Drinking to Numb the Pain I Only Feel When Drinking

She wasn't good for me and I wasn't good for her. And I think a lot of other people realized that before either of us did. But it didn't matter, once I did realize it, I didn't care. I thought I loved her and I believed love would conquer all. Even when we initially broke up, for the final time, I believed we would end up back together. Partly because our first few years together were partially defined by an on-again, off-again dynamic. And partly because I kept putting universal weight where there was none, as though every little coincidence was a sign we'd be back together if I just weathered the current storm.

And of course, while I waited during this "initial" phase, I began drinking more than I normally did (which was already more than I should). I told myself it was just to pass the time AND to get it out of the way - I was sure that when we got back together again it would be the final time and we'd both finally live that healthy lifestyle we so often talked about. That healthy lifestyle would mean a lot less drinking for the both of us, so I wanted to indulge while I could. And while indulging, I kept reflecting on so many of the conversations we were having before the break up. Conversations about the house we would buy and getting married and quite possibly even having kids; it was the fact we had such conversations literally days before breaking up that helped me know it wasn't permanent (even if part of me knew it was what was best for the both of us).

It took me almost a year to realize that it was, in fact, permanent. Her and I would never be a romantic couple again and I would just have to learn to move on. Which I thought I could do by drinking even more, to the point that I think, minus three weeks before a PT test in September, I was getting stupid-drunk nearly every night.

In public, I did my best to keep a smiling face because I really just wanted life to be nothing but a party. But when I got to be alone the smile quickly faded. I often would listen to the saddest songs I knew that reminded me of "us" while looking at pictures of her or her and I together. And often at some point the grief turned to anger and I would curse God that I could come so close to love and have it all be for nothing. On many nights while drunk and angry I would throw whatever was near me across the room. Because of that I am now without any dining chairs, a few various electronic devices, and there are holes in walls that still need to be patched. 

I think it was the destruction of my last dining room chair that served as a bit of a catalyst for me taking a break from drinking. I knew I would never deal with my breakup in an emotionally healthy way if I just kept drinking to make myself numb to it. And for that reason, I'm really glad to have stayed sober so far this year. Not to be cliche or anything, but I've definitely learned a good bit about myself that I don't think I would have otherwise and that's helped me in moving forward in life.

All that being said, I also wrote this because today was not a good day (for reasons I can't go in to) and I needed to remind myself that despite a lot of wasted time on video games, there is a reason for Sober 2020.