Two Years Sober - A Review

If I have one drink, I'll have two. And if I have two drinks, I'll have ten. And after that, I'm drinking until I don't know how to stop anymore. 

Maybe it doesn't happen all at once. Maybe I can limit myself to just one drink at a time, during social outings with friends. Maybe after awhile I allow myself two. And maybe even I can keep myself to that limit.

But I know deep down, it's only a matter of time. It's just a bad day away when I think "what does it even matter?" and I let myself escape to that numb feeling only alcohol seemed to bring me. I promise myself it'll just be that one night and then I'll get back on track. 

Or maybe it's a really good day and I feel I deserve the right to celebrate in excess. After all, I've proven I have control again. It's time to let loose and tomorrow I'll get back to moderation.

But it'll never work like that. One bad day snowballs into lots of bad days and lots of reasons to want to feel numb. Funny enough, one drunken celebration of a good day also snow balls into lots of bad days. Lots of chasing that happy feeling while it gets further and further away.

And then before long, all semblance of control is long gone and I'm stuck wondering how I let it get so bad. Wondering if I'll ever be able to get sober again.

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Year two certainly had it's challenges, but staying sober was rarely ever one of them. And I think that's due to me always keeping the above in mind. I've heard a lot of people say year two was harder than year one because they thought they had control (since they already did a whole year without alcohol) and decided to try having "just one" again. And for most of them, it didn't take long til they were back where they started. So I guess, in a sense, I'm lucky that I still in no way think I can have control. 

That said, I did not get back to being as physically active as I'd been hoping to for year two. I wasn't a complete couch potato, but due to some personal stuff that happened throughout the year as well as me just generally loving sitting on my couch (or laying in bed), I didn't get out as much as I'd like. 

Does that mean I hope to try and change that in year three? Yes, yes it does.

More importantly for this next year though (or at least I think it's more important - some days it's hard to tell what I should be prioritizing, but that's something to talk about another time) is getting serious about planning for the next stage of my life. I'm not even sure what that means, but I've been spending the last few months thinking a lot about where I am vs. where I want to be (and where I believe God is telling me I should be going) and the two(/three) places are definitely not the same. 

Five Reasons "How I Met Your Mother" Doesn't Suck

I know I have a tendency to focus on the negative. And a tendency to point out the negative I see to anyone not even trying to listen. But I swear I'm not all doom and gloom. For all the shit I can (and will) talk about How I Met Your Mother, I still think it's a decent show. I wouldn't be going through the re-watch otherwise - there's too many other good shows out there I could be watching if I didn't really like this one. (Though if I were to be honest, I'd probably just be watching The Office again). Anyways, here's five things that make HIMYM worth the watch.

(Also, I'd like to say, if you've watched the whole series and know how it ends, but you've never re-watched it and have no desire to ever do so, I suggest just going back and watching season 8 episode 20 again. But, ummm... you may want to have some tissues nearby. In case someone nearby is cutting onions or something). 

5) The show has some pretty clever writing. Granted, it's not always consistent writing. But it's still quite clever much of the time. The one-liners are often good, which makes for a good sitcom. But more importantly, the writers make great use of foreshadowing in a way that I think just might be peak for a sitcom. Even in the later seasons.

4) I went to NYC once and the trip was absolutely horrible. Yet I still love the city. And because HIMYM is set in NYC, it automatically gets kudos for that. I know it can be argued that most the show was actually filmed in LA, but they do a good job of making it feel NYC and for that, I love it.

3) Some of the greatest music to be features in a television show has been featured in HIMYM. In fact, I'd say it rivals Grey's Anatomy for best music featured in its show (assuming the listener is really into indie music along with the occasional pop song). And unlike Grey's Anatomy, watching HIMYM doesn't make me want to gouge my eyes out with a rusty spoon.

2) I think sitcoms that are set in the same time period they're filmed in serve as a sort of time capsule (and I hope to someday write a whole blog about this particular thought of mine). And HIMYM perfectly captures the mid-200s - mid-2010s (at least for middle class white Americans in their early adulthood years). And I absolutely love that about this show. Though watching the characters go from regular cell phones to smart phones does make me wish smart phones never became a thing. Which is something they actually cover in an episode.

1) Lastly, while I realize Ted Mosby is a fictional character and life is nothing like a sitcom, Ted's seemingly unending sense of hope often gives me a hope. Ignoring the fact that Ted is an idiot for not staying with Victoria in season 1, the dude goes through a lot of heartbreak. But he always gets back out there. Sure, some times it takes a little longer than others to dust himself off and pick himself up, but even when all the signs tell him it's time to call the quits - even when he thinks to himself that indeed it's time to call the quits - he finds a little hope and let's that guide him. And sometimes, when you're struggling to find such hope yourself, it's helpful to see someone else do it. 

Five Reasons "How I Met Your Mother" Sucks

When How I Met Your Mother (HIMYM) first came out, I was a pretty avid watcher. I can't say I watched it regularly as streaming wasn't much of a thing back then (at least when it started) and I didn't have cable. But I kept track of the DVD release dates for the seasons and was buying them the week they came out and binging them on the weekends. I think I quit around season seven though. The show just got too repetitive and Ted was really getting on my nerves. Honestly, I just started seeing holes in the plot all over the place and it finally got to the point those holes got too big to be ignored. (Plus, at the time, a couple friends compared me to Ted Mosby and that was kind of insulting). 

Anyways, as the government shutdown is still going on and I've actually been kind of bored playing video games, I've decided to re-watch HIMYM. I'm only at about to season six, so almost caught up with where I once was. And I can't help but think this show still sucks. Maybe even more so now than when I first watched it. But I'm not going to just say it sucks and leave it at that, I'm going to give the reasons.

SPOILER ALERT - If somehow you've never watched HIMYM but are really wanting to, there are some spoilers in these reasons, most notable reason one. 

5) The characters spend way too much time in a bar. Real adults with real lives cannot afford to spend that much time or money in a bar. Especially considering Marshall and Lily have money troubles in the first few episodes. Ted seems to be doing alright for himself, but not so alright that he can just pick up his friends' bar tabs night after night. Robin seems to have even less money. And guys like Barney aren't the kind of guys to pick up other peoples' tabs unless they're sure they're going to sleep with that person.

4) The characters have too much free time. Marshall and Ted both go through points where they talk about being overworked, yet they both make it to social outings most nights a week. Barney is supposedly some high level executive, yet he's got enough free time to somehow lead two full lives. Robin is the only one where it makes sense to me that she has that much free time, only her free time would be on the other side of the day since she's constantly working morning shows.

3) People like Barney don't mingle with people like the rest the characters. I get it that his character is supposed to serve as some sort of foil to Ted, but that could've been written much better. There are plenty of man-whores out there that aren't rich and I think the writers would've done better to go that route. Also, guys like Barney don't live by some sort of bro code. They may claim to, but we've all known a Barney or two in our lives and every one of them has claimed to follow bro code only to try and earn the trust of others around them. And then when given the chance, they break the code. Barney would have 100% tried to seduce Lily whenever Marshall wasn't around.

2) The show goes on way too long. They could've kept the show to four season, five at the most, and it would've been much better. But in typical corporate Hollywood fashion, they had to milk it for all the could get. Which leads to subpar writing, plot holes, and character inconsistencies, all of which become more apparent as the show goes on.

1) Victoria! I thought I'd be ready for it the second time around, but no. Ted screwed up the best thing to happen to him. I know there's a point where they bring Victoria back and make it seem like things might happen. In fact, I think that point is why I quit watching it the first time. I can't say for sure why the writers did what they did, but I always got the feeling they brought Victoria back to appease the fans and then essentially assassinated the essence of her character. It was sloppy and it was only done because they wanted to show fans how Victoria wasn't the one, but it only goes to show the sloppy writing I mention in reason 2 the show sucks. 

Don't get me wrong, I doubt writing for a show in Hollywood can be easy. Between studio executive demands and actors doing whatever weird shit actors are known to do, it's got to be quite the balancing act to please all those people and the fans at the same time. Nonetheless, sometimes you gotta let the story write itself and I don't think the writers even tried that here. They were dead set on Robin being the one from the get-go (yes, I already know how the show ends despite not having seen it) that they wouldn't budge on the issue. They probably introduced Victoria way too early to make her the one, but they didn't have to do her dirty like they did later on. Though really, Ted should've just moved with her to Germany (I'm sure he could've gotten an architecture job over there - his rival firm, Sven, is from Sweden) and they could've lived happily ever after. The show would've been one season and instead of a bunch of pissed off fans complaining about the ending, there'd be a weird cult following wondering how the show didn't go on for longer than it did. 

Random Life Update

TL;DR: Nothing big going on. Still sober. Trying to get back into running. Hoping to try and get back in jiu-jitsu soon as well. I didn't really decorate for Halloween this year at home, but I did at work. And speaking of work, I'm currently in furlough status (i.e. not work or getting paid) while this government shutdown is going on. 

All considered, I'm kinda surprised I haven't been craving a drink lately. This is the time of year when barrel-aged stouts start hitting different (in a good way) and I always looked forward to it as a drinker. Not only did the stouts hit harder than most other beers, they helped me maintain the allusion to myself that I was more of a connoisseur than an alcoholic. The big bummer for me not drinking right now is with all this time off from work, I could be doing A LOT of connoisseur-ing without feeling bad about being the hungover piece of shit at work the next day. 

What's there to say about trying to get back into running, other than it being the weirdest thing to want to get back into? I don't really miss the act of running itself, but the feeling I get after running is hard to replicate any other way. Some people call it a "runner's high." I think of it more like a "after doing that to myself, none of the other annoying minutia of the day seems that bad" feeling. Plus I want to eat a lot of candy and other treats this holiday season and I need to be doing something to help fight the weight gain.

As for getting back into jiu-jitsu, it also has a "nothing after this seems that bad" feeling to it. But it also has a social component that's been severely lacking in my life as of late. And, I've spent plenty of money on it so far in life, so may as well try and get back at it yet again. 

I usually love decorating for the holidays, starting in October for Halloween. But this year I just wasn't feeling it. Probably because it was something I did with my ex and doing so alone just felt depressing. Of course, not doing it was also depressing. But when I had to choose between two depressing options, I chose the one that cost less. I'll probably do a little more decorating for Christmas, but still not as much as normal. And definitely not getting a tree this year. 

So the government shutdown... It sucks. I know it doesn't sound to most people like something I would say, but I miss work. I also miss a regular paycheck, but for now I've got enough in savings to hold me over for a little bit (if the shutdown goes into November that may change though). But going to work kinda forces me into a routine that I don't seem able to maintain when left to my own devices. These days I can't seem to fall asleep before 4 a.m. and then I end up sleeping til noon (or later) and I'm not getting nearly as much done with my time as I could be. 

Ideally, I would be using this time to write, or at least read more. Mostly I wake up later than I meant to and then end up doing little more than playing video games as I'm unable to find any focus on anything else. It's a frustration I never thought I'd have (I always thought I would love doing nothing) and I'm not sure how to deal with. And I know some people out there will be like, "just force yourself to do other stuff." I've tried. Nothing seems to be working. Who knew the monotony of regular employment would be the linchpin to be being even remotely productive in other areas of my life?

Anyways, I'm not going to get political about the shutdown (at least not yet); this is something out of my hands and getting myself worked up over will do no good. While I wouldn't place any actual money on how much longer it will last, I'd be very surprised if it was over by the end of next week. In the meantime, I'm going to do my best to make the most out of the time away from work. If nothing else, I will try and get more reading in. I might even try my hand at some baking during this time, even if only because watching GBBO makes me daydream what it would be like to be on the show and the only way that could ever happen is if I actually did some baking. 

Middle Aged Madness (Middle Aged? Madness!)

 I recently saw a post on Reddit in a sub for people in my age group and in it, the person was talking about how weird it felt to be "middle-aged." And I thought, "that's ridiculous, we're not middle-aged!" And then I thought, "Oh shit, am I middle-aged?" So I went to that oracle we call Google and looked up what middle-aged is and well... damn. (According to Google, middle-aged is 45 - 65). 

While I've never been middle-aged before so I have no idea what it's supposed to feel like, I definitely don't feel like I'm it. Granted, I don't know what age I feel most days and at any given point on any given day, the age I feel may change. Based on my health, I'd say I feel more like an out of shape 35 yr old than an in average shape 45 yr old. Based on my career progression, I'd say similar - an unambitious 35 yr old trying to make the best of a career that feels he isn't meant for more so than the 45 yr old that just started getting his shit together a couple years ago. Based on my love life, I have no frickin idea and don't want to try to hazard any guesses cause I'll change my mind later anyways. Based on my hobbies, I'm 12. 

But this is all kinda beside the point. The point is that going by what I've learned from sitcoms, literature, and an epic Shakespeare monologue, I'm entering a new phase in life. Only I'm not even sure what happened to the last phase (or even the phase before that!). As far as I can tell, I'm still in whatever phase it is where you're trying to figure out what the hell it is you're doing, what it is you want to be doing, and is there any hope in life of finding someone to do it all with you. Sometimes I wonder if I'll ever leave that phase. Or have I grown so used to it that I subconsciously sabotage myself for fear of of the unknown, but that's probably something better to discuss with a trained therapist than the internet.

Middle-aged has always sounded so old to me. It was like this point where you had an identity crisis and made rash decisions or you decided to up your contributions to your retirement account (so you can afford that nice RV to travel the country with in retirement). It's when you started making serious health-conscious decisions, like switching to 1% milk and non-fat creamers. It was a point in which a person established who they were in this world and in what direction they were going. But now that I'm there, I don't feel any of that (especially switching to 1% milk). 

Any Day Now

TL;DR: I spend too much time looking at social media and it's a problem that's not magically going to fix itself. 

Quite some time ago, I made a post on Facebook saying that I needed to delete my profile. Of course, I didn't say when I'd do it, just that it would be some time "soon." And of course, I still haven't done so. Every time I've thought "maybe today's the day," I give the newsfeed one last scroll and come across some news that I wouldn't have likely gotten in any other form. Concert announcements, new restaurants in town, and sometimes even news of what's been going on with friends I haven't heard from in years - all of it stuff I would probably be completely ignorant to if it weren't for the wonder that is social media. So I keep deciding to keep my social media accounts (which at this point is just Facebook and Reddit - I did manage to keep myself from going back to Instagram, despite all the amazing pictures I'm always taking). 

Originally I wanted to get rid of Facebook (and Instagram) because Mark Zuckerberg is a horrible human being and I felt like staying on the platform was, at least to some degree, supporting him. Honestly, I still feel that way, but it's felt like it's become one of those necessary evils in life. So at first I told myself if I was going to use the necessary evil, it would be as little as possible. I deleted the app from my phone and for a couple weeks, I honestly barely thought about Facebook, at least when I was away from my home computer. But then I realized I could just look at Facebook on my phone through the browser. Sure, it wasn't as intuitive and the site makes it clear you should just download the app for the full experience, but I felt that by staying away from the app, I was still staying true to my decision to use Facebook less. And I was soon once again devoting too much time to scrolling past ads so I could which of my friends was politically misinformed and which ones were on the "right" side of history. 

Which brought me to my second foolish compromise for using Facebook - if I was going to be on there, I was going to try and show how my political beliefs are the correct ones and those that disagree with me are being idiots. The problem with this is that I've yet to meet or even hear of anyone that changed their political stance due to some clever meme they came across on social media. While social media may be a great way for politically minded people to setup rallies and what-not, that's really the extent of its political use (unless you count the whole misinformation campaign used by foreign assets to mislead people, but that's a topic for another time). Beyond that, politically posting on Facebook seems to be nothing more than virtue signaling and just another way of disappointing your parents.

It all kind of sucks because it seems like social media should be a really good thing. Facebook, at its core, is a great platform for keeping in touch with friends and family. Reddit can be a great resource for information from like minded people of nearly any subject out there. And I'm sure the other social media platforms have (or at least had) their great uses too. But by and large it's all turned to shit and for some reason, I keep finding myself looking at the piles as though they'll magically turn back into the food from which they came. 

I know people that have social media accounts they barely look at and I'm honestly a bit envious. Like I've been doing a lot of thinking lately and one of the big topics I keep coming back to is that of time. I keep wondering where all my time is going and while I can't say it's all social media, I can say that takes up a good portion more than I realized. It's not uncommon for me to sit down meaning to just check Facebook or Reddit quick and then before I know it, I've spent twenty minutes reading inane posts with no relevance to my life. Fifteen to twenty minutes of time six or seven times a day adds up to a lot of time staring at a screen. Heck, even if those breaks were only ten minutes at a time, I'm still losing an hour-plus a day doing about as little as a human can do and still be considered awake. (Thank God I never got into the whole TikTok thing). 

Anyways, the point of this diatribe is that I really need to delete my social media accounts. In a perfect world, I'd develop the willpower to ignore them unless needed. But we all know self-control hasn't been my strong suit for quite awhile. As to when I'll actually be deleting the accounts, any day now. But at the latest, the end of the year.

Feeling My Feelings is a Horrible Feeling

A little update for the sake of continuity (even though it's rather pointless in the void that is the internet and possibly humanity as a whole). I've been going through those stages of grief therapists like to talk about. And I've been going through them sober, which is not the way in which I'm used to handling them. Though in all honesty, I'm thankful I've been able to remain sober through this (as there has been some temptation to let myself relapse since that sometimes seems like it would make things easier). Last time I went through a breakup and I was drinking, I broke a lot of crap in my house because I didn't know how else to handle being angry. I don't think I'd financially recover from something like that this time around. To make the financial matters even worse, drunk me would feel a melodramatic emptiness at my situation and would buy useless shit to try and make myself feel better. 

I think, despite all my bitching and moaning about my life, in a certain way, I've lead a bit of a charmed life in the fact I've never really dealt with serious emotional grief until now, in my mid-fucking-40s. Not to say I've never dealt with grief, but never on a level where it seems to be ever present for long stretches of time and it often morphs how it presents itself (which would be those five stages). I always thought the stages of grief BS therapists talked about was a sequential happening and when it was over, that was it. But it turns out, the stages can (and do!) happen in whatever order they want, often more than one at a time, and they like to make multiple visits (sometimes even within the same day).   

Most days I wake up in a pretty good mood (albeit tired) and ready to just see what the day brings. By the time I leave the house, I've gone through at least two of the stages and by the time I'm going to bed, it's a good bet I've been through four of them. Ironically, acceptance still seems to elude me and while it really hasn't been too long since the breakup (all things considered), I'm beginning to wonder if it ever will show up. And sometimes I wonder if I even want it to. But I'm guessing that's just the nature of grief in general.

Anyways, I'm doing what I can to move forward. One day at a time, piece by piece, I'm figuring myself out. Some days go better than others, but I don't think there's been any days recently that I felt I didn't make any progress. Which I'm pretty sure is a good thing.