Zone defense

 A long, long time ago, I had a crush on a girl and she put me in the "friendzone." (Sadly not the first time this happened) I stayed in that zone and bitched to anyone foolish enough to ask me "what's up?" I lamented life and cursed love because of my unrequited feelings. All the while, I kept hanging out with this girl every chance I got, believing one day I would do or say the right thing that would get her to realize she actually did feel the same way about me and then we'd both live happily ever after. 

Unfortunately, when her and I weren't hanging out, I was imagining us hanging out. And in those imagined scenarios, that's when I was able to say and do the right thing to change how she saw me. Those constant daydreams would consume way too much of my time. And since I was in control of how the daydreams went, she was always the perfect woman for me. Even when I tried to imagine her as true to who she was as I knew her, my subconscious was filling in the spots I didn't know about with qualities that would make her seem perfect. 

The more time I spent in these daydreams, the more I came to conflate the her I was making up with who she really was. So that when the real life version of her did or said something that didn't match up with my imagined version of her, I'd be mad and/or sad. I'm not just talking about things between her and I either, but really inconsequential things. For instance, one evening we were hanging out and she said she had to be home sooner than normal for the start of a new season of a show she liked. When she told me the show, I was absolutely incredulous. The version of her I knew in my head would never watch something so stupid, yet here was the real her saying she enjoyed the show. 

I took her home and asked if I could watch with her, thinking maybe it would be something we'd share a new bond over. I hated it, but I pretended not to. Somewhere in the back of my mind was a new daydream forming where she would fall in love with me simply for the time we spent together watching this show. 

Obviously, things between her and I never went beyond being friends. And it would be all too many years before I'd be able to look back upon those times and see how foolish I was. Even now I cringe at a lot of what I said and did. Somehow, we're still friends and talk on occasion. We've even talked about some of my dumb antics back then, which I've apologized over more times than I can count at this point. Each time she laughs it off and says it's fine, but that rarely helps me to feel better about any of it. 

But I guess if there's any upside to it, it's that I finally (at least to some degree) realized that when I have a crush on someone, it's best to avoid daydreaming myself with them. 

Song of the Day