dying for anyone. At least not so far as I know.

And if tomorrow, something should happen that would bring about my death, but that death isn't instantaneous and instead I get a few minutes to think about my life before succumbing to whatever it is that's killing me, I'm gonna spend those moments very likely regretting a few things. And one of those big regrets will likely be whatever available credit remains on my credit cards. 

I know when a person dies that creditors get to go after the estate to collect what they're owed. My estate should have more than enough to cover that. Not a lot more, but banks should get what they're owed. And since I don't have a wife or kids to worry about being taken care of when I pass, there's really no point in worrying about there being enough money for anyone. I also don't have to worry about anyone else taking on whatever debt I leave behind. At worst, my house that is currently set to go to next of kin by default would instead have to be sold to pay remaining debt. 

So I'm pretty sure if I tomorrow I was hit by a car but had a few minutes of laying in the middle of the road dying, I'd be a bit peeved about not using my credit cards to have more a little more fun in life (most notably doing more traveling and buying more Magic cards). 

On the other hand, I may not die tomorrow. I might even go on to live for a few more decades. And credit card debt is quite the burden to keep around. I should know, I'm still paying on some from long ago, as well as paying on a little more from some other somewhat recent ("recent" meaning within the last couple years) bad financial decisions. I often like to think I'm not as bad with credit cards as I once was, but I'm still far from good.

And who knows, maybe someday I do find a woman that I click with well enough for us to get married. I'm OK with taking a little debt into marriage, but I certainly wouldn't want it to be at the amount I have now.  So I have to think, if I'm laying there not dying, do I really want to add to my debt for some temporary fun when that might end up creating a road block in a relationship in the future.

But even if marriage never happens, do I want to grow old counting pennies (or I guess nickels at this point) because I'm still paying off debt from years/decades ago? Do I want to get to a point where I'm constantly cycling between which credit card to use for emergencies because there's no money in my bank account and as an old person I undoubtedly have to go to the hospital a lot (even if it's only to hold up the pharmacy line)?

The above arguments literally happen in my head damn near daily. When I was drinking, the bad money decisions won out more often than not. I guess fortunately since getting sober I don't reach for the credit cards nearly as often. But even sober, there's the thought that I could die tomorrow and I should be allowing myself more fun now because of that. 

Song of the Day