Can't Make a Wrong Turn if You Never Go Anywhere

Now that I'm officially middle aged, it's hard for me to not look back upon my life and wonder how the hell did I get here. I mean, I pretty much know how I got to where I'm at (mostly indecision and "playing it safe"), but there's a lot of looking back and comparing where I actually am to where I thought I would be. 

 

At 5 years old, I didn't know 45 was an actual age anyone got to. (Of course, I may be misremembering this as I was only 5, but it lines up in my head now).  I knew you could either be a baby, a kid, a big kid, an adult (like my parents) or an old person (like my grandparents). But the idea that I would one day be 45 years old myself would've seemed impossible to me then. That said, if I had to imagine myself doing something at 45 back then, I probably would've said pharmacist because that's what my dad did (and I had no idea that that even was). Or a ninja. But outside of that, I don't think I could've thought anything else about it.

At 15... At the beginning of 15, I imagined I would someday be a professional athlete - most likely in the NFL. Never mind that I didn't play any organized sports in high school nor did I bother getting my grades up enough so I could be eligible to play sports, I was sure it would somehow just magically happen. By the the end of 15, my dream of being rich and famous had mostly transitioned from being an athlete to being a rock star (or possibly writer). And much like my athletic dreams, I put no real work into achieving those dreams; instead I just expected them to happen. I was also sure at this point that by 45 I would not only be rich and famous, I would have a super model wife and a couple really awesome kids. 

At 25... To start the year off, I moved to England courtesy of the US Air Force. And I was sure it was fate so that I could meet some beautiful British woman I was destined to marry and have a family with. And of course, once I married her she would become my muse and I would begin my real career as a writer. I also decided at this point I should start going to school to be a teacher as a backup plan, even though I was sure the writing thing was also my destiny. By the end of 25, I had developed an infatuation for an American girl that was also stationed there. And when I say "infatuation," I mean I went full neckbeard. (Definitely not some of my proudest moments). And I was sure by the end of 25 that at 45 I would be married to said girl and we'd have a family that was always traveling thanks to the success of my writing.

At 35... I'd somewhat recently taken a full time job with the Air Force Reserves that I told myself was only going to be for a short time while I got my ass back into school to finish off that degree so I could be a teacher. I was also in a relationship that I wasn't entirely sure about and I handled that uncertainty by continually trying to advance it to the next level. So I bought a house that we could live in together. I figured by 45 we would've worked all the issues out and be married, though I was no longer really thinking I'd have kids. 

 

I don't know what the point to writing all this is. Guess I'm feeling a bit nostalgic (some might even say pensive) and figured I'd drag others along for the ride. I could probably write a bunch more about any of those given years (except maybe age 5), but I think these blurbs make for good snapshots. Sometimes I just think it's funny where life leads us (especially for those of us that refuse to take a lead). And with that in mind, I'm also going to imagine where I am 10 years from now.

At 55... Assuming I stay sober, based on historical trends, I'll be in the same job (or something adjacent). I won't necessarily enjoy it, but I know it could be worse and I've come to terms with it that way. Not to say I'm giving up on the teaching thing - I'm pretty sure I'll at least have finished my degree by 55. I just have my doubts I'll leave something financially comfortable for something that requires stricter personal budgeting. I certainly don't expect myself to somehow get magically rich and famous for work I won't do. I don't know if I'll still be in Alaska, but it's hard to imagine myself anywhere else. And of course, if I decide to start drinking again, I'll probably be dead before I make it to 55.  

2025 - Not the Worst Year

 I know there's still like a week and a half left to the year, but I don't see much happening in that time. So here's my review for the year...

I went through a breakup. It sucked. It still sucks some times. And while we actually broke up the end of 2024, it didn't become real for me until around May time frame. As I'm sure the case is for most people with most breakups, I learned a good bit about myself and a bit about life in general. What sucks is I feel a lot of it was lessons I should've learned a long time ago. C'est la vie.

So when the breakup became real, I told myself the best way to handle it was to keep busy. So I got more serious about having a jogging routine and started going back to jiu-jitsu. That all lasted about a month. Then I felt burnt out and I was back to "taking a break" from it all. It took a few months of being on break, but I did finally start going back to jiu-jitsu again as well as putting the treadmill to use. Not as often or as consistently as I should, but it has been happening and hopefully with time it becomes more regular.

I didn't do as much schooling for the year as I'd been hoping. In fact, I only knocked out one remedial class I needed before I could take an actual class I needed. But each time I signed up for that class, I found myself unable to focus and ended up dropping. Then the government shutdown hit and I found myself without work/pay for awhile, which gave me a lot of time to think about my future. I didn't figure out much, but I did realize I need to get serious about my education/getting a degree. 

I want to have a lot of goals for 2026. I feel like I'm at this point in life where the future will be what I make of it. But I also know that when I give myself goals and then I fail to meet one of them, I have a habit of just giving up on all of them. So while I have a ton of things I hope happen in 2026, I have one goal - completing enough school so that in 2027 my goal can be to finally graduate. (However, in lieu of that goal, I'm willing to settle for winning the powerball).