(An Interlude in) A Story About Arguing with God

This picture is from one of my happiest memories, even thought I'm in uniform and even then I hated being in uniform when not at work. (Unfortunately it's a bad quality version of the pic as I'm unable to find the original right now and I'm beginning to think it may be lost forever).

In South Carolina I met a really great group of people at this little campus church called The Shack. It was through conversations with a lot of them I gave up on my attempt to not believe in God. I was able to accept (at least to some degree) that faith isn't perfect nor is it easy. But that's all for discussion another time, this is about that night: my last night in South Carolina before leaving for England.

(Memory being what it is, I know I'll get some details wrong. So I'm going to try and be sparse on details and stick to point, whatever it may be). 

I was expecting that last night to be pretty boring. I thought it might just be Guillermo, my ride to the airport in the morning, and I hanging out and maybe someone else from The Shack might stop by. In reality I was kind of frustrated because it seemed like so many people from this group I'd gotten to know over the past few months were all suddenly busy and wouldn't be able to hang out on my last night in town. But sometimes that's just the way things go and I was trying not to be too upset by it. 

Part of me was trying to formulate a plan to maybe ditch Guillermo for a bit and maybe find a bar where maybe I might be able to use my story about my last night in America for awhile to get some attention from some random woman at the bar. But Guillermo insisted we go by The Shack because he forgot something there he needed to go grab. And for whatever reason he needed me to come in to the house with him. 

And that's when I saw all these people, there to throw be a surprise going away party. Part of me immediately felt bad because I'd just smoked a cigarette and I felt guilty for smelling like a damn smoker. But most of me had never felt so loved in a single moment. Like I remember being close to crying. Thankfully, someone suggested I get into uniform for a picture and any chance at tears was immediately pushed away. 

Anyways, I know this isn't the greatest way of telling the story, but I feel the moment is actually quite important in my story about arguing with God. And I still think about this night quite a bit. And most these people.

All the way to the right (my left) is Tony. He and I had some good conversations about doubt. And also some good talks about music. Hopefully one of these years, before too long, I can get another good conversation in with him. I actually saw him a about eight years ago down in New Orleans and we talked a little bit, mostly about where our lives were and all that. But for me it was kind of an awkward conversation because all I really wanted to do was go out and get drunk, not have semi-serious conversation with an old friend.

Next ti him was a guy that I think was named Matt. However, I didn't know him that well. He was new to The Shack at the time and since I knew I was soon to be gone when he showed up, I didn't make much effort at establishing a connection. And then he showed up to my going away. There's probably a lesson for me in all that. 

I won't even try to pretend I remember the young woman's name immediately on my left. I remember being absolutely smitten with her though, like the moment I met her not too long before this night happened. However, she was dating my buddy Matt (a different Matt - The Shack had a disproportionate number of Matts in those days) and I felt guilty for having anything even remotely like a crush for this woman.

Then there's Guillermo, one of the most patient people I'd ever met. I could've learned a lot from him, but I think I was always feeling in too much of a rush to take the time to do so. Which is a shame - even now I'd say patience, or lack thereof, is one of my bigger weaknesses. Kind of funny considering I have no idea what I'm trying to rush to, but I hate this feeling I'm not getting there fast enough.

Next to him and almost directly behind me is Amy. I taught her how to play chess. Within a few months she was regularly beating me. More for her than for me, but I like to pretend that shows just what a good teacher I am. I also remember that once during a group coffee session she gave me a pink cup to drink from and I made such a big deal about it she made sure I always got that cup when we all met for coffee after church. They actually gave me that cup as a going away gift and everyone signed it. But my dumb ass put the cup in the dishwasher and all the signatures washed away. Then the cup also cracked and was no goof for holding liquid anymore, but I still have it. 

Next is Christine. I could write a whole blog on Christine. In fact I'm pretty sure I did on one of my old blogs long ago. One of the wisest people I've ever been lucky enough to have a conversation with and one of the few people in my life I try to get a Christmas card out to every year (though I also promised her a letter about why the 90's was the greatest decade of our lifetime and I still haven't gotten to writing that). She's also quite an amazing artist and whenever I'm wealthy, I'm buying some of her work for decorating my house.

Then there's Alison. She made the best sweet tea I've yet to have in my life and even though I try to replicate it every now and then, I always fail miserably. She was also one of the most generous hosts I've ever been fortunate enough to be served by. But I think what I remember most is how passionate her love for Jesus seemed. Genuinely so. I don't know how her relationship with God is these days, but I do remember how awesome it was back in the day listening to her talk about Jesus like he was an actual friend she knew. Whereas for me he's always felt more as a friend-of-a-friend.

The tall guy next to Alison is her husband, Tyler. Tyler might be, or at least was, one of the most easily likeable people I'd ever met. Like the dude could just walk into a room and it seemed like everyone was ready to be his friend. I wanted to be jealous of him for it, but I liked him too much to have any real anger towards him. On the other side of that coin, I was also quite intimidated by him for it and while I didn't avoid him, it just felt hard for me to have any sort of open conversation. I don't know if that makes sense, but I do remember that being how I felt back then.

Finally there's Cynthia. At least I think that's her name. I feel horrible for not fully remembering. Especially since she was the person to introduce me to Death Cab for Cutie, a band that I would just a couple years later drive four hours (each way) to see one two occasions. But what really sticks out for me is that I think her and I had a lot more in common back then than I wanted to think we did. Like we could have had some really good conversations, but I always avoided them. She had a fling with a buddy of mine and for whatever reason, I felt that made it inappropriate for me to talk with her. I don't know, I had some serious social hangups back then. Still do, but I figure if I focus on the historical ones I don't have to worry about the current ones.

Anyways, this went way longer than I meant it to as I rambled on about old friends like some old man trying to hold on to a past that's taking reality with it as it slips away. I miss all these people and I hope they're all living wonderful lives right these days. And even though I know it's not likely I'll see most (if any) of them ever again, I'll always cherish them for that one night they all made me feel like the man of the hour. 

Song of the Day 

(The Beginning of) A Story About Arguing with God

Like many white kids that were raised in a church environment in the 80's and 90's, I grew disillusioned with Christianity in my teen years and that carried on a bit into my 20's as well (and honestly still carries on a bit today, but it's a different disillusionment for different reasons). My reasoning for said disillusion though was pretty pathetic. Other kids were just questioning the idea of God, like maybe there could be something else out there. Or maybe they saw all the pain in the world and thought how can there be a God if all this suffering exists? And some people I know didn't directly become disillusioned, they just quit caring because they really didn't feel a need to do so. But not me; nope, I wanted to not believe in God because it always looked to me like the non-Christian kids were always having more fun in life. They got to drink and party and have sex and all the good stuff, while I was stuck at home like some sort of Bible-thumping loser.

At no point in my decision that I was going to no longer believe in God did I take into consideration that many of the same kids I saw at church on Sundays were the same kids out partying on other days. Don't get me wrong, I knew that these kids were out doing that - I just silently judged them for doing so and considered them fake Christians. What I wasn't taking into consideration was that maybe the reason I wasn't out partying is because no one was inviting me to their parties. Or to put it more precisely, I assumed I wasn't being invited because people knew I was a Christian - I didn't think it was literally that no one wanted me there.

So I decided at some point, and I really wish I could find a journal entry from around then because I'm sure I have one, that I just didn't believe in God anymore. I took the edgy stance of being agnostic and saying that the Bible has some good lessons, but how can we know if God is real? Of course, this was bullshit for me - no matter how much I might want to not believe in the Judeo-Christian God, deep down I knew that I really did. Regardless, I was sure to tell people that I no longer believed in God and was no longer Christian. I figured once I told enough people, those party invited would start showing up any day now...

I think I went to all of two house parties during my high school years and I wasn't specifically invited to either of them. But those cringe-inducing stories are for another time. 

More relevant to this story is even though I was still trying not to believe in God - shortly after high school while I was trying to figure out what I want to do with my life - I still felt like God was calling me to be a high school teacher. And I was so sure of this calling that, after a lot of wasted (but enjoyed) time, I joined the air force with the full intention of doing my one enlistment to earn the GI Bill and then go to school to get my teaching degree.

This would lead to me being stationed at Shaw AFB, SC where I would meet a lot of wonderful people and I would eventually give up on the idea of trying to not believe in God. It didn't mean all my questions about God went away and it certainly didn't get rid of my desire to party and drink and all of that. It just meant I could start being a lot more honest with myself, at least a little bit. 

Now we're at a point where I'm done arguing with God about whether or not I believe he's real. I also admit that Jesus Christ is his son and my savior. I'm also still quite sure he's called me to teach high school and I've begun taking classes to start working towards that goal. But the best part? I have an assignment to an air force base in England - God was sending me to live in England for three years! And I was absolutely positive he was sending me there so I could live out my ultimate Anglophile fantasy - to marry a proper English woman with that wonderful accent and she would move back to the U.S. with me where all my friends would be amazed by her. It's also important to note that going with me to England would be my desire to party and drink and all of that.

Song of the Day 

My Social Circle is a Dot

I don't know how it happened - maybe it was quitting drinking or maybe it was political posts I made on Facebook before I deleted it - but I have virtually no real social life. I get out on occasion when I can (working swing shift has definitely made that harder than it used to be), but it's never with a consistent group of people. Like there's no one around I consider a close friend these days.

And I don't mean that in some spiteful way, I wish those people all the best in their lives. But there's no true confidant or someone I feel I could go to just to get some stuff off my chest. Instead there's just this stupid blog with the occasional anonymous reader. And those occasions are fewer and fewer these days as well. Which is probably for the better considering all the inane shit I write. Maybe all of this is for the better.

If people quit wanting to hang out with me because I've begun making a lot of things political, that's just how it is. I know it's annoying - but we're at a point in history where just trying to ignore it and hoping it all blows over shouldn't be an option. And I feel like too many people I know are taking that option. Or even worse, some people I once hung out with are likely cheering on the US's descent into fascism, and I think I'm better off being lonely rather than being around people who support that.

As for people that don't want to hang out with me now that I'm sober, I totally get that. I know when I was drinking, even if someone swore up and down being around drinkers didn't bother them, it still bothered me to have them around. I don't know why, sober people just seemed to just kill my drunk vibe just by being there. I'm not saying that's the case for the people I used to hang out with, but I would totally get it. 

Maybe it's something else entirely and/or a combination of lots of things. I got told at work a few weeks ago that I have "resting asshole face." I didn't know that was a thing, but it makes sense. I also seem to sweat more than I used to. I don't know what that's about and while historically I don't think I've ever been one of those people that stink when they sleep, maybe that's change. Maybe I'm now the stinky guy and I don't even know it.  

It's also depressing to think that my closest friend right now is a woman from active duty. Obviously, as a fan of traditions, I have a crush on her as well, but I'm doing alright in not even kidding myself there's a chance for anything romantic between us. Partly because I mostly know better, but also because she's active duty and her time here in Alaska is limited. Very limited at this point. So I just do my best to enjoy myself on the occasions we do hang out (which aren't really that often) and not think about it much when we don't. I wouldn't even call her a close friend, just my closest by default.

 I do still have Hamlet at least. He's not much for conversation, but he doesn't criticize my singing off key either, so that's a plus. And sometimes, when I'm getting ready for bed, he'll lay on the bed and warm it up so I don't crawl into bed onto cold sheets. I know he's not doing that on purpose, but it's still nice when it happens. And despite him obviously being a senior dog at this point, he still gets lots of compliments for being cute when I take him out. On the other hand, he's begun snoring more often and louder as he's gotten older and I don't know of any fixes for dogs snoring. 

I know I'm complaining of a problem of (at least partly) my own making. And certainly a problem that is up to me to fix. I guess I just didn't realize how hard it would be to feel a connection with people as I got older. I know lots of people talk about it, but it was always one of those things I thought I wouldn't have to deal with. Like I was somehow so special for intangible and unknowable reasons.  

Song of the Day 

Mid-Week Mundaneness

While I'd planned for myself a four day weekend, it inadvertently turned into a five day weekend for myself. Making today my first day back since last Thursday. And I can't remember a time I've felt so out of place just wearing the uniform. 

I mean, I normally feel a little less like my real self when I wear the thing. And I'm OK with that. I've decided the tradeoff between wearing the uniform and being able to live the lifestyle I currently do vs. feeling like I'm fully being true to who I am in how I present myself, to be worth it. Normally my biggest problem with wearing the uniform is not being allowed to have a beard. That and the colors really don't help to bring out my eyes. But today it was something else. Like I was trying to live a completely fraudulent life.

Don't get me wrong, I have no plans of quitting any time soon. For starters, I signed a contract to keep serving until at least April 2028 and I plan to honor that contract. Also, I'm in no position financially to quit right now. At best I could stretch my finances out for about three months before I start missing payments on something and I don't think that would be nearly enough time for me to find a comparable job. 

Anyways, the point is that it really threw me off my game at work today just by having that initial feeling of uneasiness when I put the uniform on. By the end of the day of course I felt mostly back to normal, but there's still this lingering "what the fuck was that?" feeling in back my mind. Hopefully it was just a one-off thing, at least for the foreseeable future - too much to be doing these days to have feelings like that distracting me. 

Song of the Day 

(Even When I Don't Have to Work on Monday) I Still Hate Sunday Evenings

 This has been a fun experiment, I guess - seeing how well I could stick to writing daily in a blog hardly seen. Been nearly three months now, which is pretty good for me. These kinds of experiments usually last me about two weeks. But there's hardly a reader and often even less of a point. Just because I'm writing doesn't really mean I'm creating anything. (And creation is my favorite part of writing). 

Like many of the things that can be found around the house, I'm feeling like this is just taking up space. And it certainly takes up time. Honestly, there was no reason to start doing this other than to see if I could keep with it. And in that sense, I'd say I have. But now that I know I can do something as asinine as this, why am I not putting that energy somewhere better suited?

That's not to say I should never write in this thing, but that this really should just be life updates and maybe the occasional random thought to expound upon.  

Song of the Day 

Someday I'll Do My Own Baking

 I know I'm probably in the minority for this as I'm a bit of a curmudgeon and not a lot of people like yelling at clouds, but this season of Great British Bake Off just isn't hitting for me. I know part of it is that Dame Prue Leith left the show and I felt her charisma was the perfect balance to the intimidation Paul Hollywood brings. That's not to say I absolutely despise Nigella, just that Nigella doesn't seem to counterbalance Paul. If anything I feel she kind of enhances his persona. 

There's also the fact that in a small way, watching GBBO brings back some sentimental memories of my ex. Not memories so powerful I feel like calling her up and seeing how things are, but sentimental enough that they get me reminiscing a little bit.

But I don't think either of those are the big reason I'm less and less eager to watch new episodes as soon as they release.

I feel like the show peaked a season or two ago and since then it's been trying to do "new" things that seem a little outlandish in an attempt to increase its popularity. It's not an uncommon thing for shows to do. And here's the part where I'm an old man - I don't want to see "new" things. I want them to stick to the folder that made the show great and popular in the first place. Don't get me wrong, new participants each season is part of the point. New hosts and judges is a little jarring for me, but I get that these people have lives and other things they want to do. But I don't want changes in the basic formula for the show. I don't want to see the participants bring in a family member to work with them. I don't want the viewers deciding the challenges. I just want the show that has the bakers competing as individuals with challenges set by the judges. 

Anyways, that's my rant. I'm definitely gonna finish this season still and I'll keep trying to get to the episodes as soon as I can (lest I catch a spoiler on Reddit). But this show is the only thing keeping me from cancelling Netflix at the moment and I'm not sure I'll be renewing the subscription come next season.  

Song of the Day 

Synopsis of Oct 09, 2026

Took today off from work today so I could go down to Bosco's and play Magic (commander). Once again, I was tempted to tell myself to just do it another time and stay home, but I managed to get out and go. Yay for ignoring hermit-like tendencies. And once again, I had a good time. Not as much fun as last time, but still a better time than I likely would have had staying home and playing video games.

Also managed to get some errands done before that. There's still more to do (isn't there always?), but I feel like I got a decent start for saving myself time later in the weekend.  

Now I'm home and I was hoping to write more about some thinking I did while at Bosco's, I decided to try and knock out some school reading first. Which has made my eyelids very heavy and my fingers very slow. So I'm calling it an early-ish night and maybe I'll do better tomorrow.  

Song of the Day 

My Predictions for Magic in 2027

 So a good amount (most?) of what's coming for Magic in 2027 has been announced. I think the Universes Beyond sets still haven't been announced, but we have the dates for when they're coming. The biggest announcement (in my opinion) so far has been to how boosters will be packed, with guaranteed foil slots in regular boosters going away, three cards being removed from all collector boosters, and the (re)introduction of "god" packs into both regular boosters and collectors. They also made sure to tell people there would not be a price increase with the booster changes. Which leads me to my first prediction...

Price increase. They've done as much shrinkflation as they can without risking significant consumer backlash. I think the first permanent increase we'll see will be with secret lairs, with the cost per an individual lair going up by $5 each (maybe $10 if Hasbro really wants to test the limits). Secret Lair easily offers the best profit margins of any product they print and a price increase there will go a big way in offsetting increased costs elsewhere while also being able to report to shareholders a higher profit (which is the most important part).

My second prediction also involves secret lair and that's that they'll offer more 24-hour window lairs. I know some people think all secret lairs should be done this way (and I don't disagree), but with printers already being at capacity, that's really not feasible. However, doing so once a quarter or so, for products like commander precons, should still be doable. 

Third will be an price increase to boosters, but I don't think that'll happen til towards the end of the year and likely won't take effect until 2028. In fact having the increase happen with the universes beyond boosters catching up to the booster changes makes perfect sense to make it happen. I imagine the change will equate to an increase of $0.50 per regular packs (assuming the booster box can be bought for MSRP) and $3 to $7 per collector pack at the MSRP level, but it'll still be a market in which MSRP is almost impossible to find for collector product and everyone wanting collector packs will still be paying super inflated (and not worth it) prices.

The one shrinkflation thing I could plausibly see happening, but I don't think it's likely, is the removal of basic lands from commander precons (except the secret lair ones). This however would require two sets of printings of the precons, one for game stores and one for box stores. The box store versions would still have the basic lands, but the LGS ones would instead give you an option of getting a (free) land pack from the store or just using your own lands at home - which most players have way too many of already. And that would be part of their reasoning, they know most players have a ton of extra lands laying around and this is a way they can keep from increasing costs for a little while longer. Again, I don't think this is likely, but my jaw also wouldn't hit the floor if they announced such a thing.

Anyways, the first three are my big predictions, which I'm usually wrong about. I'm not so confident in them I'd place a bet on them happening, but I am confident enough to post them on the internet in case I get the chance to later "I told you so!"

Song of the Day