Feeling My Feelings is a Horrible Feeling

A little update for the sake of continuity (even though it's rather pointless in the void that is the internet and possibly humanity as a whole). I've been going through those stages of grief therapists like to talk about. And I've been going through them sober, which is not the way in which I'm used to handling them. Though in all honesty, I'm thankful I've been able to remain sober through this (as there has been some temptation to let myself relapse since that sometimes seems like it would make things easier). Last time I went through a breakup and I was drinking, I broke a lot of crap in my house because I didn't know how else to handle being angry. I don't think I'd financially recover from something like that this time around. To make the financial matters even worse, drunk me would feel a melodramatic emptiness at my situation and would buy useless shit to try and make myself feel better. 

I think, despite all my bitching and moaning about my life, in a certain way, I've lead a bit of a charmed life in the fact I've never really dealt with serious emotional grief until now, in my mid-fucking-40s. Not to say I've never dealt with grief, but never on a level where it seems to be ever present for long stretches of time and it often morphs how it presents itself (which would be those five stages). I always thought the stages of grief BS therapists talked about was a sequential happening and when it was over, that was it. But it turns out, the stages can (and do!) happen in whatever order they want, often more than one at a time, and they like to make multiple visits (sometimes even within the same day).   

Most days I wake up in a pretty good mood (albeit tired) and ready to just see what the day brings. By the time I leave the house, I've gone through at least two of the stages and by the time I'm going to bed, it's a good bet I've been through four of them. Ironically, acceptance still seems to elude me and while it really hasn't been too long since the breakup (all things considered), I'm beginning to wonder if it ever will show up. And sometimes I wonder if I even want it to. But I'm guessing that's just the nature of grief in general.

Anyways, I'm doing what I can to move forward. One day at a time, piece by piece, I'm figuring myself out. Some days go better than others, but I don't think there's been any days recently that I felt I didn't make any progress. Which I'm pretty sure is a good thing.  

The New News is Old News

So... I'm single again. I don't really want to go into the details of the breakup. Mostly because while I have very little problem talking about my personal life (obviously), I don't like talking about other people's personal lives. (At least not anymore). I hope all the best for her and while this chapter of our respective lives has come to an end, I'm sure we each have an appearance or two in each other's stories further along.

Anyways, while the breakup happened a decent amount of time ago, it's only really just been setting in. And it doesn't feel great. Not that I thought it would, I just don't remember last time feeling so - for lack of a better word - lost, from it. But then I do remember that last time I was able to drink. And drink I did! And for too many nights I was nothing but drunk (which was what led to that whole Sober 2020 thing). This time, that's not really an option. I have to deal with the shittiness of a breakup head-on and I'm going to have to learn to actually move on. Which, for anyone that's known me for a decent amount of time knows, is not something I'm good at.

All that said, my apologies to those I keep telling "we need to catch up," I keep meaning to call or stop by, and then I find myself not wanting to see people. I'm going to try and do better this summer. Unlike the last breakup, I'm also going to try and follow my therapist's advice and just focus on me for awhile (i.e. no dating or romantic pursuits). "Awhile" being at least for the summer, in which I'm hoping to do a lot of hiking instead - maybe some other Alaska exploring as well. I fucking love this state and really need to get out into it more.

The Last Time I Drank

I wanted to die.

I was drinking, but not matter how much I drank, I just couldn't feel drunk. All I wanted was to feel drunk again and because I couldn't, I wanted to die. 

Don't get me wrong, I didn't want to kill myself and I certainly wasn't considering doing so. But if I couldn't feel drunk, which was my supposed favorite feeling in the world (right up until it wasn't), then what was the point of living? At the point I realized I just wasn't feeling drunk, I knew that legally I was very intoxicated - I just wasn't getting that nice little head buzz that usually came with it. And when I thought about it, I wasn't sure I had in quite some time. 

So I went and told my girlfriend at the time exactly what I was feeling. And I cried. I knew right then and there I couldn't drink anymore and I suddenly felt so much of my identity being ripped away and without it there was a whole lot of immediate questioning of who I was (or if I was anyone at all). After a little time of me just sitting there bawling like a baby, she got up, said she was going to take a break from drinking herself to help support me in getting sober, and then promptly dumped out all the other alcohol in the house.

I'm sure I've said it before, but I'll say it again - I knew long before I actually decided to get sober that I needed to get sober. I knew I was actually an alcoholic before I even did that Sober 2020 thing and that I should probably just get sober for good instead of just that one year. But the alcoholic brain has a funny way of convincing someone it's "not that bad yet." 

Anyways, I've been thinking about that specific night a bit recently (after someone at work asked if I was still sober and ever planned on drinking again).

You know how certain, often significant, events in your life can simultaneously seem so far away, but also just like yesterday? This isn't one of those events for me. The further I get from it, the even further away it seems. It hasn't even been a year and a half yet, but it already feels like years. I don't know if that's necessarily a good or a bad thing, but it definitely feels good. 

As to whether I plan on drinking again, the further I get from it, the more that answer is no. Like, I definitely once did plan on drinking again. I told myself if some certain event or another happened, I could drink then. But I know doing so would just lead me down that dark road again where I'm chasing a feeling I can't catch and consequently, I'm wanting to die. 

 

A Bad End to a Good Year

If 2024 was a TV series, it would've been one of those series that's really good for most of its run, but the last season ends up so horrible that you find yourself looking back upon the whole series in a negative light. 

It started off kind of rough, but that's because I was working on staying sober and being I was able to so so, I like at that first season as pretty good. 

The next few season I was really getting into the swing of things and while they were far from perfect, I still quite enjoyed them and they had me very excited for season to come. 

Then the last season came and while I can't say much about it right now (I have an NDA with some of the other cast members), I can say that at points, it's made me very much question if I really want to remain sober. 

Without going and looking back at old journals/blogs/etc., I think it's pretty common for me to feel like my year is ending on a bad note. (Though in all fairness, I used to be the guy that saw the negative in everything and would've said it was a bad end regardless of what the actuality was). So I'm going to try and spin this some...

Shit happens and it happens regardless of the day/time of year  - there's nothing so magical about any section of the calendar that it prevents bad times and sadness for everyone everywhere. Some of the stuff that's been going on for me is something that had to happen regardless how much I tried to fight it. I also think I will come out the better for it, but only time will tell the actual truth on that. The other some of the stuff is just that shit happens and since I'm not rich, I can't just buy my way out of the shit happening. Life will go on.

I don't want to have any predictions for 2025; I want to stay focused on where I am right now. However, my brain is always trying to imagine what will be happening in the future. My hope for 2025 is that I finish making it through this current shit relatively unscathed and begin working on fixing up my house (not for any specific reason, but I've lived here for ten years now and haven't even attempted a single one of the many house-projects I envisioned when moving in). 

As for an actual New Year's resolution... I've found New Year's resolutions tend to be a jinx for me, so in that spirit, I resolve in 2025 to not get rich.

The First Year Down

 About a month ago, I passed my one year sober mark. I meant to write something about it then, but life has been hectic. Incredibly hectic. Anyways, let's look at that first year in review...

The Good - I've been told by multiple people at work that I've been doing an amazing job. Which is weird to me, cause I feel like I do the same quality work, I just don't whine about how much I hate it nearly as much. But apparently quite a few people have noticed a difference and it's been such a good difference I even got a small promotion a few months back. It was more of a positional promotion than anything and my bank account isn't noticeable growing from it, but it is a step forward and will hopefully help me in securing bigger and better promotions in the future. But more importantly, it affirmation that I've been doing things right - something that wasn't happening while I was drinking.

The Bad - I have not lost a ton of weight like a lot of people say happens for them when they stop drinking. Probably because I have not had any consistency in going to the gym and the sugar that's in alcohol has been replaced by the sugar in candy. Seriously, I'm probably giving whoever makes Dove chocolate a record year this year. But I'm OK with that, it's still better than what I was doing to my body.

The Ugly - I'm going to drink again. Hopefully not any time soon or even any time not so soon. But there's a part of me that still craves it like nothing else. And I have found, at least these days, the easiest way to calm that craving is to tell it to wait until the time is right. So assuming I don't die prematurely and the world doesn't have an apocalypse, I will very likely one day be found sitting at a local brewery telling myself it's not alcoholism if I'm being a snob about it. But again, I'm aiming for that day to be very far away (ideally after retirement).

The Future - I'm hoping my second year sober is one about physical health. It's been a slow start to making that my reality, but (fingers crossed), I think I've finally got the ball moving. I miss jiu jitsu and while I never thought I'd say it, I miss jogging. And I REALLY, REALLY miss hiking, which I haven't done in years. So my primary goal for this year of sobriety is to be physically active. Of course there's other goals and what-not (mostly professional), but I know the best me isn't just sober me, it's sober and active me. (And hopefully I don't get injured as well).

Hoping I'm Wrong (and I Often Am).

Like many people, I’ve spent the past day (and some change) in absolute shock. To say I’ve been through an emotional roller-coaster would be an understatement. And to be clear, I am not a democrat. Nor am I a republican. I think our two-party system is a sham, but being I can’t do much about that, I always vote for the candidate I believe will be best for the USA and her future. To that end, as much as I didn’t really like Kamala, I was very unsettled by Trump’s nearly fascist rhetoric. As of now, his number one requirement to being on his cabinet seems to be loyalty to him above all else. History has seen this before and it has never ended well for the country that tried it. So it’s become very hard for me to not see dark times ahead for the US. (Not immediately, it never happens immediately. But it always does happen).

All of that said, I have never hoped so much in my life that I turn out wrong. When President George H.W. Bush left the office of the President and it went to President Bill Clinton, he left a letter in which he said, “Your success now is our country’s success.” And I think about that a lot. So I’m hoping I’m wrong. I’m hoping whatever policies President Trump may implement, they do turn out to be for the good of our country – ALL of our country (except maybe North Dakota; I still hate that state).

I know a lot of people at this point have been talking about finding an exit strategy. It’s hard for me to fault them; there’s a lot of reason for fear for some groups of people. But that won’t be me. Over twenty years ago, I took an oath to defend this nation and its constitution. And I still very much believe in that constitution. I have full trust in the officers above me that our mission will remain the same as it’s always been.

This election has also caused me to reflect on my faith in God. (Once again, I’m not trying to get preachy.) I’m just going to say I can’t believe in an all-powerful God and then believe this isn’t part of His plan. His reasons are (and likely always will be, no matter the situation) beyond my understanding. But it would be preposterous for me to think He’s not in control of all this.

Lastly, I’ve been thinking about love. And how important it is to love regardless of how I want to feel. That’s not to say I can’t feel my other feelings, but at the end of the day if I’m not choosing love, then I’m choosing to give up. On my country, on my faith, and on humanity in general. And I’m just not ready to do that.

One way or another, we are likely headed for interesting times.

Aside from a few quotes (like the HW Bush one mentioned earlier), I’ve had a Bible verse stuck in my head the past 24 hours (that many people I’m sure have correctly guessed I framed this post around). And I’m gonna close with that.

“And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love.” – 1 Corinthians 13:13 (NIV)

This Time vs That Time

My therapist said something this week that really got me thinking. Which is annoying, but I guess also what I pay them for (I mean, ideally I'm paying them just to reassure me I'm a good person no matter what fucked up shit I tell them, but barring that I may as well be working on bettering myself as a human). Anyways, I was mentioning how I've been in a bit of a funk lately and I couldn't figure out why; after all, everything considered, life is kicking ass for me. Nonetheless, I've just felt out of sorts and have had a general malaise. 

So my therapist asked how long I'd been regularly drinking before I decided to stop. And I answered that, not counting the many breaks I took so I could tell myself I didn't have a problem, probably close to twenty years. My therapist then informed me that for a lot of people that have been drinking to the point it was part of their identity, around the one year sober mark is when they stop focusing so much on remaining sober and start thinking more about life in general. Some of those people even start finding they may have other issues to deal with that they once used alcohol as a coping mechanism for (gasp!). 

So I left my therapist's office thinking, "wow, what bullshit!" I mean, I've done a year sober before and I don't remember last time at all suddenly feeling like maybe I had some inner-issues or any of that which might need dealing with. In fact, I remember last time I was at this point (11 months sober) pretty well. I wasn't thinking at all about where I was in life or where I wanted to be; I was very focused on what I would be drinking once one more month passed! Of course, I was also telling myself that I'd drink in moderation this time around, but the first couple weeks I had a pass to drink as much as I wanted; I'd earned it - I'd spent a year sober.

Anyways, that year of sobriety was back in 2020 and despite the world going to shit, I had a pretty great year. So great in fact, that when I look back, I often wonder why on earth I thought it would be OK to go back to drinking. (Probably because I took a year off, which proved to me that I was in control and alcohol had no power over me). And now, I'm on the verge of another full year sober and while I wouldn't say it's been as good as 2020 was, it's still be a pretty good year. But very unlike 2020, I'm not planning my first few weeks of drinking. 

Instead, I'm trying to plan my next few months sober. Only I'm not thinking of them as "sober months." There's just months (and hopefully years) to plan. And there's figuring out what I really want to be doing during that time. Then figuring out how I'm going to make any of it happen. Or even if I'm serious about wanting to do it or is it just something that sounds nice. 

So anyways, yeah, a good bit to think about (and that's not necessarily a bad thing). But at least I'm not thinking about my next drink or trying to make plans around being drunk. And more importantly, I'm not lying to myself that once I start drinking again, I'll be in control.