None of this would matter if I could just meet and marry a rich woman

 I might die tomorrow. I don't mean that I think I'll die tomorrow, just that I might. In the same way that any of us might because the possibility of death exists for any and all of us and any given moment. Obviously some moments are more likely than others, but there's never a 0% chance of dying for anyone. At least not so far as I know.

And if tomorrow, something should happen that would bring about my death, but that death isn't instantaneous and instead I get a few minutes to think about my life before succumbing to whatever it is that's killing me, I'm gonna spend those moments very likely regretting a few things. And one of those big regrets will likely be whatever available credit remains on my credit cards. 

I know when a person dies that creditors get to go after the estate to collect what they're owed. My estate should have more than enough to cover that. Not a lot more, but banks should get what they're owed. And since I don't have a wife or kids to worry about being taken care of when I pass, there's really no point in worrying about there being enough money for anyone. I also don't have to worry about anyone else taking on whatever debt I leave behind. At worst, my house that is currently set to go to next of kin by default would instead have to be sold to pay remaining debt. 

So I'm pretty sure if I tomorrow I was hit by a car but had a few minutes of laying in the middle of the road dying, I'd be a bit peeved about not using my credit cards to have more a little more fun in life (most notably doing more traveling and buying more Magic cards). 

On the other hand, I may not die tomorrow. I might even go on to live for a few more decades. And credit card debt is quite the burden to keep around. I should know, I'm still paying on some from long ago, as well as paying on a little more from some other somewhat recent ("recent" meaning within the last couple years) bad financial decisions. I often like to think I'm not as bad with credit cards as I once was, but I'm still far from good.

And who knows, maybe someday I do find a woman that I click with well enough for us to get married. I'm OK with taking a little debt into marriage, but I certainly wouldn't want it to be at the amount I have now.  So I have to think, if I'm laying there not dying, do I really want to add to my debt for some temporary fun when that might end up creating a road block in a relationship in the future.

But even if marriage never happens, do I want to grow old counting pennies (or I guess nickels at this point) because I'm still paying off debt from years/decades ago? Do I want to get to a point where I'm constantly cycling between which credit card to use for emergencies because there's no money in my bank account and as an old person I undoubtedly have to go to the hospital a lot (even if it's only to hold up the pharmacy line)?

The above arguments literally happen in my head damn near daily. When I was drinking, the bad money decisions won out more often than not. I guess fortunately since getting sober I don't reach for the credit cards nearly as often. But even sober, there's the thought that I could die tomorrow and I should be allowing myself more fun now because of that. 

Song of the Day

What to write about...

 First off, my primary (sole?) reason for writing in/on this thing is that I'm trying to see if I can make a real habit of writing (nearly) daily. I know I could use a journal for that (and sometimes I do also write in a journal), but for some reason this feels like a way of making myself more accountable for the writing. Even though no one reads this anyways. 

Often, I find myself throughout the day thinking of what to write about later. Like I'll go get coffee and something at the coffee shop will catch my eye and I think to myself "I bet I could go a blog post about that." And this often happens multiple times a day. And then on the drive home from work, when I'm not yelling at other drivers, I like to compose in my head what I think I'll write about as soon as I get the chance. 

And then I get home, open the laptop, and my mind goes blank. Or, as is often the case these days, the exhaustion form work sets in and all I want to do is lay down. I've gotten to the point in life I don't even care to play video games after work; I just want to zone out and relax. But I tell myself I need to write, because that's how I'm going to build a habit out of doing so. And I just stare and stare at the screen until something comes to me that I can at least form a few semi-comprehensible sentences about. And that's rarely whatever it is I originally thought I'd be writing about. 

So anyways, here are some of the many things I've thought about writing about and hope to one day...

- Driving home from work at 11 pm at night (it gets interesting sometimes)

- The greatest "alternative" rock album of the 90's (Smashing Pumpkins - Siamese Dream)

- The greatest "alternative" rock song - (Live - Lightning Crashes)

- Some of my cringiest memories (the ones I can look back upon and laugh about, not the ones that still keep me awake some nights)

- Some thoughts about the current presidential administration ([redacted])

- Some thoughts on American capitalism (it's not for everyone)

- Some thoughts on American Christianity (I don't think Jesus approves) 

- Lots of thoughts on gaming (especially, but not limited to, Magic)

- Plans for world domination/destruction (I'm way behind on both)

- A girl named Angel (or perhaps it was Angelica, but I'm pretty certain it wasn't Angela)

So yeah, plenty to write about. It's just getting the time in which I have to write about these things to meet with the time in which I want to write about these things that's the issue.  

Song of the Day 

Seventy-Two pages

That's how many pages I have to read for my historiography class this week. The first week, it was like 15 pages. Then like 20 pages for the second week. I thought things would keep scaling in similar fashion. But no, it's 72 pages this week. 

I know that's not a lot for some people. Heck, if it were 72 pages of Dungeon Crawler Carl, I'd probably be done already. But it's 72 pages of very specific history written by an historian that writes in the typical way of historians. It's not even that I don't like the subject - the treatment of slave women in urban settings of the Caribbean in the late 1700s - it's just how it's written. 

I know I could feed it into AI and get a summary back and do the assigned work from that; I don't doubt that's what some of my classmates are doing. But just not how I want to do things. For starters, I actually learning history, even some of the more horrible things that have happened. And I know only by taking in as much of it as I can do I have any chance of remembering any of it. But also I know people that started using AI to help them out with school stuff and now it's like they're completely dependent on it; I don't want to get to that point.

I'm just venting. I read the intro tonight and started with the first chapter and it's such a struggle to keep my focus for it. I want to be reading other stuff (like Dungeon Crawler Carl), but for awhile it's going to be these history texts and that makes the next 14 weeks look rather dreadful. 

I know, I need to just focus and get through it and then I'll be that much closer to being done. And then I can really wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.

Song of the Day 

Maybe someday eventually

Nothing much to write about. First day back to work in over two weeks. It was simultaneously worse and better than I expected. 

I did call a doctor's office to make an appointment today. Just for an annual physical (which I haven't done in a few years), but I figure I should start there before moving on to anything else. And it felt good, it felt like a step in the right direction. The problem for me though is that I'm inpatient and whenever I make a step in the right direction, it's not long before I find myself frustrated that everything else hasn't already magically fallen into place for me.  

 I've never been good with time management. Like I've always felt like I'm in a rush to get through things and as soon as I realize I can't rush them, I abandon them. But I think that habit of mine has gotten even worse as I've gotten older. And now it feels like if I can't rush something, it's not worth my time because I'm not sure how much time is remaining, so if I'm going to make any goals, they need to be obtainable quickly. 

And I really need to learn to slow down a bit. Not so much "enjoy the process" but at least accept the process.  

 Song of the Day 

Maybe it's the mid-life crisis talking

I've been doing a lot of thinking over the past few days, most specifically about where I am vs where I want to be. I'm not gonna lie, there's a lot of despair in all that. A lot of wondering what is even the point of trying to change at this point in life. Not so much change who I am (though definitely some of my habits), but changing the direction I feel I'm headed in. Or at least attempting to change that. 

I wonder what the point is because I think I've talked it about changing things so much that I've become skeptical of my ability to do so. I also wonder what the point is because if I fail, I'm pretty sure I'll end up in an even more miserable position. And finally, what if I'm completely wrong about the change I think I need to make?

Oh, and I'm not trying to be vague - I mean a career change. I mean going in the direction I feel God has been telling me to go for a long time. I mean finding something that doesn't fill me with dread when my alarm goes off in the morning.

Now I won't be leaving my job any time soon, or at least I certainly don't plan to. I signed a contract last April when I got promoted to give three more years and I told my boss I was going to try and make those three years good enough to hopefully make up for all the shitty years I gave while being constantly hungover and miserable at work. 

But at the same time, I'm going to be working towards other goals. And that's going to begin with me doing something I should have done a long time ago - making an appointment with a mental health professional and seeing about the possibly getting put on ADHD meds. 

I've been diagnosed as ADHD by every mental health professional I've ever talked to for more than a few minutes. They've all said I should probably be medicated. And for a short time I was going in that direction, but then I was misinformed about the military's policy on the use of ADHD meds and not wanting to be jobless (and homeless), I avoided the use of them. Then when I learned that I could in fact be on such meds, I just needed to disclose it with the military, I decided to wait because I felt things were going fine. Then the current administration came in and the current SecDef has made it clear he wants to look into kicking people out for using nearly any mental health meds. But it doesn't look like he's going to get his way. Also, I'm just tired of waiting. 

I'm tired of feeling like I should be doing something else with my life, yet not doing it because I feel physically comfortable where I'm at and emotionally scared of being somewhere else.  

Song of the Day 

Rooms don't rearrange themselves

 One of those nights my brain feels like it's going 1000 mph, but the thoughts aren't going anywhere. I'm pacing the house looking at the things that need to be done, but unable to find where to begin. Also, it's past 10 p.m., so I'm pretty sure doing anything will annoy the neighbors. Not sure why I even care about that, I'm not particularly fond of the neighbors. But I like their cats.

I haven't done anything in over a month for my supposed future home office. Partly because I need help getting the book shelves downstairs. And partly because I don't see myself ever using it when/if it gets finished. It'll be all the way downstairs. I know me, I'm not going to walk down the stairs to do any work that can just as easily be done on my dining table. The reality is, or at least what I think in retrospect the reality is, that I started turning an old bedroom into a home office because it wasn't getting used as a gaming room and some girl I had a crush on suggested making it an office instead. 

At least as a gaming room it was a room that looked like it had a purpose. And who knows, maybe someday I'll have a friend group for inviting over for gaming...

But also, how sad is it that I still let crushes influence my decisions? I was thinking about it the other day and it feels like I should be too old for that shit, yet somehow I still let the thoughts and opinions of women I'm attracted to mean more than they should. It's weird because I know the majority of women I'll have a crush on, based on past experience, I'll only have a crush on for a short time. Yet somehow in that short time I let my interactions with them determine how I feel about my day/week/life. And even though I can recognize that's what I'm doing and that it's stupid, I can't seem to stop myself. 

Somehow my treadmill that's nearly ten years old still works, but once that thing dies, I'll have to find what to do with that room too. Not that I wouldn't want to get a new treadmill, but I think I can make room in the garage for that. I obviously won't need to worry about keeping two cars at a time in there any time soon.  

Song of the Day 

Inconceivable rant

 Woke up to the sun shining (not the rain I saw forecast when I checked before bed) and thought to myself I should do another hike today. Then I got out of bed and my legs were sorer than they'd been in awhile, as if my hike from a couple days ago waited to catch up with me. So I scratched that idea. But I also didn't go play Magic like I'd been thinking about doing last night. Mostly because it was standard format and I took apart my standard deck awhile ago after its poor performance at the last regional championship qualifier (RCQ) I did awhile ago and I haven't built a new one since. I know I need to as it's RCQ season and I wouldn't mind hitting up at least one of them, but I've been focused elsewhere.

So instead I used the day to try and relax a little, which I think overall I did OK at, but probably not as well as I could have. But when I think about it, I'm not sure I'm even capable of true relaxation. Whenever I'm sitting down just trying to unwind/rest, my brain starts thinking about everything else I could be doing. So at the beginning of my attempt to relax today, I decided to go to Costco so I wouldn't have to worry about doing that tomorrow. And then since I was up, I went across town to get other groceries.

I didn't need to go across town, but I felt I was tired of the nearby grocery store, so decided to go to one I hadn't been to in a long time. And it was quite horrible.

Then I went and got coffee at my favorite coffee shop where I always feel weird going in on the weekends. Like I should only go there during the work week, even though that's actually a preposterous way to live.

Then I decided to try out an Indian restaurant near me that I've known about for a bit, but hadn't yet given a chance. It's definitely got that hole-in-the-wall vibe that kinda had me excited, like maybe I'd be finding a place in Anchorage that was actually really good, but a well kept secret. Unfortunately that was not the case, at least not today. It wasn't so bad I won't give them a second chance, but I'm definitely not excited about going back again. 

I don't know, been in kind of a weird mood all day. I know the end of summer is coming (practically here already really, though one wouldn't know from the weather lately) and I'm equally excited yet nervous for winter. I'm hoping to do some winter hiking, but I'm also looking forward to more indoor activities. But I'm really dreading being single for the holidays. I don't know why, just means I get to buy myself more presents. But whereas last year I felt I was still in the getting over things phase, now I'm just in a stuck being single and not sure how to not be single phase. And unlike my 20's and early 30's, there's not much hope for leaving that phase. 

Song of the Day 

Commander Night at Bosco's, 9/4/2026

I was a in foul mood today (been happening to me a lot of days lately) and almost didn't go to play Magic tonight. Mostly because I'm a bit mad at my LGS. In fact I'm mad at all the LGSs around me, but that's a story for another time. Nonetheless, I once again told myself I have way too many cards to not go play at least every once in awhile when I have the opportunity. And once again, I'm glad I just got up and did it.

It would probably bore 99% of the potential readers of this blog if I were to go into detail about the night's games. But I don't want to deprive the imaginary 1% of a good read.

I was playing the Avengers Assemble pre-con, no changes. I've never played it before and my only time even looking at any of the cards in the deck is when I was sleeving it up. But I'd heard good things about it and figured I may as well give it a go.

In my first pod, one guy was playing a spider-man themed deck that was only blue and white colors. Another guy was playing the World Shaper pre-con with one change. And the other guy was playing an enchantment matters deck he made. This first round started off slow and I was sure the World Shaper guy was going to dominate, but funny enough he was struggling to get land. And by the time he did, the enchantment matters deck had pulled pretty far ahead. And enchantment matters guy would go on to win and I'm pretty sure I had no chance of keeping that from happening.

The second pod was just the three reaming players from the first pod while the winner went on to another bracket. In this pod, the spider man player struggled to get much of anything going while the world shaper kid was in prime position to when it all. However, he decided to take it a little easier on me for whatever reason and focus some efforts on the spider man kid, which allowed me to pull a board wipe at the perfect time and remove all his creatures and swing in with my remaining creature and finish him off. It's not often I get to win a round at commander night, so it felt nice. I even decided to stick around for round 3, this being the first time I'd ever done so as I usually leave after round 2 regardless of how I'm doing.

Round 3 was a full pod again, though the world shaper guy and I got placed together again. One of the other guys was playing a deck based around making defenders into attackers and doing damage equal to their toughness. The other guy had a bear themed deck. This match was much more exciting to me and it felt like anyone had the chance to win at any time. And somehow, I ended up winning. I say "somehow" but what I really mean is the other three were trying to disrupt each other and weakening one another's positions and then suddenly we were out of time and since I was the only one with a decent board state left, they allowed me to attack and no one blocked so we could have a definitive winner instead of just a draw. Which was cool of them all and something I've done the same of before and probably will again.

Anyways, was a pretty good night all considered. There's a regional championship tomorrow that I half considered going to, but it's standard format and I don't have a standard deck built at the moment. Nor do I see myself getting one built in the next 12 hours. Maybe next weekend...

Song of the Day