Ultimate Imposter

 A friend once compared me to Brian from Family Guy and honestly, I don't think that comparison was far off. I like big words and bragging about books I own but have never read. I also like drinking too much, but that's something I've already talked too much about. But I think what my friend was getting at (whether he was aware of it or not) is that Brian is a fraud. 

I'm not happy. I haven't been happy in I don't know how long. I spend way too much time staring at my ceiling questioning life decisions. I honestly wonder, if I didn't have Hamlet to worry about, what I might do with my life. I like to imagine I'd sell all I could and make a new life for myself in Europe. Realistically, I think I'd wander off into the Chugach range and walk until I couldn't walk anymore. 

I hate myself for leaving active duty. Even though I still swear to this day I heard God telling me that's what I needed to do, I hate myself for it I thought God was leading me to something wonderful, but it turns out what he was leading me to would require work on my part; I'm not good at that. If I'd stayed active duty, I'd be only a couple years from retirement, I'm 99.99% sure I'd be a MSgt, and I'm 99% sure I'd have my bachelor's by now. But here I am, a 41 year old SSgt with no degree and no idea when I can retire (in a fiscally responsible sense). 

I keep telling myself things will be OK. If I do this or that, it will all work out. Or if I just hold out a little bit longer, things will start falling into place. But it turns out that's just not the case. It turns out you have to put a lot of work in for that to happen. And I'm not good at putting a lot of work into anything (except maybe trying to gain the affection of women that seem to barely notice me, but even that's an old story even I cringe thinking about these days).

I don't want to die, I hope no one takes whatever I'm writing that way. I just don't feel I want to live. For all the blessings I've had in life, and there have been many, it all feels pointless these days. Each day turns to the next and I often can't tell one from the other. I want to keep thinking/believing at some point here I'm going to get my shit together and start living a proper adult life (whatever the hell that is), but I think at this point it's pretty obvious that's not going to happen. And I'm going to keep going forward as a fraud.