(Over) Three Months Down

I've noticed a couple big differences between deciding to quit* drinking and when I was just taking long breaks. First and foremost is that I am not saving money like normal. This is is no small part thanks to my old car being a POS and my new car having a payment, so unless I get a second job (something I've been considering, but would rather not unless I absolutely have to), my bank account will be looking rather empty for awhile. And while I'd like to make a joke about how having an empty bank account means I won't be able to buy booze, I think most of us know that when it comes to getting alcohol - where there's a will, there's a way.

The other big difference is that I have not jumped right back into having a physical lifestyle as I usually do. Normally by the end of the first month of trying to be sober I'm back into going to jiu jitsu (somewhat) regularly and at least doing near daily walks, if not setting up a jogging routine. This time, I can count on one hand how many time I've been to jiu jitsu and all that was during my first month of not drinking. I can also count how many times I've put my treadmill to use and, since passing my PT test in early December, that can also be done on one hand. Now to be fair to myself, I did decide to join the work volleyball team a couple weeks ago so I'd at least be doing something somewhat active. However, last week I managed to roll my ankle (during practice nonetheless!) so now it's going to be at least a few more weeks before trying to establish a decent workout/physical activity routine. 

On the plus side, I haven't been craving drinking as much as I thought. There's been a couple times I seriously considered just drinking (my entire life away), but they were relatively short lived and for the most part, I've been pretty happy being sober. That being said, I know that without a good physical routine, it's going to be much harder to stay this way, especially come summer. It's all too easy to rationalize having "just a couple" when I'm sitting around doing nothing. But not so much when I'm being active, especially as being active tends to make me want to stay active and I know nothing turns me into a lazy slob like alcohol. 

While my ankle heals, I'm going to have to be OK with not doing much. But I'm really hoping by this summer to be out and about, especially hiking (now that I have a vehicle I trust to get me where I'm going) and hopefully back to jogging to. And maybe even jiu jitsu too, though in all honesty, the older I get the more I wonder if it's really such a good idea for me to be giving twenty-somethings the opportunity to rip my head off.

My 2023, A Review

 Overall, I would say not a bad year for me. Certainly felt like there were more ups and downs and I was even able to learn a thing or two from some of those downs. Anyways, the highlights...

The Good

- My fourth deployment: I was able to get a good routine going for myself there which led to me learning that I actually do enjoy jogging. I also lost a good bit of weight, got to visit a new country, and met a lot of cool new people. 

- Was re-promoted to tech sergeant (E-6) in the AF reserves. And this time around, I feel a lot more able to fulfill my duties in the role. I was also able to change which shop I worked in and am now back in the shop I feel much more suited to my skills. 

The Bad

- I have since gained back most the weight I lost during my deployment. Pretty much let myself get out of having a good routine and have yet to get back into it. 

- Car issues: A lot of money went into maintaining my car this year and as much as I would love to get something new and more reliable, I don't like the idea of taking on more debt.

The Ugly

- Had to admit to myself I'm an alcoholic. It's been about a month and a half now since my last drinks and I'm still trying to process how I got there and what I'm supposed to do going forward.

- Did not spend as much time with friends after my deployment as I'd been hoping to. This is mostly due to the aforementioned drinking issues, but even now I'm often struggling to get out of the house. 

The Future

I know it's a bit late to try and figure out what I want to do when I grow up, but that's really what I'm hoping to use 2024 for. I'm planning on going back to school and either finishing my bachelor's this year or else be very close. I'm also aiming to re-establish a decent routine in my life, one that has me regularly jogging and going to jiu-jitsu again (though not on the same day for those - learned that lesson the hard way while deployed). There's also a desire to get out and be more social; not just visiting friends, but going and seeing more of what's around me - despite my constant bitching, there's a lot of cool things in Anchorage and I need to make it a point to see/do more of it.

My resolution for 2024: No more energy drinks. I know I normally like to do some goofy resolution, but I figured it was time to do one that's a little more serious (not not too serious). The good things about this one is that so much as I can get past the first month or so, it should be quite easy after that. The bad thing is I work swing shift these days and energy drinks have become like a fifth food group for me. 

Anyways, I hope a great 2024 for all and may all our vehicles continue to run smoothly.

This Will Probably Come as a Surprise to No One

 Well folks, it turns out I'm an alcoholic. Not the "I joke about being an alcoholic, but really I just love craft beer and a good time," type of alcoholic I was pretending (/trying) to be; but an actual "I can't control my drinking when I drink sometimes (nearly all times)," type of alcoholic. I don't say all this to elicit any reaction, but instead for my own accountability.

At the moment, I really don't feel the need to go into details of what brought me to this realization. (It was nothing illegal or anything like that, so no worries there). While I don't feel it was so bad I needed to go to rehab (though may have not been far from it), it's bad enough that I recognize I need professional help (i.e. therapy/meetings). And I've begun that process.

Anyways, I'm keeping this post brief and just wanted to get this out there. I'll likely write more about it later.

He's Jogging the Distance. He's Not Jogging for Speed

 It's not often I ever feel like I'm proud of myself. Most of the time, even if I do something someone else might think I should be proud of myself for, I feel like, "Who tf am I to be proud of anything I've done?" Even on the rare occasion I've accomplished something I think is worth being proud of, I have some sort of personal caveat for it. For example: when I finally got my blue belt in jiu-jitsu, I felt a small sense of pride for sticking with the hobby despite how much easier it would've been to just quit long before that. But at the same time, I felt a lot of shame (for lack of a better word) for how long it took me to get it and how inconsistent I was during that whole time.

I've posted on social media during this deployment quite a few times and I imagine anyone that has seen this posts thinks I'm having a pretty decent time. The reality is that in a lot of ways, this has been my worst deployment yet. While it's not really worth the time to go into details, I will say that leadership at all levels while I was here was by and large a joke and the base itself gets my vote for worst base in all of AFCENT (at least as far as established bases go). There have been any times during this deployment I questioned my resolve in both remaining here and in remaining in the air force. 

That being said, I didn't spend the majority of my off-duty time sleeping, which is what I did during my last deployment (albeit for different reasons). Nor did I get on social media to constantly whine about how much I hate things here (as I so often seem to do about things that make me unhappy). That's not to say I didn't do any whining; I certainly commiserated with coworkers and then whined about those coworkers to a friend back home. But beyond that, I dealt with my misery here by focusing on me.

Because of that, I was able to achieve the one goal I had set for myself on this deployment before coming here and for that, I'm actually proud of myself (no caveats attached). In addition, focusing on that goal helped me in achieving secondary goals as well. 

That one goal was to lose 20 lbs while here, something that I originally thought would be a lot easier than it turned out to be. My first month here, I didn't lose any weight (and in fact there were a couple times I got on the scale to see I'd actually gained a pound or two). The mere fact I hadn't lost any weight in that first month had me pretty disheartened and I was considering just giving up and sleeping this deployment away. By the end of the second month, despite a regular gym routine and cleaning up my diet quite a bit, I'd only lost about 5 lbs. It wasn't until the end of the third month I'd noticed what felt like actual weight loss, which was about 15 lbs. At this point, I was feeling good about things only to be smacked in the face by the end of the fourth month with a loss of just a couple more pounds (even though I was eating less and jogging more!). It wasn't until about a week later I was able to see those last few pesky pounds come off (and staying off when I double-checked a few days after that).

In addition to losing 20 lbs (plus a little more at this point), I've jogged over 200 total miles in this place, including doing my first ever 10k. I've also put in over 50 hours on the jiu-jitsu mats (plus I did a jiu-jitsu-ish tournament that I didn't do so well in). Maybe this is all weird/trivial stuff to be proud of myself for, but I nonetheless am.

I'm not gonna lie, it feels kinda weird to feel proud of myself. But this time around, I can't seem to help it. Don't get me wrong, I still thank God I was able to do all this as I don't think I could've truly done it all on my own. But I'm not beating myself up over how it could've been more weight lost or more miles jogged  if I just tried a little harder - I'm able to be happy with these results and just leave it at that.

Of course, now that I'm getting ready to go home, the new goal will have to be seeing how quick I can gain all the weight back :P

I Say A Lot of Stupid Shit When I'm Angry

 I dated a woman once that would get mad at me because I would always shut down when conversations started to get heated. She took it as a sign I didn't care about what we were talking about, which couldn't be further form the truth. In actuality, for all I don't know about myself, I know myself well enough that when I get mad, I often say really dumb shit - often times the kind of things you can never really take back. Granted, it's been awhile since I've had one of those kinds of arguments, so maybe that's changed, but I have my doubts. Regardless, this isn't about dumb things I've said in old arguments. It's about dumb things I've said in old posts, even if one of those posts is only a couple days old. 

For the record, I have no suicidal (or homicidal) thoughts. I do have an extreme hatred for my job these days and my current position in it, but none of that is so great that I've seriously thought I'd be better off ending my life, with or without a dog. 

I'm not saying after posting that and getting some sleep I suddenly felt better - I most definitely still feel trapped and without a clue as to what to do. Without going into boring details, things at work have pretty much reached a breaking point and there really isn't shit I can do about it. Throw on top of that my car having issues (that my mechanic can't figure out and I'm not sure I can afford to fix anyways) and my house needing multiple repairs and it's a lot to deal with right now.

(And for the love of God and all that is holy, if anyone says something about "it could always be worse," I swear I might actually start considering suicide. I know it could be worse and I know other people even have it worse, but "focus on what you have" isn't how depression, even short term event-driven depression, fucking works. God bless all you types (mostly type-As I'd guess) that can always be positive no matter what, but too many of you seem to think if everyone just thought like you then the world would just be the happiest place. /rant)

I'm also still trying to figure out what I want to be when I grow up (i.e. when I can finally retire from the military), but that's a whole other issue. It's just an unfortunate issue to have right now because it makes all the other issues feel worse. 

As I said in the previous post (which I'll leave up for posterity), I'm scheduled to be deploying in a couple months. I'm hoping to just take things as easy as possible until then and hopefully, pending any more unforeseen financial disasters, I can save enough money down there so I can at least put a decent down payment on a car I can reasonably trust for awhile.

Ever Get So Angry/Upset You Can't Even Piss Normally?

 

I can’t think of any good way to write this other than to say in so many ways I’ve fucked up. And now I’m stuck in a job that I absolutely loathe. I’m at the point that I honestly wonder if I didn’t have Hamlet* around, would I just blow my fucking brains out and never have to worry about it again. The job is boring, I have zero confidence/trust for my supervision, and due to my own foolishness, I’m absolutely fucking trapped. Sure, I could go back to school and finish my degree, but that would still take me longer than I feel like I have it in me to give – particularly with how much harder it gets for me to maintain focus as I get older. (I won’t even go into wtf am I supposed to do with a history degree because I have no idea any more).

On one hand, I know I can’t completely blame my supervision for my hating work. I mean, I have a history of not getting along with my supervision and the common denominator there is me. So there’s obviously something on my end that I need to work on. On the other hand, I feel like I’ve been lied to so many times now that me putting forth any more effort than I absolutely have to is a waste of time. And do you know what it feels like to have to go to work for people you don’t feel you can trust (if you’re an American, I’m sure you do)? It fucking sucks. Add on to the fact I’m currently in a work center I absolutely abhor and I really am sometimes shocked I don’t just drive off the road on the way to work some days.

And now the kicker is I volunteered to deploy in January, thinking it would help my bosses avoid some headache, and things at work have only gotten even worse.

Anyways, I know whining here isn’t going to do shit for me and really I’m just stuck without an outlet at the moment. But it’s seriously getting harder and harder to put up with this place and I don’t know how much more of this shit I can put up with (if any).

I Hate How Much I Hate My Life

Years ago, like years and years ago (like almost 20 years ago), I was hanging out with a friend of mine and I said something like "You know what I hate?" 

His answer - "Everything."

That answer still resonates with me. 

I hate how negative I am about things. I want to be more positive. I'm trying to be more positive. But fuck is it hard. 

I wish I was better at complimenting people. I wish I was able to tell my friends how much I love them without having to make a joke about it or play it off so it doesn't seem "gay." I wish I could just see all the beauty around me and nothing else; to enjoy the soup in front of me and not focus on fly in the room that hasn't even come near the bowl.