An Introduction to Some USAF Officers
A
good while ago, I wrote a note giving a brief description of some of
the characters you will undoubtedly meet within the US Air Force. That
list dealt mainly with the enlisted side (and there's still more to add
to it). Someone that read that list said I should do one on officers.
And so here it is...
(2nd) Lt. Dumbass - This guy is just like Airman Dumbass except worse, being he's an officer so he automatically has some sort of authority. He has no clue what's going on and will just nod his head up and down while you try to explain something work related to him. There's a constant "deer in the headlights" look on his face and 90% of the time you ask him a question, his answer is that he'll have to get back to you (which he rarely ever does). He's an expert at picking his nose.
Captain Cocky - Now that the guy has two bars to signify his rank, he suddenly thinks he's something special. And by God, everyone else should think that too! In his mind, he knows everything and everyone there is worth knowing. He often likes to give the impression that he's in good with various commanders even though most of them haven't a clue as to who he is. And those that do, think he's a douche. In fact, most everyone unfortunate enough to be stuck in a room with him thinks he's a douche. Luckily, the BS he's constantly spewing can be smelled from a mile away so he's not too hard to avoid. Everyone thinks he's a closet homosexual.
Major Dad - He wants to be your best friend, but that's only because he's never really had any. He's finally got his own squadron to command, but he doesn't actually know shit about the mission and consequently follows the advice of nearly any kiss-ass. This often leaves him being easily manipulated by senior enlisted management. He has the worst coffee breath anyone has ever smelled.
Major Asshole - This guy got put in charge of a squadron he doesn't like (happens to AMMO all the time) and he's going to make sure everyone is even more miserable than him. God forbid you make even the slightest mistake with this guy as your commander cause he will throw every punishment he can at you. More than likely he has a very small penis.
The Crusty Old Colonel (CoC) - He's never going to make it to being a general, but refuses to admit it and is stuck living in the past. In his mind, the Air Force operates the same today as it did twenty years ago, or at least it should. And since he's a colonel, that means all those under him are stuck doing things the old way while he's around and then fixing things back to the new and proper way when he leaves. There's a good chance he's an alcoholic.
General Entitlement - This guy just made general and now the world best recognize. His shit doesn't stink and Lord help the man that tries to say it does. And while the general knows the rules and can quote them verbatim, there don't seem to be any that really apply to him. As for setting an example, that's a job for the colonels below him. He's earned the right to be a complete hypocritical asshole and he's going to use it. His penis hasn't worked in years.
The Officer's Wife - This bitch thinks that because of her husband's work, rank, and status; the world owes her. Somehow, her going to social events on his arm every now and then is the very reason the US doesn't collapse upon itself and the fact the rest of us don't recognize this and thank her every chance we get is a calamity. She's well on her way to setting a world record for DUIs.
Hotshot Pilot - (Usually a fighter pilot, but there are some exceptions). God's gift to the world. Not only does his shit not stink, but it actually smells amazing, like fresh cut grass. And if he offers you a box full of that shit, you'd better take it and realize you've been given one of the greatest gifts a person can ever receive. So just take a big whiff of that shit and give that pilot unending praise like he so undoubtedly deserves. Pilots are never wrong. And they have herpes.
(2nd) Lt. Dumbass - This guy is just like Airman Dumbass except worse, being he's an officer so he automatically has some sort of authority. He has no clue what's going on and will just nod his head up and down while you try to explain something work related to him. There's a constant "deer in the headlights" look on his face and 90% of the time you ask him a question, his answer is that he'll have to get back to you (which he rarely ever does). He's an expert at picking his nose.
Captain Cocky - Now that the guy has two bars to signify his rank, he suddenly thinks he's something special. And by God, everyone else should think that too! In his mind, he knows everything and everyone there is worth knowing. He often likes to give the impression that he's in good with various commanders even though most of them haven't a clue as to who he is. And those that do, think he's a douche. In fact, most everyone unfortunate enough to be stuck in a room with him thinks he's a douche. Luckily, the BS he's constantly spewing can be smelled from a mile away so he's not too hard to avoid. Everyone thinks he's a closet homosexual.
Major Dad - He wants to be your best friend, but that's only because he's never really had any. He's finally got his own squadron to command, but he doesn't actually know shit about the mission and consequently follows the advice of nearly any kiss-ass. This often leaves him being easily manipulated by senior enlisted management. He has the worst coffee breath anyone has ever smelled.
Major Asshole - This guy got put in charge of a squadron he doesn't like (happens to AMMO all the time) and he's going to make sure everyone is even more miserable than him. God forbid you make even the slightest mistake with this guy as your commander cause he will throw every punishment he can at you. More than likely he has a very small penis.
The Crusty Old Colonel (CoC) - He's never going to make it to being a general, but refuses to admit it and is stuck living in the past. In his mind, the Air Force operates the same today as it did twenty years ago, or at least it should. And since he's a colonel, that means all those under him are stuck doing things the old way while he's around and then fixing things back to the new and proper way when he leaves. There's a good chance he's an alcoholic.
General Entitlement - This guy just made general and now the world best recognize. His shit doesn't stink and Lord help the man that tries to say it does. And while the general knows the rules and can quote them verbatim, there don't seem to be any that really apply to him. As for setting an example, that's a job for the colonels below him. He's earned the right to be a complete hypocritical asshole and he's going to use it. His penis hasn't worked in years.
The Officer's Wife - This bitch thinks that because of her husband's work, rank, and status; the world owes her. Somehow, her going to social events on his arm every now and then is the very reason the US doesn't collapse upon itself and the fact the rest of us don't recognize this and thank her every chance we get is a calamity. She's well on her way to setting a world record for DUIs.
Hotshot Pilot - (Usually a fighter pilot, but there are some exceptions). God's gift to the world. Not only does his shit not stink, but it actually smells amazing, like fresh cut grass. And if he offers you a box full of that shit, you'd better take it and realize you've been given one of the greatest gifts a person can ever receive. So just take a big whiff of that shit and give that pilot unending praise like he so undoubtedly deserves. Pilots are never wrong. And they have herpes.
posted by Paul | 1:56 AM
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