Reasons to Kill Myself

I was awoken earlier today by my dad, who was checking on me to make sure I didn't "swallow a bunch of pills" the night before. I'm pretty sure he was being facetious, but none the less, it got me thinking. First, it made me wonder what it is about me that would make anyone think I'd go out by swallowing a bunch of pills. I know I can whine like a teenage girl sometimes, but the similarities stop there. Trust me, if I were to commit suicide, I'd find a way to make sure it happened. Though realistically, I could see myself going Leaving Las Vegas style. Not so much because I enjoy drinking, but because Vegas seems like the perfect place to die when a person has lost all hope. Anyways, these were my initial thoughts. And then I moved on to wondering what is it that might actually drive me to killing myself. I was even able to make a list.
1) I have never been so poor in my life as I am right now. I know I could be even poorer, but that doesn't really help (especially as I realize it could eventually be a possibility). Feel good movies about poor people don't show the reality of being poor, unless maybe those poor people are off the grid; the reality of wondering which bills you should pay this month and which bills should be paid next month. Or how much it sucks to get harassed by creditors and know there isn't much you can do about it. Or the frustration of not being able to do anything for your friends during the holidays or for their birthday. Being poor is absolutely miserable. And then throw in the fact I have no one to blame but myself for this predicament (i.e. had I managed money better until this point, I wouldn't be dealing with this), and it's like a constant shovel to the face every time I think about it. It is also the reason, directly or indirectly, for the all the other reasons I could consider giving up on life.
2) I'm 33 years old and live with my dad. When I go to bed, I get to stare at a ceiling I got to stare at when I was 14 years old. I'm not sure it could be any more depressing. Now I know there's other men in a situation similar to mine, but the majority of them are there for reasons well beyond their control (e.g. disability or major life changes). If those men are in situation almost exactly like mine, they also need to get their heads out their asses. And for anyone that would bring up that there's also women in similar situation, who gives a shit? It's perfectly acceptable for women to live at home as adults. Sure, those women may not like doing so, but I don't think society at large really cares.
3) I don't have a job. This is something I hope to remedy really soon, but that job will not be fulfilling for me. It will be some entry level piece of crap job that can work with my school schedule. And will only be part time. However, at this point of my life, I don't want that kind of job. I don't mean to be cocky, but I'm better than that kind of job. I've got a much greater skill set than that kind of job requires. And those jobs are just that, jobs! I'd really like to be looking for something I can make a career out of.
4) I do horrible in school. And I always have. Honestly, I don't know what the hell I was thinking when I thought it would be a good idea to just be a full time student when I got out of the Air Force. If I could go back in time and change things, I would. Unfortunately, that isn't an option. So I'm going to max what I can get from my GI Bill (which finishes up this semester) and then move on to being a part time student (if I continue going to school at all), where I seemed to do well previously.
5) I'm single. This tends to be a perpetual thing. But it never gets easier (in fact the opposite). And, living at home, it's not going to change any time soon.
6) I drive a Dodge Neon. At least for now I do; I'm pretty sure any day now it's going to blow up and then I'll be without a car. Don't get me wrong, I've been through a lot with that car, but at age 33, a man should have at least moved on to an old beat up truck.
7) I have no idea what I'm doing with my life. I know a lot of my friends are in similar situations, but damn they're good at faking otherwise. A lot of them have careers, or are at least on their way to one, as well as families (or a definite potential of). They have plans for the future while I can barely plan for the day (let's not even get into my inability to stick to the plan). They've learned from their mistakes while I've just learned new ways to make them.
8) My favorite football team is the Buffalo Bills. If you know anything about NFL football, you'll know why this is a reason for suicide.

These are the reasons I would kill myself. I know a common thing for people to say when someone is depressed (and I'm not saying I'm depressed, just trying to stop anyone from making this stupid comment), "It could always be worse." No shit, I know that. Everyone knows that. It's a goddamn insult when you say that to someone in a bad situation. So no one should ever say that ever again.
Anyways, as said, I'm not depressed. I list the reasons I might kill myself because it was just something I was prompted to think about. However, I have a great reason not to kill myself: I don't want to die. Sure, my life sucks right now, but I don't think it's always going to be like this. My living situation should only be for about six months. There's a potential "real" job on the horizon, but even if that falls through, I'm sure I can find something else. With that, I won't be so poor and should be able to stay on top of my finances as well as upgrade from a Dodge Neon to an old beat up truck. I'm not quite sure how the being single thing is going to turn out, but there's always the option of a mail order bride should things remain as they have. I also have a hard time ever seeing myself with a "life plan", but I think that will make my autobiography all the more interesting. So the only thing I really have to worry about on that list is my favorite football team. And I think I can live with that.